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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Part Two: What the Woman and the Cat at the Next Table are Talking About, or I Hope They’ve Laid in Enough Limes


By the time I get to Psycho Suzi’s, the cat is half-way through her second drink.

“Pearl!” she bawls. 

I smile.  Pink-faced and sweating under the hooded sleeping bag I appear to be wearing, I slide into the booth next to her.

“That,” she says emphatically, “is simply a tragic coat.  Why don’t you have a fur?  They’re fabulous.”

“I would,” I say, trying to catch the eye of the waitress and unzip my coat at the same time, “but the money’s all gone to the Sheikh Zayed International Camel Endurance Race.”

Liza Bean perks up.  “Really?”

“No,” I say.

Liza Bean, of the Minneapolis Biteys, four-legged symmetrically-striped animal of the cat persuasion and serial lime abuser, fishes one of four limes out of her gin and tonic.  “Droll,” she murmurs, a slight smile on her face, “very droll, Pearl.”

She winks at me, holds up a paw – the one with the mostly-squeezed lime in it – and a waitress appears.  “Nikki, honey,” Liza Bean drawls.  “Would you get Pearl here a gin and tonic?  Heavy on the limes, please.”

Nikki, bless her little tattooed legs, beats a mini-skirted dash to the bar.  Cats, while they can be demanding patrons, are substantial tippers, and the servers in the know are extravagant in their desire to please.

“So what’s this all about,” I say.  “You pop in in the middle of the night, and – hey!  I want my key back!”

“Look at you,” she chortles, “all indignant.  I rather like that look on you.  It says, I’m irate, I’m righteous, and I’m ready for my gin and tonic.  And here – thank you, honey – it is!  Bottoms up, old girl!”

I quickly squeeze all four limes into my drink, give it a try.

“I do love a gin and tonic,” I say.

“As well you should,” she croons. 

There is a momentary silence as we consider the beauty of a well-made drink. 

“Bottoms up,” she purrs.  “You’re going to want another.”

I raise my eyebrows.

“Yessssss,” she says.  “And raise them you might.  I ran into Fuzzwald last night.”

I slam the rest of my drink.  Fuzzwald Tiberius Stripersson, one-time heir to the Stripersson foundation garment dynasty and recently released of the Hennepin-County jailed, is Liza Bean Bitey’s ex. 

“Nikki!” I holler.  “Two more gin and tonics, please!”

26 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Oh no...not the Fuzzman! Double gin and tonic over here please.

vanilla said...

The key, Pearl. I might have told you the direct approach would not work, had you but asked.

Pearl said...

Delores, the Fuzzman cometh. :-)

Vanilla, I'm a slow learner, my friend.

Douglas said...

Of all the things I have given up, I miss gin and tonics the most.

Pearl said...

Douglas, then the next one I have will be with you in mind. :-)

NotesFromAbroad said...

Well, aside from wanting to hear more about the Fuzzwalds, I have a new goal.
It is hot summer here, I am going to order a gin and tonic next time out .. see if it as much fun with the husband as it is with a kitty cat.

Pearl said...

NotesFromAbroad, Fuzzwald T. Stripersson is a handsome cat with a dubious background -- naturally he is quite charming, and therefore dangerous. :-)

joeh said...

That name is so familiar...is Fuzzwald from the New Jersey Stripersson's?

Pearl said...

Joeh, Fuzzwald may have spent time in the New Jersey area. :-)

Daisy said...

That reminds me...I've got a bottle of gin in the fridge. Must get limes.

Pearl said...

Daisy, shall I tell Liza Bean around midnight, then?

Kana said...

This cat has more going on than I ever have, or will.

River said...

uh-Oh, here come da Fuzz....

Hannah Denski said...

I've a feeling there's more to it! I'll just have to watch out for the continuation! Write fast! x

goatman said...

Very engrossing, and well said.
Hey . . . I was born in Hennepin County, really.

Goldenoldenlady said...

After years of G&T I switched this year to a gin ricky (juice of one lime, two fingers of gin, topped up with soda water and ice and a couple of strips of lime rind). I now find G&T almost too perfumed.

Try it, you might like it...as may Miss Bitey

Geo. said...

During feline social seasons I have lain awake and listened to the awful things romantic cats call each other. No wonder Liza drinks.

Joanne Noragon said...

We all know what he was jailed for, but we didn't know he's Liza's ex. Or did we know he's the ex but not what. Oh heck. Nikki. Gor tin and monics.

Cheryl said...

Pearl, do you ever feel pressured to entertain all your readers? Following your sense of humor is addicting.

Gigi said...

Oh, this is gonna be good! Let me pull up a chair and get a glass of wine.

jenny_o said...

Liza Bean seems to be in such a good mood, though - maybe Fuzzwald's release is a GOOD thing ...

No, that seems unlikely, doesn't it.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Fuzzywald! I knew she wasn't done with him as she could never resist his whiskers.

HermanTurnip said...

Heavy tippers, you say? I would have thought the opposite, but I guess I'm just hanging out with the wrong feline crowd.

sage said...

Tattoo legs and mini-skirts, a great description, but some descriptions I can do without ;)

Mitchell is Moving said...

I've been to Psycho Suzi's! And I even blogged about it! I'm sure it's an even better experience with Liza Bean as company... and a few gin & tonics.

Pat said...

We're in for the long haul. I can tell:)