I Coulda Been A Contender

Another workweek comes to a close, as it seems to do every five days or so; and it is with curiosity that we again turn to my iPod, because absolutely everyone knows that my iPod’s shuffled playlist, played during my morning commute, has the power to foretell the weekend.

What? You didn’t know that?

Migra by Santana
Charmer by Kings of Leon
Love Dog by TV on the Radio
Airstream Driver by Gomez
Super Stupid by Funkadelic
Tighten Up by The Black Keys

Looking rather political isn’t it? Might want to get my hair cut, kiss a few babies. You never know when you’ll be called upon to serve.

Except, of course, when it’s time for a conference call. Because we here at Acme Napkins and Grommets believe in keeping in touch, whether you like it or not.

Got something to say? NOT got something to say? It’s all the same to us, because here at Acme Napkins and Grommets, it’s not about getting things done so much as it is cultivating the appearance of getting things done.

Except for you, of course. Or me. You and I, we have things to do.

You know where your big mistake was, don’t you?

Yep. It was the day you did your work and asked for more. It was in the way you said, “I don’t know, but let me find out”. It was when you consistently met your goals and did so while maintaining that gleam in your eye and that smile on your lips. Yes, as drunk as you appeared to be, you with your shiny eyes and your attention to the smallest detail, your performance was top rate, causing you to be handed larger and more complex projects.

You’d think you’d have learned by now, wouldn’t you?

That’s the problem right there. You continue to work at a respectable speed, continue to be held responsible for outcomes, continue to put your best foot forward while stifling the urge to test the tensile strength of the 48th floor windows with your ergonomic chair.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Why do you make us punish you?

Facilities, of course, is against the hurling of office furniture. Trust me on this one. And frankly, who wants to be the “scary” one at work?

Well, actually, you might. You’ll have to trust me on this one as well. There’s nothing like a well flung in/out basket to get someone’s attention. Like the subtle pounding of a forehead on a paper-strewn surface – which no doubt prefaced the flinging of the in/out basket – it says “I’m quite stressed out, yet I remain relatively harmless. Please get me a margarita.”

Well, that’s what I think it says, anyway.

And I always reflect upon this at my next job.

Bruised forehead and scattered in/out box aside, the weekend is here; and just in time. There are floors to scrub, glasses to rim with salt, friends with strange theories to keep one entertained.

My work does not define me: This is my mantra for the weekend.

Happy Friday, everyone.