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Monday, November 26, 2012

Part One: It’s Not Commonly Known, But Cats are Excellent Cooks


I awaken to the sound of the deadbolt being moved.

I am processing this thought when two, and then four paws, land on my pillow. 

“Pearl.  Pearl.”

I should’ve never given that cat a key. 

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a small-pawed purveyor of bootleg DVDs and one-time Olympic hopeful in the Feline Shot Put, stares down at me, green eyes shining. 

“I’m a-sleep,” I say.  It occurs to me that I should emphasize this.  “Asleep,” I insist.

“How novel,” she purrs.  She sits down, contemplates the claws of her right front paw.  “In bed at – what is this? 2:00 a.m.?”  She looks up, laughs, a disturbing show of gleaming teeth.   “How does one find oneself in bed at such an hour? Did you lose a bet?”

I sit up, rub my eyes.  “Why are you here?”

She glances toward the kitchen.  “Do you have any gin?”

I sigh.  “I do not.”  I put an index finger on her tiny pink nose and she pushes against it, drives my finger along her whiskered cheek.

There is momentary silence.

“Well,” she says, standing.  “I suppose I should run.”

I smile.  “You woke me up to ask me if I had any gin?”

“No,” she says, grinning.  “I woke you up simply to wake you up.”

I blink heavily.  “How cat-like of you.”

She waves a dismissive paw in my direction.  “Oh, you,” she says mildly.

I remember something.  “Hey,” I say, “how did Thanksgiving go?  Weren’t you having some cats over?”

She stops at the door.  “As a matter of fact I did,” she muses.  “We should get together and talk about it.  Some interesting business opportunities arose.”

“Hmmm,” I say, frowning. 

“And of course the dinner was delicious.”

Turkey?”

“Turrabbster.”

“Tur –“

“Like turducken,” she says, opening the front door.  A cold blast of air screams in from the third-floor porch and swirls above my head.  “You know – a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey?”

I blink.  I am not at my cleverest at 2:05 a.m.  “So turrabbster is…”

“A hamster stuffed inside a rabbit inside a turkey.”

“Mmmm,” I say.

“I’ll give you a call,” she says.  “We’ll go out.”

I lie down, pull the covers up to my nose as the front door closes, locks.

It’s been a long time since I had a drink with the cat.  

25 comments:

Shelly said...

With the price of fresh hamster these days, that was a luxury meal.

vanilla said...

Try to get the key back.

sage said...

Many more early morning encounters like that and I'll be googling "cat stew"

Pearl said...

Shelly, the cheeks especially are a delicacy. :-)

vanilla, I really should...

sage, I shall alert the kitties. :-)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

NEVER give a cat your key.

fishducky said...

Has Ms. Bitey written a book? I, for one, would LOVE to read it!!

Eva Gallant said...

The hours that cat keeps! Any sane person is sleeping at 2:00 a.m.!

Susan Kane said...

Do you have to skin the hamster before cooking it? So many questions about that. I'd get a combination padlock if I were you.

Joanne Noragon said...

Apparently she did not come back at 4 am. Smart cat.

Geo. said...

I have always suspected the first turducken resulted from a rare high-velocity barnyard collision. Turrabbster suggests something far more complex.

Bob Bushell said...

Great for some, but not for a vegetarian, sorry.

Bodacious Boomer said...

And that is why I have dogs. They'd never be so inconsiderate as to awaken me for just some gin. Perhaps for a kohlace, but never just for booze.

River said...

Turducken, Turabbster, there's a lot of stuffing going on over there.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

". . . a small-pawed purveyor of bootleg DVDs"
Ah. She's a cat after my own wallet.

Pearl said...

The cat has not written a book -- although I do wonder what she's typing, sometimes... Anyway, the Second Book of Pearl: The Cats is in production, and should be ready in time for Christmas gift-giving. :-)

Stephen Hayes said...

You can drink all you want with a cat, but they never pick up the bar tab. Never!

Pearl said...

Stephen, too true! She does tip well, though...

Gigi said...

Oh Liza, how I adore her. But if she woke me up at 2:00 am for gin, I might not adore her as much as before.

jenny_o said...

Why is it that when I thought "lobster" for the final ingredient it sounded okay, but when I read "hamster" it didn't?

I knew a hamster, once upon a time, and he was much too cute to be relegated to the inside of the combo. But also too small to be on the outside, obviously.

Now I'll be awake at 2 a.m. pondering that ...

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Yeah, I have had early mornings like that. Those cats can be a cruel lot.

Lin said...

Why must they always want to talk at some ridiculous hour? And why does the discussion have to be ON our chests?? I swear I'm gonna get even someday...

HermanTurnip said...

"Turrabbster"

A quick search shows that this term has yet to be trademarked.

Rose L said...

Pearl, I know this really good psychiatrist who can help you work out this fixation on cats who talk, cook, drive cars, etc. I am sure he could help you.

OldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL.....Delightful! What a darling FUN Cat! I wish she would come by and visit me...!

Kana said...

I thought the "-ster" was going to be lobster. That would be about Ms. Bitey's taste/price range...