In Lieu of a Raise, Please Accept This Book of Coupons

And now, a brief note from our CEO and President, your friend and mine, Randolph T. Freakly the Third.

Take it away, Randolph.

Hi, everyone. Thank you for taking the time to attend this meeting. As you know, we here at Acme Sprockets and Grommets take our meetings very seriously. First there are the meetings where we discover the need for another meeting, the meetings where we discuss the language to be used in the meetings, the meeting itself, of course, and then the follow-up meetings we have insofar as damage control.

We've arrived, as you know, at the end of Q2; and once again we’ve reached the time of year when we contemplate the possibility of a pay increase.

Let us contemplate that together, shall we?

“Raise”: the word looks friendly, doesn’t it? Don’t let it fool you, though. The raise is not your friend! Why be hassled with the possibility of jumping into another tax bracket? Why worry about what to do with that extra cash? And consider this: the phonetic spelling of the word “raise” is “raze”, which, unbeknownst to many, is a word meaning “to tear down”. And isn’t that awful? Why would you want anything to do with a word like that?

I say no, sir. No! Not for my employees!

You people are like family to me.

And that’s why, this year, there will be no so-called “raises”.

The very idea is insulting.

No, sir. This year, I want you to get back to me – take your time! – and let me know: What can the Executive Team here at Acme Grommets and Sprockets give you in lieu of money, vacation time, increased medical or dental insurance, or other purported “benefits”?

Want one of us to change your car’s oil? Need someone to address your holiday cards? Clean your catbox? Visit your mother? What say I drop by your house later and brush your hair? These are the kinds of things we’re willing to do to keep you satisfied, motivated, and, with any luck, quiet, here at Acme Grommets and Sprockets.

Remember: my door is always open, my ear’s always available, and my lawyer’s on retainer.

Best of wishes from Your Pal in the Corner Office,

Randolph T. Freakly the Third