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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The Cat’s Running for President. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?


Psssst.”

I rise, reluctantly, through the dream that has me winning the lottery despite having never actually purchased a ticket, through the disappointing realization that there is no applause.  I surface in time to hear “pssssst” again and wonder if something in the apartment has sprung a leak.

“Huh?”

I’m verbal like that.

A small paw plants itself on my chin.  “Pearl.  Pssst.  You awake?”

I open my eyes.

Dagnabit, I should’ve never given that cat a key.

“Pearl.”  Liza Bean has ensconced herself on my upper chest and now peers down at me intently. 

What?” I spit out irritably. Sleep is a precious, precious commodity in my life.  "What do you want?"

“Do you have any Fresca?”

Forehead wrinkling mightily, I am reaching for the decorative pillow I have plans to beat her with when it occurs to me that she's playing with me.

Dang cat.

"Oh, Pearl, Pearl," she sighs, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes, "you slay me.  You really do."

"Oh, shuddup," I say.

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a small-pawed desecrator of mice and three-time winner of the International Gerbil Dangle and Yo-Yo Invitational, arranges her tiny feet just so, a picture of kitty cuteness.

I prop myself up on one elbow and stare.

“You invited me,” she says.

“I texted you two days ago saying that we needed to talk.  You choose now to show up?”

The cat sits up, spreads her front legs in an expression of magician-assistant scrollery:  Ta-Da!

“Whatever,” I say, sitting up and reaching for my glasses.  “I was just thinking, wondering if your running for president is such a good idea.  They’re going to look at your past, you know. “

Liza Bean Bitey, the cat who once threw the Want Ad section at a bum only to return an hour later with a six-pack, shrugs delicately.  “There are any number of miscreants both running for and sitting in political offices already,” she purrs.  “What’s one more?”

“The American public is a fickle and somewhat puritanical group,” I warn her.  “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

Liza Bean chuckles.  “We have potential felons, tax evaders, insider traders, people accused of murder and people accused of harboring Communist sympathies...”

She extends a back leg out in front of her, spreads her little toes contemplatively.  “Pearl, you know I don’t have any sympathies.”

I grimace, a sorry mixture of thin-lipped acceptance and a smile.  “I know,” I say.  “I just worry about you.”

And Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, laughs aloud.  “Oh, my dear, what could possibly go wrong?”



Anyone purchasing a copy of my book "I Was Raised to be A Lert" until the election will receive a Liza Bean Bitey postcard...  Add the word "Vote" to your order and receive $2 off!  Books are available to the right -- choose number of copies and click on PayPal".  Prefer not to use PayPal?  Contact me via e-mail and we'll work something out.

38 comments:

Sausage said...

Fickle and puritanical is right, heaven forbid if a boob or two slips out then armagedon ensues but extreme violence in okey dokey.
I am on the side of the boobs falling out...vote for us
Boobs..Boobs..Boobs.
This message was approved by men everwhere!

Pearl said...

Sausage, one shudders at the thought of what kind of wardrobe malfunction the kitty could rig...

Shelly said...

I remember when Warren Harding won the presidency with a past more checkered than a NASCAR flag. I'm sure Liza Bean will sail through with nary a second look at her past.

Just to be on the safe side, though, sweep the mouse population. Do what you must to win their silence...

Shelly said...

I should clarify- I don't actually remember Warren Harding's election, but I do remember reading about it...

Pearl said...

Shelly, so you don't actually REMEMBER the Harding election?! You pup -- errr, kitten. OH, the elections I remember: Tippecanoe and Tyler too, we shouted...

Shelly said...

Herbert Hoover was the last one I actively campaigned for. I swore off politics after that one. Moonshiners took out a contract on me. Warn Liza to watch her back.

savannah said...

perhaps, it might be better to start on the local level, sugarpie? but if not, my vote is her! xoxoxox

vanilla said...

I was just about to express my stunned bewilderment at Shelly's recall of the Harding election when her "clarification" appeared. I am so relieved.

Go! Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys!

white rabbit said...

I'd like to see the cat's birth certificate. Plus I've heard it's a Muslim.

Susan Williams said...

