I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Snorting Bleach and Grunting with Vigor, or Mary and Pearl Make an Honest Living


Mary and I cleaned yesterday afternoon, a small, floor-dirty, disorganized kinda place also known as my very own home.  Whilst I recover from that, please enjoy a previous cleaning job...



Good God am I tired.

Let me tell you about cleaning houses, people. The truth is this: no matter the size of the place, empty or occupied, house or an apartment, cleaning a domicile is no small matter.

Ask Mary or me. We’ll tell you, and in colorful language, that cleaning a place is a serious endeavor, one best met with rubber gloves and copious amounts of bleach and wood soap.

And Comet.

I love Comet. It’s abrasive, takes out stains you’d never think would come out, and leaves behind a clean scent.

Go Comet!

The job might’ve seemed shorter, of course, if we hadn’t taken a wrong turn getting there. Mapquest said it was 4.1 miles from my house. I think we logged 20 getting there.

I blame Mary, of course. She makes me laugh, which in turn leads to a sort of muscle spasticity, which for some reason causes me to make unpredictable right-hand turns… Let’s not point fingers – unless they’re pointed at Mary, of course – regarding who took us miles and miles out of our way.

Let’s just say that it was Mary.

At any rate, we ended up well past the Loring Park neighborhood we needed and onto 35W South, which lead to 35W North, which lead to a detour which took us past some very nice houses and down around Lake Calhoun.

All of this is from memory only and should not be used for the purposes of gambling.

Where was I?

Oh, yes. We worked. We started late, stayed late, and somewhere in there, my skin took on a bleach aroma.  

And I developed a couple more laugh lines.

It was totally worth it.

Ladies and gentlemen, when given the opportunity to work hard, laugh hard, and make cash?

I recommend you take it.

25 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Yep.

Daisy said...

You make cleaning a house almost sound like fun. Hey, maybe you'd like to have some fun cleaning my house! :D

Jacquelineand.... said...

Well then, I have an offer you can't refuse...

Suldog said...

Bizarre sort of memory dredged up here, but I hadn't really thought of Comet in ages. I guess I'm not much into cleaning as I should be? Anyway, it was My Grandmother's cleanser of choice and every time I went over to their place, and had to take a bath, there always seemed to be a bit of Comet residue in the tub. I'm assuming it isn't entirely poisonous, since I survived, but it made for a somewhat scratchy bathing experience.

bill lisleman said...

"unpredictable right-hand turns" - much safer than the left-hand ones.
Do the two of you in the car even bother to put the radio on?

Simply Suthern said...

I got the work hard down pat.

I make change. Change is money I spose.

I work alone so I dont laugh much there. I do sing but mostly grunt.

Not particularly fond of the bleach aroma.

Geo. said...

Stretching 4 miles into 20, my mother was famous for that --the detours, the unpredictable right turns. The lure of the scenic route is strong in many drivers and it's best not to stand in their way.

Eva Gallant said...

Laugh and work should always go together!

jenny_o said...

I don't believe I have ever cleaned house and laughed at the same time. Does talking to yourself count? There IS occasionally colourful language.

I need a Mary!

Birdie said...

Oh, how I love Comet! I use it on the toilet because it gets all the gross toilet stuff off. I just used up the rest of it yesterday. When I checked with the Environmental Working Group it said that it was one of the worst products! How could that be? I love it! Apparently it has something like 150 contaminants. I guess I will be using baking soda but I don't like it. Not one bit.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Oh Yeah - apart from choking on the bleach fumes, I'm with ya! YAM &*>

Kana said...

Honestly thought your post title was Snorting Bleach and Grunting with Vinegar.

Susan Kane said...

I'm a-headin' to clean my bathroom. Outta bleach, tho. Will 'Scrubbin' Bubbles' be okay.

Susan Kane said...

Okay, Pearl. Back from cleaning the bathroom. Have you ever used "Krud Kutter"?

Leenie said...

Snorting bleach is certain to bring a cleaner's high and a deep sense of pride; even if the place isn't your own and the paycheck less than a rock star's.

Flea said...

Well hey Pearl! Given the opportunity to clean a house, especially my own, I will usually decline. Feed chickens and ducks? Play with small children all day? Burn baby animals? Done! Cleaning house? Not so much. All you.
www.dogtreatweb.com

HermanTurnip said...

"work hard, laugh hard, make cash?" Say...where can I sign up for that gig? :-)

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Cleaning is hard work but is better when you have someone to help you laugh when doing it..........oh music playing nice and loud....

Rose L said...

I only use Comet in my kitchen sink occasionally. It is not something I like to use and am considering a more environmentally safe product and one not so bad on the skin.

Linda O'Connell said...

Alright, now you've guitled me into cleaning the bathtub. You can make even the most mundane mighty funny.

jeanie said...

It reminds me of a ditty from childhood.

Comet - it makes your teeth go green,
Comet - it tastes like gasolene,
Comet - it makes you vomit
So have some Comet, and vomit, today....

Of course, it made no sense to me, as the only Comet brand I knew were of windmills.

vanilla said...

"Work hard, laugh hard, and make cash." Seems like a pretty good prescription for living ones life.

Joan said...

Comet for me too. None of that Ajax stuff!

Pat said...

I'd take it - as long as Mary was part of the deal.

Pat Tillett said...

You can't beat having fun while making money! I had a job like that for many years. If it hadn't changed, I'd probably still be working.
Great post Pearl...