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Thursday, March 9, 2017

Look at That!; or Would You Believe Me if I Said I Had Some Infrared Footage of a Mermaid? How About a Coupla Big Foots?

There are shows on cable, shows poorly shot, shows with dramatic pauses and whispered hisses of “Did you see that?!” and “Shhhh!  I think I just heard something!”, shows where one “goes green” for night vision and androgynously unwrinkled people just this side of fetus-dom  -- and all, mysteriously, named “Devon” -- stare wide-eyed into the camera while whispering “Oh Em Gee, you guys, this is amazing!”

These shows are about “phenomenon”.

The first thing to know is that nothing that they “discover” rightfully evokes wide-eyed gazes.

None of it is amazing.

“No!  No no no no.  It’ll be fun.”  Kurt grabs a legal pad from the Administrative Alcove.  He is a planner by profession, and there, in reaching distance – near the Spice Alcove but not as far as the Emergency Candle Alcove – are the legal pads, pens, scissors, and binder clips necessary for everyday administration.

He writes furiously, slides the pad to me. “Every time someone says these things, you drink.”

Go Green/Went Green
Side by Side Comparison
Shh!
Look at that!
Nighttime Investigation

I narrow my eyes. “Whattaya, trying to kill me?”

This is a half-hour show with two “investigations”.  In the first one – a 15-minute segment dedicated to footage of a mist rising out of a swamp – there are six repetitions of “Look at that!” and four of “nighttime investigation”.

I was sipping water after the first four.  “Seriously, Kurt, let’s just walk out of the kitchen and into the night.  First one to lose a finger to frostbite wins.”

Kurt chooses to misunderstand.  “That’s my girl!”

The TV glows, and one of the Devons is almost dangerously excited.  “OMG!  OMG!  You guys ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!  You gotta see this!  It’s just a common trick of the light!  See?  OMG you guys, it all lines up: the tree, the phone line, the weight of an unladen swallow – see? In a side by side comparison – after we went green? During the nighttime investigation? – it’s identical to the original footage!  You guys!  This is fantastic!”

The other three hosts bounce up and down in excitement, high-five each other in delight.

Kurt shakes his head, bemusedly.  “Right, Pearl?”  He grins at me.  “Look at that.”


25 comments:

Jono said...

I want to start a new "reality" show called Finding the Unicorn. I will look at night (viewers LOVE green light), find unicorn fur on thorn bushes. We can market it on cable using all your mentioned devices and have a hit show for a couple of seasons, make a lot of money and still never find a unicorn. Are you with me?

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Clearly I am missing out; do I feel the need to fill a gap? Nope. Didn't realise there was one! ... oh yes, there is - the one left by Pearl. So good to 'see' ya gurrl!!! YAM xx

Joanne Noragon said...

My former neighbor is so serious about Sasquatch that I believe he could spawn him one day, from his mouth, like those worms that live in people on other bad TV shows.

Pearl said...

HA ha!

Jono, I think you've hit on something with the unicorns. Syndication, my friend, we'll ride it until there are FB memes and t-shirts. USA! USA!

Yamini, you have a lot to do with my return. :-)

Joanne, I'm not saying there's isn't a Sasquatch -- who knows, right?! -- but I hope they never find him/her. Or the Loch Ness monster or any other wild/magical/potentially existent thing.I like a little mystery in my life!

joeh said...

You've nailed these shows, and I am guilty of watching sometimes. I'm pretty sure if they ever get a good pic of Bigfoot it might make the 6 o'clock news, but I watch anyway just in case the news is too busy with other things.

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

OMG OMG You guys are not gonna believe this! PEARL is back! With ghosts!
*DRINK*

Elephant's Child said...

Welcome back. Look at that - The blogosphere just got brighter.

Geo. said...

Human investment in these shows goes deep. Who among us can wholly believe we aren't swamp gas?

fishducky said...

Welcome home, Pearlie Girl; you've been missed!!

Pearl said...

joeh, have to admit I watched "Ghosthunters", and once -- just once -- I saw something that freaked me out. Otherwise, it was a whole lot "Shh! Did you hear that?"

Dawn, I raise a glass to you as well!

Elephant's Child, thank you! I've missed it!

Geo, your email to me really picked me up. :-) Thank you!

fishducky, thank you -- I feel like I'm home!

Sioux said...

OMG. Sssh. Look at that! It's a rare Pearl sighting. ;)

You have indeed been missed.

Gigi said...

Oh happy days, she's back!!

I've been wondering about you. Hope all is well. Know that you've been missed more than you'll ever know. xo

Linda O'Connell said...

Hey, did you see that floating by? Was it the return of Pearl? Welcome back to the blogosphere.

Linda O'Connell said...

Hey, did you see that floating by? Was it the return of Pearl? Welcome back to the blogosphere.

sage said...

I think this is why my TV set is tuned into tennis at present... Come April, baseball. And if there are too many "OMG" and "Look at that" comments, the sound goes off and I have Alexis play "Steely Dan"

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

A few years ago the hired help and I had to take out several wasps' nests that we found in the base of an old trailer. We sounded EXACTLY like the hee-haw hicks on those Animal Planet shows. It was embarrassing and funny. Predictable way to get drunk, writing the script for those cable shows.

jenny_o said...

I do believe you meant to say "Bigfeets" not "Bigfoots" ... however, we will forgive you if it means you'll come back :)

River said...

She's back! She's back! Hurrah!
And ha ha, the weight of an unladen swallow.
I never watch shows like that. One, once and that was the end of it for me. I'd rather watch something I can laugh at or something with some real action.

wellfedfred said...

so happy you're back! just - well, so happy.

Diane Tolley said...

Whassat?! I used to distract my little ones (and, sometimes dogs) with that little gem. It sounds as though it works for all ages. (And dogs) Welcome home, Pearl-Girl!

Chicken said...

PEARL! OMG! This post would have been even greater if it had included a photo of your face lit up by a flashlight under your chin.

Cheryl said...

Hey everyone, high five, Pearl's here! And I detest high fives as much as OMGs ...

Jo-Anne the crazy lady said...

Yeah I did a post about all the fake reality shows, they are not for me I am not that big a fool give me an entertaining pretend show over a fake reality show any day

Launna said...

Welcome back Pearl, I have missed your wit that makes me smile... so nice to see you back here xox

Pat Tillett said...

You could not have described these shows any better. They are so "serious" about it all, that is funny! Funny and so darn hokey...