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Friday, October 12, 2012

Happy Birthday, Liza Bean Bitey; or So No Dessert Then?


Yesterday was Liza Bean Bitey’s birthday. My son has sent me several texts this morning abusing me for knowing such a thing, but how could I have not? Facebook was all abuzz about it.

And so we went out, Liza Bean and I, for sushi. You know, you get a couple of glasses of sake in her, and that cat is hilarious!

Of course, there’s a fine line between enough sake and too much, but before the fist fight, we had a great time.

If you don’t have thumbs, is it still considered a “fist”?

We over-ordered, naturally. We both adore sushi, and it had been so long, with the scariness of the stock markets, the upcoming election, but how often does a kitty turn seven?

Exactly.

What a great evening. By tacit agreement, no mention was made of the late-night calls from Kuala Lumpur or of the strange notebook (all in French, for some reason) I found hidden in the basement. If Liza is a spy or a smuggler of some sort, we both felt it prudent to pretend to forget, if only for the evening. Why ruin a good time?

Liza can’t hold her sake. Oh, she thinks she can, but she started to slur her words half-way through the first bottle and in short order had her head in her paws, bemoaning the state of airline security.

“Take off your shoes,” she mutters. “Yeah, right.” She fixes her bright green eyes on me. “Do I look like I’m wearin’ shoes to you?”

She shakes her head in disgust and the bell on her dress collar – the one with the pink faux-diamonds on it – jingles merrily.

It is at this time that the man at the next table determines that our conversation, such as it was, is his business.

“Hey,” he says to Liza Bean, leaning into the space between the tables. “If you don’t like it, why don’t you go back to where you came from?”

“What?” Liza says, focusing on him. “What did you just say?”

The man pauses. Hadn’t the cat seemed to have an accent just moments ago? He decides to plow forward.

“You heard me,” he says. “If you don’t like it, you should go back to where you came from.”

Liza sits up on her back legs, placing both paws on the table in front of her. The end of her tail twitches dangerously.

“Back to where I came from?” she purrs. “You want me to go back to the farm, is that it? Maybe you” – and here she jabs the gracefully curved claw of her right paw toward the man – “want to go back to the farm, too?”

And with that, she leaps.

What ensued was a melee of yowling and shouting, the sound of breaking glass and overturned chairs as restaurant patrons scrambled out of the way of the belligerent man with a drunken, hissing cat clinging to his shoulders, clawing at his head.

I stood, picked up my purse, and downed the last of the sake.

The police were called, of course; and I was forced to use the money I’d been saving for a flat-screen TV to bail her out. It was, after all, her birthday.

I can’t say that I blame her, but there’s another restaurant we can’t go to anymore.

Oh, well. Happy Birthday, Liza Bean Bitey.

35 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Can't take that cat any where nice lol.

Pearl said...

Delores, :-)

vanilla said...

Flat screen TV? Nevermind; there's nothing on TV anyway. But a night out with that Cat, now that's entertainment!

SherilinR said...

you have quite the vivid imagination, pearl!
your kitty girl is lucky to have you to rescue her from her inevitable shenanigans.

fmcgmccllc said...

love love love pink faux-diamonds.

Pat said...

Happy Birthdayt Liza.
She never lets you down.
Oh wait!

esbboston said...

Q: How often does a cat turn seven?
A: 9 - if it uses aLL it's lives

So this means at least 8 more sushi celebrations.

Eva Gallant said...

You can take the cat out of the farm, but you just can't take the farm out of the cat!

Buttons said...

Happy Birthday Liza Bean you lucky dog whoops cat:) B

BamaTrav said...

You can't trust a drunk female in public but since you got her drunk I hope at least she gave you a little kitty when you got her out.

Hannah Denski said...

And that'll a be a b'day to be remembered! Happy belated b'day to Liza Bean! Hx

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

That Liza Bean, she sure knows how to shake up a party. Never a dull moment when she's around.

George Turnbull said...

Happy Birthday (belated) LBB!

If you are ever in the neighbourhood, we have some great pub punch-ups around here.

I'm sure you'll fit in well, as long as you don't mind slumming it with the Heinz 57 variety of pussy we have around here.

Geo. said...

"back to the farm" --wonderful fighting words!

Jacquelineand.... said...

Just imagine if he'd called her Lisa...

Douglas said...

I try to avoid drunken cats. I end up with a lot of scratches which are hard to explain to Faye.

"but how often does a kitty turn seven?"

I'd say... 9 times.

Meeling said...

Oh my...maybe next year you better go for pizza - anchovies aren't quite sushi, but it might be safer than showing your faces there again. ;-)

Barbara Blundell said...

Hi Liza (may I address you as such or should I say MS Bean or even Ma'am -to rhyme with jam -in view of your advancing years I would hate to be disrespectful )
Glad to hear you had a riotous party think you were just scratching the seven year itch .0ne must make allowances . Many happy returns of the day
An admirer

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! I have this problem with 'Difficult/Max. The good news is, if we want to go back, we can go the previous week. Mad Skillz, natch. Roth x

The Elephant's Child said...

Liza Bean rules. Or should rule. I love that you took her out for sushi, knowing before time that it wasn't likely to end well.
I cannot imagine a cat with a hangover though. Not pretty I suspect.

Terri Buster said...

Poor cat! You might should stay away from the sushi bar next time.

Daisy said...

What good is a birthday party if it doesn't get a little raucus, especially when one must defend oneself against obnoxious men.

Linda said...

Liza Bean is certainly an entertaining companion!

Kana said...

I was conceived thanks to sake, and my mom not knowing she couldn't take it! Happy memories...doesn't sound like there's going to be any kittens out of this night's work, though; more like a black eye and a restraining order. Good work Liza Bean!

Joanne Noragon said...

Ah, to be seven again. I could take out the man at the next table, back then. If, of course, he was rude.

Stephen Hayes said...

I blame you! Everyone knows that talking cats can't hold their sake. What were you thinking? Liza talked you into it, right?

Craver Vii said...

ESBBoston and Douglas beat me to it, but the average life expectancy of a female cat is 12 to 15 years, and of course, they have 9 lives, right? So assuming that they live on the longer side of life expectancy, and do not meet an untimely demise, Liza Bean Bitey will hopefully turn 7 all 9 times. Wow, I just realized that a mature kitty nearing the fulfillment of her 9th life could have once been a contemporary of Wagner, Tchaikovsky, Edison...

Lo said...

Loved this blog.
I am glad you continue to do right by Liza Bean Bitey. Please wish her a happy belated BD from Me.

Leenie said...

You're NEVER gonna get that flat screen tv.

Ms Sparrow said...

I'm glad you two had such a grand time!

jenny_o said...

You mean Liza does NOT wear shoes? My forehead is becoming all wrinkled in puzzlement at that revelation. I'd always pictured her in red stilettos.

River said...

Happy Birthday Liza Bean Bitey!

How many restaurants do you have left that you can go to? You may have to start getting sushi delivered.

Rose L said...

You DO know it is all fiction...right???? Love the creative stories. LOL

Diane said...

It wasn't easy, but I've managed to quash all mention of Liza Bean's dining gaffs (or daffs, as we like to call them) in local news. Y'all are welcome to come to ANY restaurant in Edmonton! Come on up. the field is wide . . .

Roshni said...

atta-cat!! That's what I would say!!