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Friday, March 10, 2017

It Was Either That or A Tote Bag

Every now and then, we here at Acme Gravel and Sprockets take a quiet moment to reflect that, hey, there are worse jobs.

Delivering food on roller skates, for example.  Or crime-scene sanitation. 

Or working where Margaret does.

“Don’t,” she says, “Tell anyone where this came from, but this is a gen-u-wine email from our VP.  Oh, and don’t tell them I work at Global Stickers.”

Sure, I say.  That’s safe with me, Miss Margaret Olson, 5248 Lefse Boulevard.



Random Capitalization and Punctuation included for your Pleasure.



Team,

Recently I noted on the company bulletin board that the TPS reduction goal for 2016 was met!  This was a great accomplishment.  We here at Global Stickers had committed to providing a Pizza Party to the Company in the event we reached our Goal, and since we did, Global Stickers is excited to be providing that Pizza Party. 

Organizing the Pizza's for your team will be the responsibility of the Manager and supervisor. You will have this party on April 1.  Two pieces of pizza per person will be purchased.  Drinks will not be provided.  Multiply the number of people by 2 and divide by 8 to get the number of large Pizza's to order.   Pizza’s must be cheese, pepperoni, or sausage. 

You may order from anywhere in town as long as it is Domino’s, Costco, or Pizza Hut.  No other’s allowed! I would order them in the morning or even the day before to give them time to fill the order.  I have a script if anyone need’s it.

The supervisor or manager should pay for the Pizza's and expect to be reimbursed.   Write clearly, using black or blue ink.  Be sure to include the name of your department, if anyone took more than two pieces, and the exact start and end time of your celebration.  I will review. 

Thanks for the determination you’ve shown this last year, and I look forward to posting this coming year’s next initiative.  Fingers crossed for next year’s reward:  tee-shirt’s from last year’s Inventory Lock-In!

Best regards,


Snidely W. Lash, PhD, OCD, SOB

25 comments:

Silliyak said...

The higher ups are looking to move into the new administration obviously. They don't mention there will be a serving charge, and the cost will appear on your year end W2's.

joeh said...

Well, that is a great incentive for reaching next years goals. Who needs a bonus when you can have pizza...2 slices only.

sage said...

What a hoot and I loved this line: "Random Capitalization and Punctuation included for your Pleasure." I may have to borrow it.

Chicken said...

I can't tell if you're kidding or not. I hope you are. I had a boss once who allowed everyone one glass of red wine at the annual holiday party. She also insisted we play the games she organized. They might have been fun if more than one glass of wine had been allowed. Thankfully, she didn't last. It's possibly she's at Global Stickers now.

Pearl said...

Honestly, this very close to what she sent me, Random Punctuation and Capitalization included.

And yes: they are to be allowed two pieces of pizza each. In the original email, he had bolded the fact that drinks would NOT be provided. But hey! Thanks for year-long dedication to making the initiative happen!

Bestids.

jenny_o said...

I wonder what happens to the people who take more than two pieces of pizza?

Unbelievable tightwaddery.

Sioux Roslawski said...

This is kind of like our current president. The mistakes, the ignorance... it would be funny if it wasn't for real.

Susan Kane said...

Wow! What will happen if they exceed their goal?? Will they move up to tacos? Blue or black pen only? Great parody. At least I am thinking it is a parody.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
... expect to be reimbursed... provided you respond with all these criteria! Yeech... YAM xx

Jo-Anne the crazy lady said...

Who only eats two slices of pizza, not me that's for sure

Elephant's Child said...

What a charmer.
Sadly the list of jobs I would not do is much, much longer than the opposite.

Gigi said...

From where I'm standing that's positively generous of management. Here it's rare if I even get a "Good job!"

Merlesworld said...

Well it is on the first of april, doesn't anyone sing out big april's fool to all of you then eat all the pizza, I would.
Merle................

Launna said...

Well that is precise... lol... I love that part about checking who may have ate more that two pieces.. the horror... haha

lgsquirrel said...

I once worked at a place that was on par with your example. Staff complained that they were understaffed and over-worked and did not have enough time to complete assignments (some staff were working 7 day weeks and others had not taken holidays for 2 years). Management response was to ask them to write daily reports on what the staff was doing every 10 minutes so that they could better understand the "lack of time" problem.

River said...

Guess they have to bring their own drinks to wash down the two bites of pizza. Bit stingy of management I'm thinking. A year of busting a gut getting the quota met deserves better reward than two slices of pizza.

Jono said...

I had a job at a place like that once and lasted a whole week. Had I made it for 30 days I would have gotten a 25% raise. It wasn't worth it.

Linda O'Connell said...

Two PIECES?! When they ordered pizzas at my school, teachers absconded with entire pizzas, not pieces. Start a union, Pearl.

Geo. said...

I think what you need here is the assumption of further refreshment. Proviso letter was very specific but neglected any mention of beer. A handtruck and kegs may be in order.

Suldog said...

I find it comforting that Mr. Lash has steady employment. I always felt that Do-Right had a personal grudge. Just because he tied Do-Right's main squeeze, Nell, to the railroad tracks! Somebody was bound to do so. Anyway, shame he had to emigrate to the US to find suitable employment opportunities, but I'm glad he landed on his feet.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I am also borrowing that 'Random capitalization and punctuation included' phrase for the next student writing rubric I like. I'll cite you on it;)

Janice Wagar said...

Early in my adulthood, I worked at a steakhouse with a world-wise older waitress named Ruby. Ruby's favorite expression was, "You may as well laugh as cry". I was reminded of that after reading Snidely's email. I'm surprised it wasn't a bulleted list!

bill lisleman said...

I would like to donate my 2 pieces of pizza to shove up this VP's ass.

Anonymous said...

People like this are why we're expected to experience in a severe apostrophe shortage in another year or two.

Pat Tillett said...

Yuck! He'll be lucky to have any employees left for next year!
Nice one Pearl...