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Thursday, July 24, 2014

Who Turned the Heat On? or Pearl Shakes A Hot Little Fist at the World

I lie on my back in the dark, defeated and, seemingly, baked. 

And before you believe I’ve gone misty-eyed and confessional in my old age, we’re not talking about “baked” in the traditional sense, wherein one’s eyes are, perhaps, bloodshot, maybe a bag of Doritos on the coffee table, In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida on the turntable for the 11th time.  We're talking "baked" in the heated, suffocating, why-hast-though-forsaken-me sense.

I roll over, check the bedside clock. 

Two o’clock.

Nothing has changed in the last three hours but the time. 

And there will be a repeat of that for the next three.

Life is hard, peoples, and don’t let anyone tell you differently.  One moment you’re just your above-average woman, fighting evil-doers and the creeping cellulite, and the next moment you’re that same above-average woman fighting the urge to stick your head in the freezer whilst weeping.

And then there’s still that cellulite to fight.

I call my friend Pat after work, on my way to yoga.

“I have to tell you about hot flashes, Pat.  I have to warn you.”

Pat laughs at me, as Pat is wont to do.  “Oh, you don’t have to tell me, darlin’.”

“What am I going to do?” I whine.  “I’m uncomfortable!  I’m moody!  I have a headache!  And I’m uncomfortable!”

“You already said that.”

“And I’m repetitious, okay?”  I stop at a red light, wait for the chance to be just another Ped Xing.  “ARGH!” I groan, frightening the young man next to me.  I show him my teeth, and he takes a careful step to the left.  “Remember how annoying I was a teenager?”

Pat laughs.  “No, but I believe you.”

“Well you’re not going to believe this, but I’m annoying again.”

“Again?”

I know Pat is smiling.  She has to be.  We’re friends.  “Yes,” I say, “again.”  The light turns green, and the young man next to me bolts.  “Coward,” I hiss.

“Pearl,” Pat says.

“Hmmm?”  A car passes within feet of me, and I show it, too, my teeth.

“You need to calm down.”

“Calm down?  CALM DOWN?  Me?  Why do you hate me?  Why are you being so mean?”

Pat laughs.  “You just keep that sense of humor,” she says.

“Hey, Pat,” I say.  I am smiling, and I know she knows. 

“What?”

“I’m burnin’ up, baby.”

Pat laughs at me, with me.  “Ain’t nobody hotter,” she says.

“Thank you,” I say, heading into the yoga studio.

“Any time,” she says. 






24 comments:

Sioux said...

See--I told you were hot, Pearl!

joeh said...

I'm not sure, but I think I need to cover my ears and go lalalalala.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Prepare yourself very carefully, find ways to deal with the anger bursts, the memory lapses, summer-like winters and winter-like summers, dietary digressions, and never mind INsomnia, go the NONsomnia.... After 8 years I may just be getting the handle on things. Am I helping? YAM xx

vanilla said...

"Ain't nobody hotter." Pat knows you so well!

Delores said...

And when you sit at your desk with rivers running down your back and into your eyes and your clothing is stuck to you.....well.....just remember, it CAN get worse.

Leenie B said...

Oooh the hormone surges. You get it twice; leaving your first childhood and then again on the exit into the second childhood. Hang in there. Hot flashes come in very handy when the thermometer drops and freezes solid for months at a time(as it is wont to do where we live). And if nobody kills you before you turn fifty or so, the rest can be a pretty good ride especially if you keep up with the yoga.

Sioux said...

Whoopsy. I left out a word or two.

Pearl--I told you that you were hot (referring to the comment I made on yesterday's post).

Daisy said...

I hear you, Pearl. *handing Pearl a cool, damp cloth so she can wipe her brow and pouring her a nice tall glass of iced tea*

Daisy said...

Hang on to the hot spots Pearl ... winter is coming.

Pearl said...

What lovely people you all are.

I could cry. :-) And just might.

XOXO,

Pearl

jenny_o said...

You must have fearsome teeth. And in a more helpful vein, here are your friends: cool cloth and cool drink, like Flower Daisy said, hair up & bangs off forehead, fan on your desk, paperweights to keep the fan from sending your work into next week, dress in layers when it gets cooler, punching bag, and there's probably some herbal thing you can take but I'm not into that so no help there. Aw, good luck, Pearl. Also, the hot yoga? Maybe adding insult to injury? Although maybe it's comforting if you can't tell whether the temperature or the hormones is the culprit ...

Suzanne Casamento said...

I love my life. But I'm REALLY not looking forward to that portion of it. Fear is disabling my ability to add witty comments. Thank God for your other readers! ;)

Jono said...

Hmmm. Maybe you SHOULD get baked. How about a road trip to Colorado or Washington? What can it hurt?

Elephant's Child said...

Sympathetic, empathic sighs, tears and scowls from across the world. Cool drinks, damp cloths, laughter and tears help. And sometimes a fearsome scowl is good as well. Hot yoga? Hmmm.

Perpetua said...

Poor Pearl. I remember it well. Hang in there, girl - even this will pass...

Gigi said...

I am quaking in fear over here...considering my doctor told me I may be entering into the "peri" part of the process.

I fear for my family.

Merlesworld said...

Don't worry the winters will be wonderful.
Merle..............

Susan said...

Hi Pearl....

Enjoyed reading your post.

Also want to thank you for visiting my blog today. It was nice to have you stop by. Come any time. (When you are cooler.ha!) Susan

Geo. said...

Ah, the climaterics. I sympathize. My own excursions into andropause make me glad I limited myself to only one gender.

River said...

I remember the hot flashes! my body is naturally on the hot side, I'm the one with warm hands and feet all winter long, so summers are hard for me, but those hot flashes were worse. I'd spend night after night being comfortable one minute then throwing off layers of clothing the next only to put them back on in five minutes time. Repeat every forty minutes or so every night for the next several years. I found a connection between the hot flashes and certain foods, it helped A LOT if I went without chocolate and coffee. Now I'm *this* close to being 62 and still get the occasional hot uncomfortable moments if I have more than one coffee. Thank goodness I never had the rivers of sweat.

Rose L said...

Yea, know the feeling...I am a hot woman, too!!!

Linda O'Connell said...

Four freaking months of non stop menopause symptoms...and then it was over as fast as it came stealing my moisture. I joke, what used to be wet is now dry and what used to be dry is now wet. I started sweating! I never sweated. No amount of Oil of Olay can replace the moisture my face lost. Oh it's a joy flipping covers and clothes. Wishing you a rapid hormone hell.

Val S said...

When I told my doctor I had hot flashes every 45 minutes she said, "I think that's a little extreme. How 'bout a low-dose hormone?" I said yes - low-dose (I'm even just alternating days) and only for less than a year. I don't know what will happen when I wean myself off them, but thanks for the reminder!

esbboston said...

What? You thermal wimp, its gonna be 104 here today. I do think we are gonna get a strong chance for rain in 7 out of the neXt 9 days. I just made it back from the Dakota de South, thought of you over to the east. It was a sad time.