The cat has NO sympathies.

I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!

Still...I don't trust any politicians...how much worse is it to vote for an untrustworthy, unsympathetic cat?

I mean, really?

Pearl said...

Liza promised no hope of her changing.

I can live with that.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Gerbil Dangle and Yo-Yo Invitational? I am amused. :) And a little frightened.
And I'm already a proud owner of "A Let." A book I purchased that my husband actually picked up, read part of - and smiled.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Or "A Lert." If one can spell, that is. (In my defense, it is not a real word)
:)

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mitchell is Moving said...

You need to tell Liza Bean that she can't possibly win. (Can she?) And a vote for her is one less vote for the better of the other two. I have a strong preference, but won't get into politics here (except to say that it's definitely not Mitt).

Joanne Noragon said...

Does she intend to drop a live rat in the middle of the debats.

fishducky said...

After a careful & thorough study of the other candidates, there is NO WAY Liza Bean could lose my vote!!

bill lisleman said...

When do they hold the "International Gerbil Dangle and Yo-Yo Invitational" ? It sure would be blast to see.
Oh there's no chance she will get the mouse vote. Dogs? maybe a few.

Geo. said...

I hope Liza runs against another cat. You ever hear cats debate? Call each other awful things. Exciting!

Kevin Musgrove said...

It'll be good to put the cat flap on Air Force One back into use. I think it was last used by Calvin Coolidge's gag writer.

Kevin Musgrove said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I've already got the book girl...but, I tell ya, if I was an American I would most definitely vote for the symetrically striped cat with the curvaceous claws. AND I'd buy her an extra large gin and tonic with extra limes for sure.
Buy the book folks....it's a great read.

Eva Gallant said...

The question is, does Liza Bean Bitey have a birth certificate? You know the Republicans can be real sticklers about that!

Kana said...

In a time of almost irreconciliable political separatism, I think we might need a good solid dictator abusing the $#!t out of our civil liberties to reset this nation, an overthrow to remind us - hey, at least we're all one species. Carnivore for Prez! Omnivores unite!

Stephen Hayes said...

You understand the feline psyche so well I wonder if you spit up hair balls.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! Dammit, I thought I'd commented already! Perhaps Liza deleted it? Hmmm. I'll have to write up the minutes of one of our public meetings sometime; what a night! Indigo x

George Turnbull said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
George Turnbull said...

Posted on behalf of Blossom Symssis (of the knocked-up Tabby next-door Symssis's) who is too lazy to type it herself.

I don't pretend to understand American politics but I feel confident in saying that any political system that would allow a Mitt to run for office would gladly embrace the idea of a moggy sitting in the Oval Office!

I, for one, would gladly place my cross next to the name of any candidate who advocates a 'free tuna fish for all' policy ... were I allowed to vote that is.

Gigi said...

The Yo-Yo Invitational, huh? I'm afraid that might get mis-interpreted as "flip-flopping."

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

If she is anything like my cats she'll do great in a debate. But also hate being dressed up in tiny fancy human clothes.

Ian Lidster said...

I'd vote for LBB but I'm not American so it wouldn't count. Sorry. Sorry to be so long in getting here but since my return from the cruise WP has been screwing me around. Missed you.

sage said...

A cat without sympathy, imagine that. But I"ll vote for her and I need to get your book.

jenny_o said...

People, get Pearl's book! It's a steal at twice the price. Pure Pearl, every page.

Topic at hand - the election. As a Canucky sort of Canadian, I never thought I'd wish I could vote in the US but it's come to that, this election year. Especially with Liza Bean in the mix, thumbing her nose at fate with that last line there. More excitement than a bag of skunks!

The Elephant's Child said...

Why would a deity want to become President? A step down for her. A large step.

Rose L said...

I think LBB would be a fine Prez! A Pussy President.

River said...

I already have the book, but I'll vote for Liza Bean. Where do I sign?

Lisa Golden said...

The Pussies for Peace are gearing up to help Liza win her campaign although I'm afraid the slogans they were brainstorming were more than a little tuna-for-everyone-centric.

Antares Cryptos said...

What's her platform?