Cow Patty Bingo, or A Sign You Have a Rural Gambling Problem

As a prelude to the upcoming silliness, can I ask you for a favor? If you’d go to Humorbloggers.com, find me under “Observational and Social” and then say something nice or vote me most hygienic or most punctual or something, I’d really appreciate it. This, I’m sure, will make up for not being voted Homecoming Queen. Or not. I’m still pretty bitter.

There are days when I swear I can write about anything.

And there are days when maybe I shouldn’t.

Take today, for example, and how I've been thinking about cow manure.

I’ll bet you don’t think about it much, do you?

Wait – maybe you do. What the heck do I know?

I think about it. I’m not ashamed. As a matter of fact, manure is tops on my list of odd things I enjoy the smell of.

Wait! Where are you going?! Don’t judge me!

I like the smell of manure, honestly. Takes me back to my grandparents’ farm. Manure, Lava soap, and Old Spice: the smell of rural Minnesota in the 60s. The smell of hard work and my grandpa.

But did you know you can do so much more with manure than just smell it?

Take, for instance, Cow Patty Bingo.

What? You’ve never been? Oh, my dear, how do you get by?

Read on, my friend, at your own discretion.

Tired of gambling via cards and lottery tickets? Why not employ two of mid-America’s favorite things: cow manure and bingo?

It’s easy!

You’re going to need to section off a good part of, say, a parking lot. Mark it just like a Bingo card. Then get yourself a cow.

Maybe you could borrow one from a friend?

Next, round up those of your friends that a.) have extra money, b.) believe they have extra money, or c.) have a gambling problem. How much of the rent money you put on it is up to you, but I’ve always had good experiences with Jerseys, so if the cow is a Jersey, I say you throw it all in and see what happens…

Maneuver said cow into center of the Bingo square. (You’ll want to fence this in – both to keep the cow them from wandering off and to prevent the highly illegal but much-attempted bovine manipulation.)

And now? Relax. Give the cow a little something to eat and wait for nature to take its course.

Oh, the excitement! Where will the cow patty land? Grab your lawn chair, crack a beer, and wait for the pay-off. With any luck, the plop will land on your square.

Ka-ching!

Think of the bragging rights!