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Thursday, July 19, 2012

Wherein Our Days with Female Intern are Numbered; or, There’s Still Time to Gently Guide Her…


Female Intern , AKA “Fi”, the delightfully grinning, straight-spined office kitten to my own wily office cat, has a job interview, one that will take her from the double-cubicle we currently occupy on the 48th floor to the rarefied air of the 49th.


Naturally, I object.

Look at her over there.  Who wouldn’t love her?  The glossy brown hair of a young ocelot and the clear, unblemished skin of a summer camp counselor, she is all that is right with her generation.

And who wouldn’t hire her?  I defy you not to! Bright, amiable, hardworking and just a tad goofy, she is the cube-mate that so many of us want and so few of us have.

But what can we do?  We raise them only to watch them leave…

“Maybe I’ll get the job but they’ll let me stay here.”

I grin at her.  “That’ll happen.”

“But who will laugh at me when I smell my own shoesWho will I share gas-reduction pills with?”

“I’m thinking there will be plenty of people ready to laugh at your shoe-sniffing ways.  And as for gas– “ and here I shrug,” gas is universal.”

She laughs, a chimes-in-the-wind sound.  “Gas brings us together.”

“And drives us apart.”

I turn back to my computer screen.  “You’ll probably get the job,” I say.

She doesn’t say anything.

“When’s your interview?”

“Four,” she says. 

“It’s already 3:30.”

She sighs, ever so softly.  “You want to give me advice, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

We stare at each other. 

She sighs again.  “OK,” she says.  “Go ahead.”

I rub my hands together.  “First, you’re going to want to have a couple shots before you go to the interview.  Something to loosen you up, give you some confidence.”

She smiles.  “I have tequila in my locker.”

“Perfect,” I say.  “But don’t belch.  That’s tacky.”

She bites the end of her pen, leans over a small pad of paper.  “Belching during interview is tacky,” she says, writing.  “Check.”

“And nothing says “I don’t need to work, but I’m still willing to come in every day” like lighting up a cigarette.  Lets ‘em know you’re a multi-dimensional character that will bring excitement to the work place.”

“Gotcha.”  She leans over the pad, writing. “Take up smoking for interview.”

“Also, I’m thinking that you should update your FaceBook status at some point.  Lets them know you’re hip to the whole online scene.”

Fi grins.  “And I do want to appear to be hip to the scene.”

“Right,” I say.  “But don’t text.  That’s just rude.”

“Gotcha.”  She scribbles a brief note to herself.  “What about a gift for the interviewer?”

“Absolutely,” I say.  “Nothing says “give me a job” like a gift.  What’re you thinking?”

“Hmm,” she says, the end of the pen in her mouth.  “I’m thinking a pack of smokes?”

“Or a pack of beef jerky?”

“Maybe a Victoria Secret giftcard?”

I tap the side of my nose, nod.  “That’s my girl,” I say. 



Man but I’m going to miss her.

47 comments:

NYEMT said...

Oh, no! We were really starting to like her. And who knows what will turn up next?

Better the divil y'know than the divil y'don't, as me Irish granny allus said, God rest 'er. :)

Pearl said...

NYEMT, Aye. :-) Had a neighbor that said that about a junkie I once broke up with. :-)

sausage said...

When you say give me the job were you refering to the what the wind does?
Hope all is well
Cheers, Sausage...

haphazardlife said...

Going to miss her, but looking forward to the next one.

the walking man said...

If flatulence was key to a job I would be preside...naw those other guys stink way more than I do...any tips on how I could fart my way to working again?

Vicus Scurra said...

Can I have her desk? Not that I'm needy or anything. I will need a lift in each day - can you pick me up at, say, Winchester?

Shelly said...

Loan her your inner monkey, Pearl. That'll cinch the job for sure~

Lynn said...

Hopeful for an update on that turned out!

Leenie said...

So THAT'S why I bombed at my last interview. (taking notes)

Ms Sparrow said...

Oh, you are devious!

Almost Precious said...

Wowzha, with all your help she'll end up on the 50th floor, sailing right on past the 49th. Either that or she'll be in the basement mail room, steaming open all your mail. :)

Sioux said...

You forgot the #1 interview tip--show some cleavage. And if she's fond of thongs, showing a bit of a brightly-colored thong as she bent over to get some (deliberately)dropped papers would have sealed the deal.

