Dude. What?

A Semi-Faithful Reproduction of the Soliloquy from the Person Who Talked My Ear Off Friday Night Until I Could Get Away While Bearing in Mind That I Never Said a Word or Even Knew What He Was Talking About
Or
Please Don’t Be This Person – The English Language Has Enough Problems As It Is

(Insert the sound of a clearing throat here. Picture a crowded bar, me holding a twenty between my teeth, hoping the bartender will notice me, and, next to me, a very drunk man staring into his beer. I had stepped up to take the place of the female who had been standing in that same spot just moments ago. He apparently did not notice that she was gone, that I was a different person, or that he and I did not know each other.)

He turns to me.

“You know, I usually never even do that sort of thing. I mean, really rarely, if at all. Sure, sometimes. I mean, who doesn’t, sometimes? But all the time? No, never. I never do it all the time. Just some of the time.”

Hic!

“Sometimes, though, I can’t hardly stop myself. I mean, sure, I can quit. I can quit any time I want to. But I hardly ever do it, so why should I stop? But I could. I could stop. You wanna see me stop?”

Hic!

“Except that I usually never do that sort of thing. Well, no. That’s not true. Sometimes – sometimes! – I do it so much it’s as if I never stopped. Then I do it like a banshee. A banshee. You know what I’m saying? So if I were honest with myself, it would be that I usually don’t ever do that sort of thing, except when I do – which I hardly ever do – and even then, I hardly ever do. I mean, it’s rare. It’s not a problem. You know? It’s almost to the point where I never do it. So really I guess I could say that I never do that sort of thing, ever, except when I do – which is, like, once in a blue moon.”

Hic!

“So yeah. Usually, you could say that I usually never, hardly ever do.”

He took a big drink of his beer.

“Really. It’s pretty rare.”