And Remember: They Can Smell Fear

Let’s not kid ourselves. We know why we are here. It’s Friday, and there’s a rumor going around that my iPod, set on shuffle and played during my bus commute, predicts the future.

What? What do you mean I started that rumor myself?

Tommy Gun by The Clash
Heart Attack and Vine by Tom Waits
LDN by Lily Allen
Rubberband Man by The Spinners
Heavy Cross by Gossip
Respect Yourself by The Staple Singers
I Feel It All by Feist

To tell you the truth, this one has me stumped; and generally, when I am stumped, I try to stay indoors and apply liberal internal doses of margaritas and/or guacamole.

Either one will cure just about anything that ails you.

And should you find yourself, as my neighbors to the North would say, oot and aboot this weekend – perhaps in search of a well-made margarita – let me give you some advice.

Mind yourself in the bar bathrooms.

While I have limited first-hand knowledge of the men’s facilities (the old Stasiu’s in my neighborhood has an art deco marble urinal from the ‘20s that is equal parts impressive and disgusting), I can tell you that the women’s room is no place for the unwary.

First thing to remember? Odds are good that everyone in the bathroom is drunk.

Second thing to remember? Any issues the occupants of said bathroom have with themselves, their bodies, their liquor, their boyfriends, or people who look just like you are likely to come out.

Let me give you an example.

You walk into the bar’s bathroom. It’s somewhere around midnight and you are one cheerful, friendly SOB. The unsteady and unsmiling woman staring at herself in the mirror over one of the two sinks in the room closes one eye so as to get a more accurate look at you and says bitterly, “Well, you look pleased with yourself”.

Do you:
A. Confide that you’ve recently lost 10 pounds.
B. Tell her to mind her own business.
C. Ignore her.
D. Recognize that she's having a hard day and probably just needs a friend.
E. Get out fast and don’t look back.

The answer is E: Get out fast and don’t look back.

But wait! you exclaim. I haven’t washed my hands!

This is true. You’ve not washed your hands. I suggest you either hit up a woman with a purse for the Purell she’s surely carrying or keep your fingers out of your mouth for the rest of the evening because you, my friend, may have just encountered a Swamp Heifer, a thoroughly dangerous and unpredictable beast.

Don’t let the title fool you. The Swamp Heifer inhabits all regions of the world, not just the swamps, and she doesn’t always have the girth – or the intellect – of a heifer.

But what, exactly, are we looking for when watching for the wild Swamp Heifer?

Confusing but true, Swamp Heifers are either dramatically overweight or pathetically under-weight and often travel in pairs. Like the tiny birds that live on the backs of the much larger hippo, the smaller Swamp Heifers often do the bidding of the larger ones and, presumably, keep them free of ticks.

A Swamp Heifer is always drunk.

A Swamp Heifer does not have a discriminating palate where her drinks are concerned. Just keep ‘em cheap and keep ‘em coming.

A Swamp Heifer’s clothing eventually comes off during the course of the night, whether it appears to be on purpose or not. This includes pants that fall enough in the back to reveal a thong (also known as a “whale tail”), a shirt’s shoulder that falls down to reveal more skin than is palatable, or shoes that are removed and left under a table somewhere so their owner can dance barefoot.

A Swamp Heifer’s dancing style consists primarily of raising one arm above her head and shouting “Wooooooooooooooooo!” This is usually accompanied by pseudo-stripper moves that have nothing to do with the beat and everything to do with her future aspirations.

A Swamp Heifer is always loud. Whether ordering another drink, screaming “I love this song! It’s about me!’ or announcing at ear-splitting decibels that she’s “gotta pee”, there’s no concern that a Swamp Heifer will go unnoticed.

Swamp Heifers are often missing teeth. Whether as a result of meth use or a lack of dental insurance, it’s hard to say, but it seems to have no effect on her ability to attract her male counterpart…

A Swamp Heifer is looking to get laid or fight. No man, no line into the bathroom is safe. An SH without a boyfriend is on the prowl and will be giving away lap-dances right after her next shot. An SH with a boyfriend is a jealous woman and assumes the worst at all times. The man you stood next to at the bar for a full two minutes while you ordered a beer, the one you didn’t notice? That was her man, and she’s going to be coming at you later in the evening.

Which brings us back to the bathrooms – and, now that I think about it, one of the reasons that women sometimes travel in pairs.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Stay safe out there.