And Once They’re Blindfolded There’s That Cold Spaghetti and Peeled Grape Gag I Could Use…

I call Mary, freaking out ever so slightly.

“Heh-ro?”

“Mary?”

“Heeeeey! How’re ya?”

I pause, squint with concentration. “You realize your speech is slurred, right?”

It’s not quite noon, and Mary is unabashedly goofy. “I wenna the dennis this mornin’ and I’m shoddup fulla novocaine.” She laughs. “Hey, come ‘ere once! Pearl! Pearl! I ha’ no feelin’ in my tongue or my nose!”

We’re on the phone and I still shake my head.

Mary laughs, embraces her current state. “Hey, I don’ thin’ – I jus’ realize’ I can’ feel mos’ uh my face. My face done been –“ and here her tongue really struggles – “anesthesized.” There’s a muffled sound, as if she is running the phone over something. “OK, I’m ba’,” she says.

“Where’d you go?”

“I was afrai’ I wudden be able-a feel my eyes, but I ca’.”

“Oh, good,” I say. “I hate when my eyes go numb.”

“Are you makin’ fun uh me?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, goo’,” she says. “So wha’ up, G?”

“I’m throwing a bachelorette party for Amy Saturday and I’ve only got one game planned.”

“Wha’ game?”

“The rice and safety pin game.”

“Ooh,” she says appreciatively. “Thass a goo’ one.”

“I know, but there should be at least one more, right?”

There is a pause as we both consider another game. Oddly enough, I can hear Mary smiling.

“What?”

“Hey, have you consi’ered not havin’ any games at all and serving twice the liquor?”

There is silence. I am intrigued. “Go on,” I say.

“Meet ‘em at the front door with a shot of tequila an’ a blin’fol’. Tell ‘em it’s par’ of a game to be revealed la’er.”

“Hmm,” I say.

“Think o’ the time you’ll save! With the gues’s blin’fol’ed, you won’ have-a clean your house! Winning!”

“That’s a pretty good idea.”

Mary chuckles. “Huh? Huh?! Who’s your frien’?”

I can breathe easier. “Thanks, Mary.”

“Hey,” she says. “It’s jus’ par’ a wha’ I do.”