Possible Side Effects May Include...

I’m thinking of contracting something. Something new. A condition maybe. Something really big, something no one else has. I’ve been plenty healthy for long enough – I don’t feel I’m taking full advantage of my medical insurance; and besides, there are all these new drugs to try. Who will support the pharmaceutical industry if I don’t step up?

Valtrex. What’s that for, again? I mean, it’s on the TV continually. I probably need it. I’ve been pelted with commercials telling me I need to ask my doctor about it, so I’ve added it to the list: Levitra, Cialis, Plavix, Valtrex. Surely I need one of these drugs? At least a multi-vitamin. I’m not sure I’m getting my minimum recommended daily allowance of manipulation.

I don’t recall seeing these kinds of things advertised in my youth. Is this a new event? “Ask your doctor” indeed. Is this a new service offered by my TV? Are there people going to doctors asking if Levitra is right for them? “Say, doc, I was watching Cops last night when some very attractive men and women playing doctors suggested that I talk to a real doctor about depression, high blood pressure, diabetes (and how it may lead to Erectile Dysfunction), and Restless Leg Syndrome. Do I have these things; and if so, can I make requests?"

My favorite aspect of these drug advertisements is the list of possible side effects the takers of these drugs can expect. “Possible side effects may include headache, nausea, loss of balance, split ends, bad breath, alternating and potentially concurrent diarrhea and constipation, fungal infestations, sphincter prolapse, and the eventual organic appearance of a third nostril.”

Gives one pause, doesn’t it?

All of this, of course, is said sotto voce and at a speed discernible only by New Yorkers and people on meth. Anything else would ruin the mood.

I think someone in advertising should get creative. Maybe tie some of these commercials together. I’m betting you can combine Captain Morgan, Cialis, and, say, Spray ‘n Wash for one heartily effective marketing campaign. Linked together like that – with perhaps a mail-in rebate? – you could really work up an interesting commercial, not to mention a cost-effective Saturday night…

Anyway, I’ll let you know what I come up with. I’m pretty sure I’ve got something that requires a prescription drug.

Dr. Wang, I’ll be calling in the morning.