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Friday, July 25, 2014

You Don't Have a Spare Mil on Ya, Do Ya?

Shoot, I know I’ve said it before; but I could really use a million dollars.

First thing on the list to buy with that mil: Electric fencing around the house, the kind people use on dogs, only for people. The coalition of inebriants that formed a giggling chain of imbalance in the back last night?  I’m thinking a little acid (Lysergic Acid Diethylamide) in the drinking water (or their beer) oughta hold ‘em still until I can get those little collars around their necks.

Anybody know where I can get some acid? E-mail me. Put the words “Dave’s Not Here, Man” in the subject line.

The next thing I want to get with my million?

My own bus.

The bus this morning, the bus immediately following the one I usually take, was just downright low-class.  Hard to imagine, iddin it?, a bus with low-class characters on it? I found it hard to believe myself. Frankly, who would’ve thought they’d be awake so early in the morning? But there they were, off, if the vocalizations this morning were any indication, to some sort of Baggy-Pantsed Hollering Competition.

Things are looking loud for us this year – I like our chances.

I’m gonna hold out on buying the shirt until they make it past the Incoherent and Inappropriately Proud prelims, though. Don’t want to end up like last year. My 2013 Shoutin’ and Poutin’ jersey is just embarrassing.

Next thing I want to get? A professional hair brusher. Not a hair brush – a hair brusher. He can stand behind me at my desk and brush and/or braid my hair.

Wait. No. That’s a little self-indulgent, don’t you think?

OK. So it’s between a professional hair brusher and a full-time toady. I haven’t quite decided. I’ve never had my own toady, and I think it’s about time.

You look very nice today, Pearl. Are you losing weight?

Maybe I can get a hair-brushing toady?

So let’s see: electric fencing plus enough collars for my neighborhood, enough acid to get said collars on said neighbors, my own bus, and a hair brusher and/or full-time toady.

The rest I’ll put into mutual funds. Or lottery tickets. Whichever seems more lucrative.

30 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

If you don't go with a union toady he can brush your hair too.

Shelly said...

Holla!

jenny_o said...

Ooo, I hate it when the neighbours don't behave! Good luck with those collars and a little tip ... don't test them out on yourself ...

Delores said...

I hate to say it but I think I AM a toady.

Should Fish More said...

'knock knock knock'
"Open up, its Dave. I've got the stuff"

Also look into getting a few minions.

Patricia said...

Tee hee!

But there they were, off, if the vocalizations this morning were any indication, to some sort of Baggy-Pantsed Hollering Competition.

joeh said...

My check for $5000 just cleared so I expect $25,000,000 from Nigeria any day now and I could lend you a mil at a very low interest rate.

Ray Denzel said...

I don't brush hair but I am good at running my fingers through your hair and whispering sweet nothings in your ear 😊

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Oh, Pearlie. You so funny. :)

Silliyak said...

I think you need to repost this with some mention of the cats before they get up and read this.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Perhaps a garden gnome or two..? YAM xx

vanilla said...

Toady. I want a toady, or a sycophant, whichever lends the greater panache to my image.

Geo. said...

A million dollars couldn't compare with the uses you would put it to, or the wonderful mind that generates them.

Barbara Torris said...

I love your line of thinking and I love the commenters. You guys just belong together. :)

Elephant's Child said...

Are you sure a million is enough? Hair-brushing toadies don't come cheap.
Though I would gladly pay to ride on your bus.

fmcgmccllc said...

I hate to say, there really are professional hair brushers. Shiver me timbers on that one.

Sioux said...

I want a toady, too. Perhaps we could find twin toadys, and can go halvsies on them.

Catalyst/Taylor said...

Ver' funny. Yes. Ver' funny.

Chicken said...

I love this. I love you.

Chicken said...

Toady here, will brush hair for gin, limes, and the association perks.

Rose L said...

YES! A professional hair brusher! If you want me to melt, do that for me! I LOVE having my hair brushed.
Kissing my neck is another melting point!! A hair brusher who will kiss my neck and then give me an hour long relaxation massage!! YES!!!

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Damn I am reading some bloody funny blogs today

River said...

A SPARE mil? I haven't yet got my first mil, never mind a spare. but if I could spare it, I would spare it your way.

Drake Sigar said...

Unless it's to make your own Bangbus videos, a bus is the last vehicle I'd pick up with a million dollars.

Linda O'Connell said...

An old guy got sick of his neighbors driving over the edge of his lawn, so he booby-trapped it with homemade spike strips and buried them just below the dirt. He got arrested, but I can see how people can drive you to do it!

the walking man said...

Does the toady job pay well, my nephew and his wife live in your town--he may need a PT gig while in grad school.

OH Pearl you have not witnessed a full blown baggy ass hanging out shouting match until you see a Detroit one. Last week they came rolling up in a new Caddy got out with drawers dripping with cash and started shouting for the poor baggy pantsers to come get paid.

I pulled my drawers down to go get me some cash too but they laughed at me, I forgot you need boxers, they have no respect for a commando.

Jono said...

"No! I'M Dave. I think the cops saw me!
Ah, the things I don't need since I am not burdened with hair.

Jono said...

Life is sure easy not having hair.

Daisy said...

Baggy-Pantsed Hollering Competition--ahahahaha! Thanks for the Sunday night giggles, Pearl. :D

Suzanne Casamento said...

And to think, some people spend their mils on fancy vacations. (Which would be totally lame without a toady.)