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Monday, September 24, 2012

See Liza Bean Run. Run, Liza Bean, Run.


“Pearl.”

Hmmmm?

More insistently:  “Pearl.

I awake as if swimming to the surface of a vat of warm syrup and cleverly perceive a cat on my chest.

“Liza Bean?”

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a small pawed stealer of laps, a feline with a conviction for loitering in 40 of 50 states, a cat who once got arrested at Mardi Gras for jumping on a float (her man MCA has a beard like a billy goat), peers down at me with eyes that glitter like newly discovered secrets.

“I’m going to do it,” she says.

I stare up at her, blink slowly and deliberately.  “Do what?”

“Run.”

I roll over, knocking the cat off me in the process.  “Good,” I say, pushing my face into a pillow, “why don’t you just run over to the alarm clock and make note of what time it is.”

“Oh, Pearl,” she chuckles.  “A moment of great import concerning the presidential election has arrived and you want to write it down, don’t you?”

A strange feeling creeps over my limbs.  I flip over, sit up.  “Presidential election?”

The cat grins wickedly, a flash of gleaming, pointy teeth.  “Look at you,” she says, “catching on so quickly.”  She casually twists back and licks a shoulder blade.  “I think the public is ready for a feline candidate, don’t you?” 

“What makes you think that?”

She stares at me.  “You’ve seen the other candidates, have you not?”

“Well, you have me there,” I say, smiling in spite of myself.  “So do you have a platform?”

“Oh,” she says, “it’s far too early for that.  I’m thinking we need a fundraiser first, don’t you?  A dinner, perhaps, or a concert or two?”


file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/All%20Users/Documents/My%20Music/The%20Bitey%20Squeakers%20Ticket%20(TM)%20Postcard%201%20from%20Zazzle.com.htm

She laughs, the sound of champagne being poured over ice.  “How delightfully campy,” she says.  She shakes her head.  “Postcards.”

“Well, it’s grassroots, isn’t it?” 

Liza adjusts herself so as to lick her back leg.

“What about a running mate?” I say.

“Hmmm,” she says, between licks.  “This is the truly delightful part.  I’m going to ask Dolly Gee.”

I did not see this coming.  “You hardly even like her!”

“Dolly Gee Squeakers –“

“—formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers –“

“—is Every Cat.  She’s pure of heart, she’s undeniably attractive, and she hasn’t a thought in her head.  She’s perfect.”

I watch as Liza Bean flops onto one side, starts to lick her belly.

I finally laugh.   “Genius,” I say.  “Does Dolly know about this?”

Silence.

“Liza?”

But Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, now consumed with her grooming, is done talking.



This storyline dedicated to Indigo Roth, an enormously amusing and supportive friend who has graciously created the artwork.  

56 comments:

Shelly said...

I'm thinking this is going to pick up steam and roll bigger than a constipated tumbleweed.

Count me in-

Pearl said...

Shelly, :-) That's quite the visual!

Leenie said...

I would vote for her! If she could keep her biting sense of humor, her wicked cleverness and her astute observations alive through a campaign she would be a much better representative of my opinions than any candidate I've seen in a long time.

Leenie said...

p.s. love the poster

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! Finally, some decent opposition! Actually, I'm a bit concerned that this pairing may be too much for me and Max, but by jingo our creaking platform will give them a run for their money! Roth

Bossy Betty said...

I am Bonkers for Bitey!!! I also like how his political advisor shuts up and grooms herself when appropriate.

Bossy Betty said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pearl said...

Leenie, this is exactly what I'm thinking!

Indigo, Liza has asked if she could catch a ride with you to the next debate? If you'll just swing by...

Betty, Bonker for Bitey! :-)

vanilla said...

...she hasn't a thought in her head. She's perfect.

Indeed the ideal VP candidate.

esbboston said...

If I were a cat running for high office I think I would choose a puppy as a running mate, its just so logical, appealing to a greater mass of non-humanity and humanity.

Pearl said...

vanilla, and she knows how to spell "potatoe". :-)

esb, it would be greater appeal, yes, but then how will Dolly get to travel and attempt to get a souvenir ashtray from all 50 states? :-)

Indigo Roth said...

For sure. Am I taking minutes, or are you?

CarrieBoo said...

Brilliant; the post and the poster! It's high time Liza Bean got involved in politics.

Douglas said...

I think she should just execute a coup.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I'd vote for her. Any chance of her becoming Canadian? We could use a good candidate. Pearl...I'm in need of more cat stories...when is that book coming out?

Pearl said...

Indigo, Liza says that accurate reporting of the meetings just clouds the issue. She says bring a cooler.

CarrieBoo, :-) Change is afoot. Wait. Apaw. :-)

Douglas, she considered that, but there aren't as many parties involved in a coup. And she's all about the parties. (Bring limes.)

Delores, Liza Bean has considered becoming Canadian many times, and honestly, I'm not so sure that she ISN'T. :-)
I have a book I'm working on, but it's so hard to write new material that I don't want to immediately post here. :-) What if I elaborated on existing stories and published them? Would that be bad?

esbboston said...

Answer to The Dolly Question: After winning the election Dolly wiLL be raised to the position of Secretary of State, and then get to collect ashtrays from aLL over the world. Most of them would be eXquisite gifts as weLL, rather than stolen from hotel rooms and diners. I am thinking there wiLL need to be an Ashtray Room in the presidential museum as weLL, and a few stolen ashtrays would be okay too.

esbboston said...

