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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

And If it DOESN’T Work Out, Well, Then I’ve Got Another Blog Post

It’s quite possible that I will skip the bean burrito I had planned for dinner.

And I’ve thrown out the kale salad I had made for lunch.

I rifle through my purse.  Do I have any Beano

I am speaking at Metro State University tonight, to a creative writing class, and my biggest fear is not that I will get lost on the way there or that I will have nothing to say, but that I will develop gas roughly at the same time I say “Hello.  My name is Pearl, and I’ve been writing the blog “Pearl, Why You Little” for the past five years”.

Frankly, I don’t need the pressure.

I e-mail my sister with my concerns.

“Have you considered plastic pants?” she writes.  “The kind with the elastic around the leg holes?”

“So sweaty,” I write back. 

“Well it is fall,” she says.  “You can’t be too warm.”

“I’m going to write about this,” I say.

“And I will be inaccurately quoted, as usual,” she says.  “Oh, well.  Purple monkey elevator.”

I nod at my screen. 

Maybe she has a point.  Maybe plastic drawers isn’t a bad idea…

But no.  Plastic pants lack the professorial dignity I’ve been working on for, oh, the last 45 minutes.  Besides, the rustle of plastic under the fweep-fweep-fweep of a chubby-thighed woman in corduroy pants would be overwhelming, possibly detracting from the solemnity of a college lecture…

I have very important things to say, you know. 

I check my watch.  I leave in an hour.

I’m sure it will all be fine.



38 comments:

Buttons said...

Your sister is brilliant:) B

Delores said...

I'd suggest a cork but you might be in danger from the riccochet. Good luck....have someone video tape it so we can all enjoy your speech and the possible sound effects.

Shelly said...

Your sister and Mary need to blog, too. Can't wait to hear about how it went~

Indigo Roth said...

*fweep fweep fweep*

Sighs delightedly, dreaming of corduroy =)

Eva Gallant said...

In demand as a speaker....wow, you've come a long way, Baby! Ah, what's a little flatulence between fans?

Cathy Olliffe-Webster said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! And that's all I have to say about that...

Pearl said...

It actually went very well last night.

And there was no flatulence.

I did, however, get lost when I left the parking lot afterward. :-)

Giddy, I was...

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

oh - I'm so happy for you! Of course you got lost on the way out - of course you did!

Susan Williams said...

And we all breathe a sigh of relief.
Phew!

Ew.

What's that smell?

Elizabeth Rose Stanton said...

I'm absolutely sure it will be fine. However, I never thought about being worried about the gas thing (maybe I should have written some fart jokes into HENNY). Now I am. Thanks a lot. ;)

Jeanie said...

The lesser of two evils....getting lost is way better than farting in a crowd. Glad it went well.

Rose said...

Congratulations! Glad it went so well!! And I'm glad you didn't shart yourself - that would've been a bummer.

jenny_o said...

Exciting! Glad it went well. Do you get a big influx of readers after each speech?

And in future, the only advice that comes to mind is: if you're wearing a wireless mic, do not make a last minute trip to go potty before getting on stage.

Daisy said...

I think those students are very lucky to have you as a speaker. I just hope none of them read your blog BEFORE you spoke as it would be very distracting. "Will she? Won't she" Would love a video, or at least a transcript!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I'm sure it went well--and you held in all your hot air until you left the building!

Jen @ Muddy Boot Dreams said...

Fennel seeds, quick, run out and get some...I saw it on DR. OZ, and it works.


In fact I had a funny convo about it this morning, must have been fate that I saw your post on Buttons sidebar.

Jen

Leenie said...

Woohoo! What gig. Bet you slayed them even without the whoopee cushion. Burritos on the menu today?

Christine said...

you'll be fine! You've done so well with your blog over the years, nice to catch up with you Pearl!

Joanne Noragon said...

It's not easy to keep the gas in its proper place, especially after a certain age and in certain activities, such as standing up and walking. And standing around.

Glad all went well, and good for you.

vanilla said...

I never for a moment imagined that it could be anything other than "fine." Well done!

Baby Rocket Dog and Hootie said...

Funny post. Funny comments! The pun/one from Rose that said "would've been a bummer" was great. Bummer. hehe. We would have suggested that you just bring along a dog and then blame it on him/her. That's what happens at our place.

Smooches from pooches,
BabyRocketDog & Hootie

Perpetua said...

Glad it went well and I wish I could have heard you. Lucky students.

Linda O'Connell said...

You are young enough to have some control of your gas. Just wait. You will be in the lecture circuit soon. Have fun.

Sioux's Page said...

Hopefully it was a "gas-gas-gas," in the words of Mick Jagger. ;)

Launna said...

Pearl... thank you for the laugh ;-)

Gigi said...

Glad to hear it went along with any "issues!" And it least you got lost on the way OUT of the parking lot instead of in.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

I can't wait to hear how it went. I'm sure you were brilliant. and the gas...pretend it is yoga class where everybody expects it!

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Oh good! Glad it went well. and you found your way home, too, so bonus points!

Daisy said...

Haha! You crack me up!

So glad to hear all went well.

HermanTurnip said...

Trust me, plastic pants are worse than corduroys if you're concerned about making too much noise when you walk. Sure, they'll keep in any embarrassing moisture, but that terrible swish! swish! swish! brings nothing but unwanted attention.

Rose L said...

So, was the lack of Beano a problem? Or is that the statement you wanted to make (what happens when you do not have beano)?

Geo. said...

There's just something very endearing about a lovely, accomplished woman poking through her purse for Beano.

Elephant's Child said...

I am thrilled (and unsurprised) to hear that it went well.

River said...

You're speaking to a Creative Writing Class? What a coincidence! I've just signed up to take a Creative Writing Class.
I didn't know corduroy pants still existed.
You're wise to avoid the bean burrito and without it, you should be fine, Just don't gulp your coffee.

Esther Montgomery said...

And was it? (Fine.)

whiteangel said...

Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting.
Your post made me laugh :)

Suldog said...

I don't suppose a transcript is available? Or, better still, a recording? I'm serious.

Diane Tolley said...

And there is the additional worry of the elasticized rubber pants . . . inflating. Now that's a picture!