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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I've Heard Hiring is Looking Up

It's a tough economy out there, and nobody knows this more than Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).

You've been introduced, yes?

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is a small, symmetrically-striped puss, a cat I often find reaching a clever paw toward my dinner plate. At five pounds, Liza Bean is a bird/mouse/bug killer of the first water, the kind of cat that makes you think both "What a delightful kitty!" and "She gets much bigger than she is and we'll have to register her as a weapon...".

Liza Bean is one of those neat, tidy cats, a cat who remembers when cats were gods and has yet to come to terms with her fall in status.

And she's been on my computer lately.

I can always tell when she has by the water bowl near the keyboard, the catnip laid out in neat little lines.

It appears that the cat is looking for a job.

I must say, her resume is impressive.

I've cut-and-pasted it here for your pleasure:

Liza Bean Bitey
PO Box 114
Minneapolis MN 55413
Contact: whyioughta2@gmail.com

Summary of Qualifications:
  • Drove a taxi in college -- highly familiar with area roads.
  • Short order cook in the late 90s. Ask me about my Potatoes a la Schultz!
  • Unlicensed plumber from '04 to '05. Have been cleared of all charges.
  • Walk-on part of Cat #2 in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.
  • Tour with Gogol Bordello periodically. Cannot re-enter Bratislava but am free to move about the rest of Central Europe.
  • Positively motivated cat with an affinity for playful poses, chasing things straight up a wall, and tugging at your earrings in the middle of the night.
  • Experienced in pest removal (up to and including family members, unwanted guests, birds, mice, and those of the bug persuasion).
  • Excellent claw-eye coordination.
  • Dependable, flexible, and able to maintain a sense of humor under pressure.
Well!

It's about time she got a job.

35 comments:

Joshua said...

But does she do windows?

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Now THERE is a cat who's studied at the University of LIFE. :)

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Does she expect a salary or commission?

Deborah said...

Smiling, smiling ... I just LOVE the way you write! :o)

Simply Suthern said...

She left out her impressive computer skills, foreign languages and her past dabblings in underworld dealings.

Sausage Fingers said...

If she toured with Gogol Bordello then might I suggest a drug screen for any potential employers
Good luck wee kitty...

Pat said...

Are you going to give her references?
Honest references?

Oilfield Trash said...

If she can clean out a litter box and entertain kids I might be interested.

Belle said...

Pest Removal? Could she remove my husband? :)

Pearl said...

Joshua, I don't believe there are any cats that do windows; and frankly, I'm afraid to ask!

VA, :-) Exactly.

Green Girl, Liza Bean expects constant and continual monetary advances. I think it's why she's having a hard time finding a job. She is still young enough to believe she will be paid what she is worth...

Deborah, I'm glad. :-)

Simply, that is true! Perhaps she doesn't want to be hired at her true level of employment but is hoping to infiltrate in an unobtrusive manner as possible. She's sneaky that way.

Sausage Fingers, the kitteh has no idea what you are talking about. :-)

Pat, THAT, my dear, is a very good question.

OT, she is entertaining, and that's for sure. But her idea of cleaning the cat box is to scoop it all out onto the floor. Cats can be disgusting little creatures.

Belle, that deserves a "LOL". :-) LOL!

vanilla said...

Versatile cat, but it is a tough job market. Best of luck, Liza Bean.

Pearl said...

Vanilla, I like to think that Liza Bean's got what it takes. :-)

Glen said...

can she make coffee?

Eva Gallant said...

You have to admire that resume! There's a place out there somewhere that she's purrfect for, I'm sure! She's a great CATch.

Kristy said...

Hope she gets a job soon before she must turn to streetwalking and stripping.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I'm questioning "dependable." It is my experience while occasionally motivated, cats tend to be quite fickle. And would certainly be insulted by the whole punching in process.

But perhaps a job as an independent contractor would be more her style.

Kara said...

If my cat continues to wake me up at 4am, I may just have an opening. Is she willing to relocate?

jenny_o said...

Hilarious! Love it!

I notice she mentioned NOTHING about ability to use a can opener . . .

Tony Van Helsing said...

Sorry, the position is taken.

Douglas said...

What? Another liberal arts grad?

I believe there is an opening at the local cat house.

Boxer said...

My cat recently placed orders on Amazon for us.No joke. That one click ordering has a hair trigger. Now instead of being mad, I'm thinking of putting her to work too.

Kal said...

What the hell is it with Bratislava? Damn Interpol and that country's so called 'Intelligensia' had me banned also. You make one joke about their slaughter filled history and how you can't trust them with matches and they lose their nut. It smells like ass there anyways so I wouldn't go back if they invited me will an all expenses paid free tour.

Pearl said...

Glen, does she make coffee?! You’ll be awake for DAYS.

Eva, why I oughta… :-)

Kristy, it’s not the stripping I’m worried about it’s the return to jewel heists.

Mad woman, hmm. You have a good point there!

Kara, that’s kinda funny, because I actually have the same problem. What is it with cats and 4:00 a.m.?

Jenny O, she keeps that on the DL. :-)

Tony, story of her life!

Douglas, very funny, Douglas!

Boxer, I believe that.

Kal, you and Liza Bean are in wild agreement on this one. :-)

becca said...

brilliant as always

Gigi said...

Well ya know....we actually have an opening over here at the Good Ol' Boy Club that she might be a perfect fit for.....

Tracy said...

Oh good for Ms. LIza Bean Bitey...she seems very very talented indeed!

Andrew Green said...

I hear McDonald's is hiring 50,000 workers this month....
Just sayin'.

Mamma has spoken said...

Ah hiring out your kitty, think she can handle three mean dogs?

Bossy Betty said...

Hired.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

She is much more experienced and versatile than the general populace. I'm glad she was cleared of all charges.
You crack me up, Pearl. I love this!
xoRobyn

ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

I just walked in on my cat laying across my keyboard. She was watching my screensaver. I found it rather endearing. But I think it's time she found a job.

River said...

Now I'm highly curious! What did Liza Bean do to get banned from Bratislava?

IndigoWrath said...

It's rumoured that she's poised to accept the role of Felis Primus in the Northern USA Illuminati. I'm just saying.

the walking man said...

How is this cat at getting rid of nuisance neighbors. If she is good at it send her out on the next plane to DTW.

Pat Tillett said...

It sounds like many more than nine lives...