Shelly: Being likewise from Texas I can not imagine what a -snort giggle- constipated tumbleweed would be. What on earth are they growing in your part of the state?!?!?

Pearl said...

esb, may your predictions come true!!

Joanne Noragon said...

But can we trust her with that kind of lime purchasing power?

Mitchell is Moving said...

I was going to of course vote for Liza Bean Bitey... until I read that comment about the constipated tumbleweed. Now, I'm not so sure. The campaign is going to have to some damage control.

Suldog said...

If the candidacy ever becomes official, I'll gladly put a sign on my lawn.

bill lisleman said...

"hasn't a thought in her head" - This qualification does appeal to many but would get the media a tough time. Now what scandal will be tied to Liza Bean Bitey?

Pearl said...

Joanne, that or any other power,I suspect!

Mitchell, so far, it's all catnip and cream!

Suldog, Oh, I wish. :-) Lawn signs would be hilarious.

bill, scandal? :-) What scandal?! *whistles softly*

Susan Williams said...

I always knew that cat was up to no good, and this confirms it officially, yes?

POLITICS!!!!!!!

If I'd really put my thinking cap on, I might have predicted this.

Cigars made from catnip, and Tom Cats for interns.
Don't tell me there's not trouble in the works!

steve-bailey said...

I would vote for a cat absolutely.... Actually right about now I would welcome the opportunity! I can get behind a platform of more naps in the sunshine and free catnip for everyone!

Pearl said...

steve, pools of warm, sunny spots for everyone!

NotesFromAbroad said...

There are days that I read the news and think a cat or even a dog ( shhh , don't tell Liza Bean!) would make a better politician.
I think they left out lying when they made cats and dogs.

fishducky said...

I've seen the other candidates--Liza Bean has my vote!!

Buttons said...

First off what election? Oh yeah I am Canadian and we pay no mind to you:) (I am kidding, hate mail please) Kidding.
I love the art poster and I love Leenie's comment. I would think the world needs a new direction indeed. B

Pearl said...

ABroad, Kitties for Kongress!!

fishducky, so we can count on your support? :-)

Buttons, oh, you Canadians and your kidding!! :-) You might not be able to vote for her, but she still appreciates your support.

joeh said...

I don't want to be a wet blanket, but how old is Lisa Bean in cat years?

THe President must be 35 or older!

Otherwise i'm with fishducky

joeh said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
joeh said...

I don't want to be a wet blanket, but how old is Lisa Bean in cat years?

THe President must be 35 or older!

Otherwise i'm with fishducky

Jacquelineand.... said...

She has my vote!

Now to come up with a lawn sign....

Antares Cryptos said...

I think this might actually get my lazy and indifferent cats to start voting.

Richard said...

Could be a slog, back in 2002 Potus the hamster couldn't even beat George Bush

Potus

Gigi said...

I'm totally in! Liza Bean could get more done in one day - with a paw tied behind her back - than either of these guys could in a four year term.

Jayne Martin said...

Bitey/Squeakers '12! Makes as much sense as anything else on the political scene these days.

You and Roth make a good team.

R. Jacob said...

Rumor has it she was invited to be on Fox news and turned it down. On that alone, she has my vote!

Lin said...

I love it! Especially the cocktail on the poster. They are shoo-ins!!

The Elephant's Child said...

She/they could run over here as well. Steps along the path to World Domination...

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Has she been on catnip lately? She'll have to abstain for a few weeks, but If she stays clean and all those somewhat racy videos of her go missing, I might be able to get her on a ballot in Chicago. I know people who know people (if you know what I mean).

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Pearlie, like a told ya on FB, a CHANGE is a-foot. Or (wait for it . . . wait for it . . . ) A-PAW.
*knee-slap!*
Great artwork, Indigo!!

Sioux said...

And just think...if POTUS was a cat, they would only need one room for work and to live in. The rest of the White House could be rented out. Perhaps to some of Liza Bean's friends?

Martha said...

Love it! Thanks for visiting Linderhof! Our DD lives in Minneapolis so we've been there often to visit. Love the town!

HermanTurnip said...

"Bitey Squeakers: A Martini For Every House." Now that's a campaign slogan I could get behind.

jenny_o said...

Hmm...surely when Dolly Gee finds out, it will be posted here, yes?

Awesome campaign poster :)

Rose L said...

I am waiting to hear the slogan (and let it NOT be cats rule, dogs drool). But I LOVE cats and will cast my vote for Liza Bean. Oh, here's one---PURRFECT FOR PURRESIDENT!

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

She'd probably get a lot of votes! (But we could really use some help in Congress... think she might be willing to tackle the problems there first?)

Simply Suthern said...

Ya know, The media will be digging around your place now looking for some dirt. And her Eastern Bloc ties??? I'm just say'in.

Pat Tillett said...

She's a shrewd one, that's for sure! I'm pretty sure these cards might start showing up on blogs everywhere...

Paula Wooters said...

I'd love to support Liza Bean but I already bought my RothTunguska 2012 tee shirt. If only I'd known sooner!

Jocelyn said...

Dolly Gee = The Ultimate Biden.

This pairing might actually get me to the polls.

Eva Gallant said...

That was incredibly entertaining! thanks for the laughs! Love Liza Bean and Dolly Gee! I think they make the PURRfect pair for the ballot!

WrathofDawn said...

Yeah, she's got my vote.