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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Funny -- She Didn't Look Like That Kind of Person, Did She?

I went out last night. Beers were consumed, stories told, things got late. What I'm trying to say is that the following is a re-post from well over a year ago, before everything changed. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have water to quaff...

If you’ve heard that I’ve smothered my husband in his sleep, do not rush to my defense.

There’s a chance it may be true.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t want to have to kill him. But he left me no choice. And look on the bright side!  Think of all the time prison will give me to write!

But I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I?

Why, I hear you ask, would a normally reasonable woman hold a pillow over her husband’s head until he ceased to struggle?

One word: Snoring.

I’ve been told that I, too, snore; and if you know me, you know that this is a damnable lie, perhaps perpetrated by mine enemies, people who will also tell you that I need help with crossword puzzles (not true) and cadge cigarettes when intoxicated (quite possibly true).

But snoring? Me?

Hey. This isn’t about me. This is about William Throckmorton the III, the man bent on destroying me through sleep deprivation.

Of course I have my coping mechanisms…

For example, my initial response to the snoring is a quick nudge or a vigorous shaking of the bed. I file this under the category of him possibly thinking, whilst asleep, that there might be an earthquake or a tornado happening, thus causing him to alter his breathing patterns.

This never works, but it’s always in my first round of defense.

Next comes the verbal jab. “Willie! Stop snoring! Roll onto your belly! Willie!!”

This usually works for a minute or two, as Willie’s unconscious mind registers a number of things: 1, that’s my name; 2, sounds like my wife, and 3, grblx zinkt offun garbin.

I don’t know what that last bit is, but it’s what he mutters just before he falls back asleep.

And resumes a vigorous snoring.

It is at this point that I become inventive.

“Willie! Did you see that letter from the IRS?”


“The letter from the IRS. Did you see it? The child support!”

Willie has no children, but he has stopped snoring. The room takes on an expectant air; and while still asleep, his breathing has taken on an even-keeled quality rarely found in his waking moments.

“I sent them an e-mail. Luckily, since we won the lottery this afternoon we’re going to just write them a check, okay?”

“Sphurbim. Bracken farva lottery shopping spree.”

“And remodel the bathroom, right?”

Willie loves this part. Our bathroom appears to have been originally modeled on the 70s sitcom “Good Times”, or perhaps “Maude”. Suffice it to say that the color once referred to as “Harvest Gold” figures prominently.

“Mmmm,” he says. “New tile.”

And that will take care of the snoring, usually for the rest of the night.

Good ol’ Willie. Long may he live.


R. Jacob said...

ah, to quaff a cold one with a pretty lass!

Pearl said...

R., :-)

Shelly said...

I am fortunate with my snorer that I am completely deaf in one ear. I roll over onto my good ear and hear nothing the rest of the night~

Pat said...

What gets me is the suffererers- that's you and me- are the ones made to feel guilty for disturbing them.
I'm away next week Pearl. Miss you:)

joeh said...

A steady snore can put you to sleep, the snoring change of pace will keep you up all night:

zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz - good

zzz zZZ ZZZ zzz Zzz ZZZ zzz - bad

Eva Gallant said...

My husband used to snore, loudly! Then he was diagnosed with sleep apnea. He now uses a CPAP (constant positive air pressure) machine and he sleeps all night and doesn't make a sound!

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they find a way to stop snoring.

And me, I have never, never snored. Maybe it was confused with my deep breathing. I know it was never an unladylike snore;I don't care what anyone has said.

Pat Tillett said...

Funny post Pearl!
I also snore, but so does my wife and everyone else in the family. Heck, we have a cat who snores!

fishducky said...

I can honestly say I have NEVER heard myself snore--so, obviously, I DON'T!!

Have Myelin? said...

there are some advantages in being completely deaf. =)

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

This tale sounds a wee bit familiar.

My Beloved also insists that I snore and to maintain this fiction, she even wears Industrial Strength earplugs to bed.

She has even persuaded my son to engage in this fantasy. His bedroom is at the other end of the house, but he still insists he can hear me snoring most nights.

Sometimes I wonder why they try to maintain this fiction.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! I've never been told I snore. Well, not by anyone reliable, anyway. Indigo x

Sextant said...

My wife and I, guilty as charged. We tried those strips you put on the outside of your nose. They work! Only thing is after three days neither of us had any skin left on our snouts.

Sextant said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kana said...

Oh gods, yes!

I have a William of my own, who likes to prove a tiny widdle nosey can make a great big racket. I am going to immediately commence a misinformation inundation the likes of which will make not only his snores but quite probably his testes recede back into his body.

The phrase "pregnancy test" will be a key feature.

Thanks for my new weapon in the cause for sleep!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I stuffed my snorer in another room and shut the door on him...I, on the other hand, NEVER snore.

Goldenoldenlady said...

If the snoring subsides, and is punctuated by periods of blissful silence that then lead into a frightful paroxysm of spluttering and gasping it may be sleep apnoea (or however it is you guys spell it over in the USA). This isn't really a joking matter. If there is any chance your beloved has this implore him/her to seek help and diagnosis, as untreated it shortens lives. OK, if your partner snores like a bastard, perhaps you may be thinking fewer years of it would be a good thing, but it's the snoring you want less of, eh? Not the person?

My husband has worn a CPAP for sleep apnoea for almost ten years now, and he is so much less likely to have a stroke, or a heart attack, as a result of this treatment than would have been the case had we, or more particulalry I, just put up with it or changed bedrooms.

Stephen Hayes said...

But poor Willie won't live long if you smother him to death, will he?

jenny_o said...

My snoring, which I readily admit to, is light and breezy and very, very ladylike. Certainly not like that chainsawing, skynxx-y sound I sometimes hear when I'm just waking up. No siree.

Gigi said...

I know EXACTLY why a normally reasonable woman would hold a pillow over her husband’s head until he ceased to struggle. And since I know, just remember, I'm happy to be your alibi.

Meeling said...

Have tried all but the lottery technique...maybe, just maybe I might get some sleep tonight!!

(And a new bathroom to boot!) ;-)

Rose L said...

So did you get tile samples the next day? You could then say, "but last night you told me to pick out new tile to remodel the bathroom."

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

It sounds so familiar, Pearl. Actually, after arguing about my husband's snoring for years -- and he countering that I snored a bit and held my breath a lot -- we both went to the doctor and had sleep studies. It turns out that we both had sleep apnea -- mine moderate, his severe -- and are now equipped with lovely, romantic C-PAP machines. I'm going to do a blog about it soon -- but sleep apnea can be a real health problem. If you're drowsy during the day, you might get it checked out. On the other hand, maybe now that everything has changed, you're at least getting a decent night's sleep.

River said...

While we were still married, hubby and I slept in separate rooms because of his snoring and his constant need to get up in the wee hours and go outside to smoke and think his paranoid thoughts.
I only snore if I have a heavy cold, so, almost never.

The Elephant's Child said...

I pull the bedclothes off him (while retaining my share). This causes the defensive roll, grab and lie on the tummy manoevre. Which eliminates snoring.

Roshni AaMom said...

Hi! I liked this post so much, I featured it! Check it out: http://momofbigalittlea.blogspot.com/2012/09/what-ive-been-reading-this-week.html

Roshni AaMom said...

Hi Pearl, just wanted to let you know that I featured this post in the best of my weekly reading series for 2012: http://www.bigaandlittlea.com/2012/12/the-best-of-the-weekly-reading-series.html