Television: One. Pearl: One.

I found myself in a TV-induced coma Saturday night in what was surely a personal record. It took less than an hour to leave me completely limp, slack-jawed.

This is not how I want to be remembered, frankly, lying under a pile of quilts and afghans on this ugly couch; and I am slightly concerned that someone will somehow walk in and catch me inert. Oh, speaking of how I want to be remembered, should I die of cold and/or boredom this weekend, please contact Paula regarding our promise to each other. She’ll know what I’m talking about.

How pleasant to be unconscious. I am free-floating and blameless. I am shiny and strong, and now with scalp conditioners. I slice, dice, and make julienne fries. I am dreadfully interested in stopping insidious drafts, eliminating wax buildup, and getting rid of unwanted stains.

I am in the market for what’s for sale for just nine installments of $49.99 a month.

The best part? You send no money. No money down. You sign nothing. If you are not completely satisfied, you’ll not only get your money back, they’ll clean your carpets free of charge.

You heard that right: Free of charge.

But wait! Put down that phone – there’s more!

Have you been in an automobile accident where you were not at fault? Are you picking fights in elevators, saying things to the press that you later regret? Have you been named in any lawsuit in which the word “assault” plays a part? Have you recently washed anything red with anything white? Have you or a loved one stared at each other in the recent past wondering “what the hell is she/he talking about?”

Then you, my friend, are among the demographics that spurred the recent development of The Deep Breath.

For centuries the secrets of The Deep Breath were held in the Far East, where their mysterious medicines remained unavailable to The West.

For a limited time and restricted to the first 100 callers, when you buy The Instant Classic mentioned earlier, we will throw in, for absolutely hardly a fee, the DVDs “Taking A Deep Breath” and “The Deep Breath: What You’ll Find When You Unpucker”…

It was at this point that I was awoken by a commercial featuring Magic Johnson on behalf of Jackson Hewitt Tax Services. Some sort of basketball injury/tax-preparation-business analogy that probably wouldn’t have made sense to me even if I had been alert when it started.

I feel oddly refreshed.