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Monday, October 12, 2015

“Hi. I Won’t Be In to Work Tomorrow.”

There is a knock on the door.

Lulled into a half-lidded stupor by an afternoon of Celebrity Bowling – a game show from the 70s on just one of the nine fabulous channels received at Casa del Pearl – I rise from the couch.

“Well, look at you,” she says.

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, steps forward, dragging a brown paper bag.  Former-roommate-now-cat-next-door and current holder of the world’s record in the mouse steeplechase, she leaves the parcel at the door.  Sitting down, she cocks her head, studies me. 

I frown.  “What are you doing?”

“Hmm?”  She looks at the bag.  “Oh, this.”  She chuckles.  “Sunday Funday, ol’ bean.”  She twitches a delicate whisker, shifts her head to stare at me from another angle.  She sniffs the air.  “You’ve been laying on the couch all day, haven’t you?”

“I resent whatever it is you’re saying,” I say.  I take what I imagine to be a surreptitious sniff at an armpit. 

She wrinkles her nose.  “We’ll ignore that.”  She nudges the bag to one side.  “I came bearing gifts, but now that I see you,” she says. “I’ve changed my mind.”

I bend over, pick up the bag:  a bottle of gin, a bottle of tonic, roughly two dozen limes.  I look up at her.  “I always wonder.  Where do you –“

“Are you wearing that?” she interrupts. “I’m going to need you to change.”

I look down at the flannel pants.  “Change?”

“Pants,” the cat says.  “Shirt.  Jacket.  Perhaps a scarf.”  The cat rises, leaps to the back of the couch, where she checks her reflection in the mirror on the wall. 

“I know what “change” means,” I say.

“Oh, Pearl,” she says.  “I cannot, in good conscience, let you sit here looking like that.”  She places a thoughtful paw on her chin.  “There’s the drunken spelling bee at the 331.  There’s karaoke at the Vegas. “  She stops.  “Oh, I know.  What say we go up to the Spring.  We can watch the people sing along to the jukebox.  Maybe that guy with the Tom Petty fetish will be there again.”

“Or the guy that does all that AC/DC.”

“Better yet,” she says, eyes sparkling.  “We go up to Jimmy’s.  We’ll aim for the corner booth, we’ll eat that three-dollar shrimp cocktail they serve.  We’ll catch up.”  She abruptly stands. 

“I’ve decided,” she says.  “It’s decided.  Go get dressed.  We’re going to Jimmy’s.”  She jumps to the floor. 

And you know what? 

The cat is right, dammit. 



The cat taps the side of her nose with a paw.  “We’ll text your boss on the way to the bar.  You might as well call in sick now.”


Nancy/BLissed-Out Grandma said...

The cat was probably wise to get you up and out. There's plenty of time to watch old game shows after the snow falls. Hope you are well.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
It couldn't be long before Trouble arrived at the door. The Very Best Kinda Trouble of course. The Sort which Requires Capitals. I'd pop by the drug store on the way too; some ibuprofen might not go amiss. Enjoy Jimmy's you two... YAM xx

jenny_o said...

We all should have a Liza Bean in our lives to make us get up and get out.

And to plan for the fallout. So, what did the boss say?

Joanne Noragon said...

In the olden days, one of us would call in sick for the other. Sadly, we could not do that until Monday morning.

Suzy said...

Did you cut off your cable? I cut mine off to save money and my apparent addiction. Unfortunately I discovered projectfree.tv and projectfree.so and I'm back. No commercials, new movies and shows on the same night they air on TV and free. You have to click around the links but vodlocker and vitzi are the most reliable.

I watch them on my computer. I realize I have a problem, btw.

Eva Gallant said...

I could kick myself for not stopping by more often! Your posts are always such a delight!

Glen said...

all my cats bring me are semi-dead mice - and the occasional toad.

you have them very well trained :-)

Catalyst said...

Jimmy's sounds good, especially with that $3 shrimp cocktail. 'Course you may have to pry it out of Liza Bean's hands/paws.

Delores said...

Yup..enough laying around. Up and at 'em. The cat knows what's best.

Elephant's Child said...

I love that Liza B is visiting you. And has your well being (perhaps not best interests, but certainly well being) in her heart.

Gigi said...

Yay for Liza Bean. Now as to what you to got up to at Jimmy's....can't wait to hear.

fmcgmccllc said...

Get out and go girl.

Wynn said...

You know, they look all furry and behave really stupidly sometimes, but once in a while you look into their big eyes and see greatness and wisdom. That one did as well.

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

I'm such a fan of Liza Bean Bitey's! What she drags in as a gift for you far surpasses anything any of my cats drag in! (I don't even want to get into that!)

Rose L said...

That's right, Pearl. Get up Get dressed, get out! And don't let your boss catch ya!

River said...

The only thing my cat brings me is leaves and twigs, bits of flowers from the garden, all stuck in his fur.
Hooray for Liza Bean who brings better quality gifts.

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Thank you for the laugh and the image this post brought to mind