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Saturday, September 29, 2012

I Sense It Wouldn't Have Been a Good Fit

I arrive on time, but Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is already at the table.

The glass in front of her is empty, the umbrella that was once in it now tucked behind one perky little ear.

I sit down. “What, you’re one up on me already?”

She holds a paw up, two claws extended.

“Two? That’s your second drink?"  I glance at my watch.  "I thought we were meeting at 7:00?”

“We are meeting at 7:00,” she says.

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), a small-pawed, symmetrically striped catcher of mice, a delightfully purring example of nature’s having wrapped power in a fuzzy-wuzzy package, is feeling feisty.

She holds up her paw. A waitress appears immediately.

Cats are notoriously generous tippers.

“I’ll take another,” Liza Bean purrs. “How about you? The usual?”

“Gin and tonic,” I say to the waitress. “Extra limes, if you don’t mind.”

Liza Bean turns her green and slightly-unfocused eyes on me. “I shoulda never been honest in the interview.”

“Oh, no,” I say, mentally removing the tuna steaks from the grocery list. “What happened?”

She shrugs, decides she’s already said too much and turns quickly to lick a shoulder blade.

“Come on,” I nudge. “You asked me here. Obviously you want to talk about it.”

And suddenly I see.

“Oh, no,” I say, eyes widening. “You weren’t catty, weren’t you?”

Liza Bean stares at me over her raised glass and almost imperceptibly lowers her eyelids. She smiles, then closes her eyes. “It was inevitable.” She opens her eyes, sips her drink. “It started poorly,” she says, gazing out the window. “She opened the door to her office and called me in with a “Liza Bean Bitey? Here, kitty kitty kitty! I mean, really: Here, kitty kitty kitty?

“Seems unprofessional, doesn’t it?”

Liza Bean chuckles. “Pearl, she had lipstick on her teeth!”

“The horrors,” I say, smiling.

“She—“ and here the cat snickers slightly, “She asked me if I minded if she ate her lunch while we talked, and when I said no, she pulled a Lunchable from her purse.”

Liza Bean’s third drink is placed on the table.

“No!”

“Yes!” She slips the waitress a dollar bill. “And worst of all?”

“It gets worse than a Lunchable?”

“She suggested that while they had just extended an offer to another candidate, they would like to offer the position of receptionist to me.” The cat sips her drink delicately. “As a way of getting my paw, so to speak, in the door.”

“Receptionist?! Did she not have your resume in front of her?”

She raises her eyebrows. “This was, as you can imagine, unacceptable to me; and I told her, in so many words, on my way out the door.” Liza Bean takes another sip of her drink and sighs in a somewhat exaggerated display of boredom. “Frankly, the smell of those tiny bologna bits in that lunch of hers was giving me a headache.”

I watch a group of people head for the smoking patio and the phrase “Hey, do you think I could bum a…” forms in my brain. I swallow half my drink. “In so many words, you say. And what words would those be?”

“Oh, you know,” she says, smiling. “Something about starving first, perhaps a comment or two on her wardrobe specific to the ill-fitting jacket she was wearing, blah, blah, blah. Who can remember?”

"Oh, Liza," I say, laughing.  "You are so very snobbish sometimes."

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) smiles by way of acknowledgement, tiny, pointed teeth gleaming in the golden glow of the setting sun.

Looking around the room, she locates the waitress, raises one paw, turns to me. “You ready for one more? And then we really need to get going.”

17 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Maybe Liza Bean could break in the new Fi. You know, get her trained in to bring those tuna steaks to work.

Buttons said...

Oh Liza Bean I hope your hangover is now gone.B

Joanne Noragon said...

Liza will land the job of her many long dreams. I believe she's pleased you didn't join the patio group. Winter's coming, too. Too cold to be smoking outdoors.

Jacquelineand.... said...

With all her campaigning to do how could Liza handle a new job as well? Methinks she made the right decision, after all....lunchable!

Indigo Roth said...

Keeping up with a lush kitty? Inadvisable. Still, I think it would have been a bad fit. No class; Liza can do better.

Paula Wooters said...

The next round's on me, Liza Bean!

vanilla said...

So, on two drinks you are leaving the bar with a cat that has had four?

Eva Gallant said...

I hope you drove home!

jenny_o said...

Ah, but she knows you would never let her starve anyway!

It ain't easy being furry. People make assumptions. Even when your resume is right there in front of their lunchables.

esbboston said...

Sorrow, I'll probably neVer learn why the tuna steaks were removed, mental sigh. ActuaLLy I prefer salmon, with BBQ sauce. It has been wAy too long since I have had rainbow trout, so now I have a quest.

savannah said...

you know, sugar, class is such an unappreciated word here! y'all are so right, it would have been a most undesirable fit!
xoxoxoxo

Geo. said...

Beautiful atmospheric construct! So cats still lick their own shoulder blades in bars? Haven't a human girl do that since disco days.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Being snobbish is sometimes required.

I'd never heard of the word "Lunchable" before, so thanks for the link. I'll know to avoid it/them in the future.

Stephen Hayes said...

Cats are notoriously generous tippers? I'd have thought the opposite. Their sense of entitlement would cause them to be dismissive of the labors of others.

Friko said...

Go Liza Bean, go show 'em what you're made of.

Rose L said...

I do not think Liza Bean will settle for anything less than Vice Prez of a company.

The Elephant's Child said...

Liza Bean puts the F into feline doesn't she? A charmer, albeit dangerous with it.