Lawn Paraphernalia

My friend T, aka “T Angel, Lawn Freak”, is falling deeper and deeper into the swirling vortex that is his yard. (Please see “Lawn Obsession” for the beginning of this affliction.)

He’s going on vacation in September and I’ve agreed to water his cats and feed his plants, or something like that. I promised something… Anyway, we sat on the front steps and shared a cigarette the other day.

He’s purchased a new sprinkler, and he had a lot to say about it. What he doesn’t realize is that he’s told me about this sprinkler three times now. Unaccountably, he grows more excited about it with each re-telling.

“The cool thing,” he said, “is that I was working at a millionaire’s house the other day, and this guy had the very same sprinkler,” he says. He tapped the side of his nose and winked at me. “So you just know that I’m getting closer to really getting this lawn-thing down.”

“Is that right?”

“Well did I show you the features?”

Indeed he did. He did, he has before, and no doubt he will again.

Want to know the features? Oh, you’re in for a good time now!!

First of all, please note the high-grade plastic. This is no ordinary sprinkler. This sprinkler can also be used to beat off intruders or jack up your house, should the need arise.

Secondly, one can adjust not only the height of the spray but also the width. This is incredibly important, as you’ll see in just a moment.

Thirdly, one can control the arc, not to mention the direction of the arc – both front and back.

“You know what that means, don’t you, Pearl? I can water a six-foot-by-three-foot patch of ground – at full strength – without getting anything else wet.”

Hmmm. Yes. The implications are staggering.

It was quiet for a while.

“You see that lawn over there? See how yellow it’s getting? You see his poor hostas?”

Yes. I see them.

T glanced to his right, then to his left, then to his right again. He leaned over and whispered, almost conspiratorily.

“He doesn’t water.”

The sincerity of this revelation almost made me burst into laughter. The horror! How does that man live with himself?

I was also shown his fertilizer and the spiked shoes he wears to aerate his grass. He held up his shoes. “Wear and tear on a lawn creates compaction. And you know what happens when your lawn gets compacted, don’t you? It’s gonna result in poor top growth and eventual lawn deterioration.”

I had never looked at it like that before.

T’s all right; and I like to tease him, just a little, about his new hobby. It’s good for his lawn, it’s good for property value, and it keeps him off the streets.

And, as he’s pointed out to me, the ladies dig a man with a green lawn.