Because Baby? It's Cold Outside

Have you winterized your car yet?

Oh, sure. Everyone knows about winter-weight oil, about checking your tires and replacing your windshield wipers; but have you considered how well appointed your trunk is?

A pile of flannels, the snowmobile boots, the sensible hat with the ear flaps? Sure. Who doesn’t have those things?

And I’m sure we all grew up with the idea that a lighted candle in an old coffee can is sufficient to throw a little heat in your average four-door, so you’ve got that old Folgers can back there as well.

Jumper cables, rope, a battery-operated radio, these are all desirable items as well; and if they aren’t in your car, then I’m sure you’re in the process of pulling it all together.

You just look like the type to me.

But I’m concerned that you’ve not considered the finer points of enforced car squatting.

Have you considered the “Go for Help! I’ve Run Out of Cigarettes!” sign you’re going to need? Because if your car gets stuck in the ditch during a blizzard, you are definitely running out of cigarettes.

And lipstick. You’re going to need lipstick. Once that candle in the coffee can gutters out, you’re going to start to turn blue. Not many people can carry off that look.

Speaking of which, you might wish you had a harmonica with you. When People magazine gets a hold of your I-was-trapped-in-a-car-during-a–blizzard story, you’re going to regret not having worked out the specifics of that blues song you were humming.

Oh, and that reminds me. At some point you are going to wish that you had packed a pint or two of schnapps in your car. Schnapps is a wonderful and warming thing – no matter how false that sense of warmth is – but I would advise against actually having it on hand, as its proximity may lead to its being imbibed, which in turn may lead to over-the-top expressions of gratitude when the good-looking tow truck guy pulls you out of the ditch later.

And that’s awkward.

And winter isn’t about being awkward.

It’s about being prepared to be stranded somewhere.