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Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Pearl Needs to Change Her Password; or What Mary's Planning on Wearing to the Work Party


While the cat’s away, the mice, so to speak, will play. 

You really shouldn’t leave your laptop unattended, Pearl.

Hello!  It’s Mary.  We’ve not formally met, but you may remember me from the time I threw a bear out of a party, or perhaps through my love of the paying cleaning job.  You may even recall the commiseration between Pearl and I and our opinions on those who dress inappropriately for winter.

Whatever your recollections, I’ve written you a little sumpin’.  Sit back, maybe make yourself a nice piece of toast, and enjoy a moment with me and the Old Man.

I’ve named it…

A Moment with Me and the Old Man


Me: Yellow...

Old Man: Hey Stinky.

Me: Hey, Smelly. Whaddup?

OM: You know about my company Christmas Party?

Me: I might.

OM: You wearin' a dress?

Me: A dress?!

Let's take a moment and think about this. A couple things come to mind.

One: I can't remember the last time I wore a dress.  I am thinking it might have been the late 70's.

Two: The Old Man does not take notice of what I am wearing whatsoever. Even if I entered a room and burst into flames, he would look at me and say, "Hey.  You know what works good on fire? Water. But hey, did you happen to pick up those O-rings at the Harley dealer for me?" 
This conversation is definitely being funneled through another person, let's see where this goes, shall we?

OM: Yes. A dress.

Me: A dress like women on TV wear?

OM: Stop it. The Engineer's wife wants to know if you are wearing a dress.

Me: A total stranger's wife wants to know what I am wearing? That is just weird.

OM: You are weird. She told Fuzzy that she is wearing a pant suit.

Note: The Old Man calls everyone “Fuzzy” since he can't remember names.

Me: Hmmph. Is she wearing a pant suit like Hilary Clinton? Or like Gwen Stefani? This could be a game changer for me. Let's pull her in on a conference call and get this handled. Wait just a second. Isn't your party at the Blue Note?

Let's take another moment. The Blue Note is a redneck bar that is probably used in filming bar fights in Hollywood movies and since it is the only bar in this particular town, it is the place hunters stop after capping a deer right between the eyes directly through the skull meat.

OM: Yes, why?

Me: I was just wondering where I could find a fleece-lined flannel dress with a gun holster to double as a belt this late in the game?

OM: What is wrong with you?!!

Insert sound of crickets. Do you hear my eyes blinking? I never know how to answer this question.

Me: So are you saying my original plan of sporting "The Winnie the Pooh" is out of the question?

OM: What?

Me: You know. Winnie the Pooh: red top, no pants. The red top says "Festive" while the no-pants says "Confident". Besides the no-pants look is always fun for party pics.

OM: There really is something wrong with you. Gotta run.

Me: Alrighty then. Buh-bye.

Communication is key.  And it looks like I need to go out and find a nice red top.

Happy Holidays, everyone!


Jayne Martin said...

I'm sure you'll be the belle of the redneck ball, Mary. Have a helluva good time. :)

Rose Blackthorn said...

Merry Christmas Mary! (and Pearl. Who should know better than to leave her laptop unattended).

Hope you found the fleece-lined pantsuit.

How was the party? Did you drink Fuzzy under the table?

sage said...

Merry Christmas Pearl and Mary and whoever else lives here... Your company Christmas party sounds like one of those I attended back in the early 80s, where several ended up sleeping at my house cause they were not able to drive to their own home--and one ended up waltzing with my Christmas tree in the middle of the night which didn't exactly make my wife at the time very happy.

Silliyak said...

Please deliver a virtual group hug from all of us, take a little for yourself for being a friend to our favorite writer.

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

A guest post from Mary! How much flipping fun is this?! A lot of fun, I tell you what! Great stuff, Mary!!

Ray Denzel said...

about those pics... ;-)

Mac n' Janet said...

The only dress I own is one I wear to funerals so unless someone is planning on dying at the Christmas party I would not be wearing a dress.

Merry Christmas Pearl you always make me laugh.

Sioux said...

Tell Mary thank you for the post. And Pearl, I hope your holiday is a wonderful one.

Buttons said...

Mac n' Janet had me laugh is that bad?:) So Pearl I am sure your look smashing no matter what you wear, red top sounds nice:) Have a great holiday working or not Pearl. HUG B

jenny_o said...

Hee hee! Pearl, better watch out - that Mary can write just about as good as you do :)

Happy Holidays, you!

Elephant's Child said...

Thank you Mary, thank you Pearl. Lots.

Watson said...

Merry Christmas to you, Mary and Pearl, and to Lisa Bean and Dolly, and to all those you love, including O.M.

Eva Gallant said...

Red top only sounds like the perfect outfit if you're planning to "do the dance with no pants!"

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I've never understood the whole bear with shirt but no pants business. Better to dress like Smokey the Bear--bibs with no shirt...

Geo. said...

Merry Christmas, Pearl!

Pearl said...

Merry Christmas, everyone.

I'll be back soon. And in the meantime, enjoy your days off, a little bit of eggnog (I do love that stuff) and remember to moisturize.

Hugs to All,


Jono said...

Waiting for pics. And moisturizer.

Catalyst/Taylor said...

I just don't know where Pearl finds her friends. But they are funny. Merry Christmas!

fishducky said...

Merry Christmas, Pearl, Mary & kitties!!

Anonymous said...

But definitely not a dress...I got that much.

Linda O'Connell said...

Merry Christmas to you and yours. Party on!

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
OMW Pearl - you got a hacker.............. or was that just you coughing??? Hugs all round and here's to having you back e'er long... YAM xx

River said...

Hello Mary! Merry Christmas and to Pearl too :)
Make sure that red top is fleece lined or you could get a tad chilly. (*~*)

Shelly said...

I came out of blog retirement just to read this because I've always wanted to meet ya, Mary. This was a hoot! So glad you are writing!

savannah said...

well, around here, a clean and pressed white shirt and clean jeans are totally acceptable attire, sugar plum! :) merry christmas y'all1 xoxoxo

bill lisleman said...

Hey Fuzzy, good thing I didn't spread any jam on my toast. My fingers would be stuck to the keyboard now.
Winnie the Pooh outfit - great one!
Merry Christmas

Daisy said...

Well the Winnie the Pooh look has worked just fine for Winnie all these years, so why not?! This was fun. :D

Jocelyn said...

I want you to dress like Poo and then get stuck in a hole, as he did, for a few days. I imagine you'd still get up to some hijinks, even stranded that way.

The Jules said...

Considering the WInnie the Pooh look for work now . . .

Joanna Jenkins said...

OMG, Pearl, you ended 2014 with a bang. That was awesome... "a pant suit like Hilary Clinton? Or like Gwen Stefani..." ha!

Happy New Year!!!
xo jj