It SOUNDS Dirty and It's Not!

You should hear me sing.

And if you ever buy me that beer you’ve been taunting me with, you just might.

I have what is referred to as a “smoky” voice, the product, I suspect, of chronic and untreated (read: uninsured) bouts with both asthma and bronchitis in my early 20s.

In other words, I sound pretty good when you’re drunk.

We have a karaoke machine at home with roughly 600 songs available, and we set it up in the attic for the majority of our parties. The lyrics run on the little TV Amy gave us just for this purpose, and we bawl into the microphone like star-struck cattle.

I’m sure the downstairs neighbors are as enamored of Willie’s renditions of the early Metallica hits as much as he is.

Luckily, we are the landlords.

We have two big parties a year: The Summer Party and Misfit Christmas; and I advise the downstairs tenants – as I do every time – that they have four options.

They can have their own party and not worry about noise.

They can come to our party.

They can get out of town.

Or they can suffer.

I do not feel badly about this arrangement in the least. They, too, throw parties, some of which take place on Sunday nights, complete with the Hanging Cloud of Blue Death on the porch and the bongo-beating at 2:00 a.m.

Why do I mention this?

Mary, a woman who can make me laugh until I fall off furniture, has gotten it into her head that we need a party in February, something to see us through the cold winter months after the glow of The Holidays has died down.

And she has suggested a theme.

At the First Annual Chili Invitation this last September (an auxiliary party) this last September, Mary proposed a Decorate Your Helmet Party.

That's right: it was about 3:00 a.m. when she suggested this. How did you know?

We'll also pause here while you rummage through your head for dirty jokes.

Those of us who had managed to fall up or down the stairs, off furniture or anywhere else at the Chili Party - and there were a number of us - agreed that this was a brilliant idea. We foresaw helmets of various shapes and sizes decorated with sequins, streamers, springs, perhaps small stuffed animals.

Really, the sky is the limit.

Since then, Mary has also come across the Make An Omelet In A Ziploc Baggie recipe.

But of course! What would go better at a party where you wear a helmet than omelets?

Now that we're all sober, of course, the brilliance remains.

Helmets! Food made in plastic bags! People who think they can sing!

I think I'm going to tell the downstairs folk about it today - give them a chance to think about how they're going to decorate their helmets.