Just When You Think There’s Not Enough Garbage

We went grocery shopping Saturday.

Willie insists that we shop at a grocery store in Columbia Heights. I personally dislike the place, but I’m saving up my fighting for something bigger.

Have you been to Columbia Heights? It’s a place you go when you want to feel better about yourself in a comparable sort of way, ie, “I’m a little worried that I don’t have enough money for the electric bill, but at least I have my front teeth…”

Because it seems at this particular store that a surprising percentage of the clientele does not have their front teeth. It also seems to have more than your average number of people with matted hair and people you can smell before you see.

Why Willie prefers to do his grocery shopping here has yet to become clear to me.

Have you been grocery shopping lately – or shopping of any kind? The degree to which we are wrapping and re-wrapping items is incredible.

The Days of The Individually Wrapped Items are upon us, my children!

Cheese. The simple, humble cheese. Comes individually wrapped, clustered into groups of ten or so, then wrapped again, whereupon it is all wrapped again. It’s all garbage, isn’t it?

We stopped at Savers on the way home from the grocery store. Savers is a secondhand store. Willie bought a CD that had never been opened. Wrapped in plastic, two stickers with the adhesive strength required to hold together car parts. Very unfriendly, particularly for those without long nails. For cryin’ out loud, you need a degree in de-construction to get these things apart.

It’s all garbage. Every time we buy something new, it seems to come with its own weight in garbage.

And there are so many opportunities for excess.

A friend showed me something that had been given to him recently, something he refers to, darkly, as “The Urban Spork”.

You know the spork, yes? Neither spoon nor fork, a flatware hybrid that functions miserably in not just one but two arenas. And now, should you find that the flimsy plastic ones at the gas station aren’t enough, you can have a hardier one, one you can carry with you.

You know, for those times when you find yourself sporkless.

Honestly, is there a need for a four-inch pocket spork? Where is the man who finds himself, perhaps in a hotel somewhere, with a pudding cup in one hand and nothing in the other, a horrified look on his face as he realizes, “I am without utensils!”

Man, if you can’t think your way out of that one, you don’t deserve pudding.

Can we live in a world without individually wrapped cheese slices, without the possibility of the pocket spork?

I will if you will.



The answers to the 500 Posts Pearl Quiz:
Dolly “Gee” Squeakers is formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers. From what family did Liza “Bean” Bitey spring?
Liza "Bean" Bitey is of the Minneapolis Biteys.

Liza Bean Bitey often takes calls on Pearl’s cell phone in what room? In the bathroom. With the water running.

Has Pearl ever been forced to bail Liza Bean out of jail? Extra points for remembering on what occasion the cat was last handcuffed and “taken downtown”. Yes, indeedy. The last time was for her third birthday. Had to use the flatscreen-TV money to get her out.

Would Pearl like to have a beer with you? Yes. She certainly would.

In what neighborhood of Minneapolis does Pearl live? Northeast Minneapolis, baby! In the heart of the Arts District.

How does Pearl get to work? She takes the bus.

Should you talk to Pearl first thing in the morning? Only if she's on fire or bleeding. Otherwise, a nod and the word "Mornin'" is sufficient.

Pearl believes everyone should practice yoga and has listed many reasons why (some of them actually pertaining to its physical benefits). List two.
1. Flexibility.
2. Spine lengthening. I'm 5'4". I can't afford to shrink.
3. HEAT! My extremities won't be warm again until May. I need all the help I can get.
3. An opportunity to change your clothes again in public -- a nice reminder of our humanity.

Had enough yet?

Thanks for playing along, folks!