You Didn’t Ask for Any Advice, But…

I’ve got an uncle who warns me to never fall asleep on the concrete in the cold.

“The sidewalk’s a killer,” he warns. “Did you know that bums die every year just by falling asleep? The ground never warms up in the winter, and that concrete will leach the heat right out of you. Take my word for it: never fall asleep on the concrete.”

I am torn between being thankful for this information and concern that he thinks it may come to pass that I will find myself using a sidewalk as a bed.

But perhaps he’s on to something. Perhaps we should be handed a laminated sheet of truisms upon, say, high school graduation, something you could frame, something you could refer to often.

Never fall asleep on the concrete would be on there.

What else would be listed?

• Never squeeze lemons with a hand full of papercuts.
• You’re going to want change to a lighter weight of motor oil in the winter.
• Unless she’s requested it, buy a woman an appliance for Christmas at your own peril.
• Don’t tattoo your neck.
• Never trust a man named “Shifty”.
• The guy on the street who begs for “just another dollar so I can get home, man” is not really going to go home after you give it to him.
• Discounted sushi is not a bargain.

This is just off the top of my head, but it’s a start. Words to live by, people. Go forth and change your oil.

And no more sleeping on the sidewalks.