How could you have been so forgetful, Pearl?

Amy said...

And a bit of spinach in the teeth shows them you are health-conscious.

Hookin It With Mr. Lick Lick said...

Yep, you get used to them then they leave. Fortunately for me my former cubemate leaving was a blessing!! She was a nasty person who held her nose up in the air like she was so much better than you and everyone else who walked in her path. And she was constantly making errors in her work that made my job harder. It was a happy day when she was escorted out the door! :o)(she threatened to sue and all kinds of things like that...she was good at intimidation)

R. Jacob said...

sounds like a promo for Mad Men...

Mitchell is Moving said...

I'll have to remember to consult with you if I ever decide to go back to work. Fortunately, I knew about the drinking and smoking. But I wish someone had warned me about belching. They just seemed to all go together.

joeh said...

All excelent advice.

TexWisGirl said...

awww. fi grows up and leaves the nest.

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

FI is lucky to have such a savvy career coach! Hate to think of you losing her just as you've come to like her.
Keep us posted on the latest!

jenny_o said...

Just this moment I realized you two together made up WiFi and that's why you were so compatible: Wily Incumbent and Female Intern.

Now dry your tears, dust off your hazing notes, and get ready for the newbie :)

Joanne said...

You're letting her go gracefully, with a well tuned mind.

Stephen Hayes said...

I hope she appreciates all you're doing to prepare her for success.

Hannah Denski said...

Ah Pearl! Great interview tips!

(gas pills?!?! Can I have some? I'll put them in my Mr.'s dinner : D)x

vanilla said...

"Let's go out in a blaze of glory.
All good things must end..."

NotesFromAbroad said...

I don't have a job but if I ever have to go to work in an office, you will be the one I will get my advice from. I can trust you :)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

A new intern to break in is on the horizon.......

Simply Suthern said...

The good ones always leave too soon and ya cant run the bad ones off.

Macy said...

And the most important tip of all! Put your interviewer at rest by slowly emitting gas all through the interview....(if you have trouble working up wind picking your nose can help)

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, no; you just get her all broken in and she wants to move on! It's not fair, not fair, I tell you!

CarrieBoo said...

She knows you well! I sure wish I'd had you around when I was interviewing all those times. :D Hilarious advice.

bill lisleman said...

Next time enjoy the tequila as you go through the pep talk. That way you'll know she has the right amount in her. (also you are more likely to not remember any advice she will accuse you of giving)

Indigo Roth said...

Bless you, I'll miss her odd ways vicariously. But you know how kids are: they miss you for a few days, then they never WRITE, they don't PHONE... x

Mom of A and a said...

with all those expert tips you have her, she's just bound to get the job!!

Symdaddy said...

This article only had 5 comments in total when I started to write my own comment.

Nip in quick, I thought. Leave an hysterical comment that will moisten Pearls drawers from laughing too much, I thought.

I tried a dozen times or more to leave the funniest reply EVER only to be confounded by a stubborn smart phone that just didn't wanna play ball.

Now I've forgotten what I wanted to say ... it was about gassy shoes ... or something.

Bum! Bum! Bum!

Gigi said...

Ah Fi. She has no idea what she's letting herself in for by moving to the 49th floor. We'll miss her.

And Jenny_O's WiFi comment had me in stitches over here!

Pat said...

So what happened?

Mr. Charleston said...

So, one would assume the 49th floor is the penthouse where all of those talents, and suggestions, will score big time.

klahanie said...

Aha Pearl! Very good and I leave my comment 'Intern' after the one before me :)
Your starstruck, humble fan, Gary...

Susan Kane said...

Nothing better than a naive pretty intern for lunch.

HermanTurnip said...

But...what if she does follow your instructions and actually gets the job? The implications are staggering.

River said...

You advised her to smoke?
Are you crazy?

esbboston said...

I see the beginnings of a "XXXXXX for Dummies" book here, just not sure which word to put in the ecks-ecks-ecks-ecks-ecks-ecks substitution.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

And we shall miss thee also, Fi. She was a like a little Pearl.

Although I do have to say - bad enough to work in a cubicle, but to have to SHARE it? Kill me now.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Oh, Pearl...who will hire that inexperienced neophyte FI now when she walks into their office dragging a mile-long 'tip' sheet, especially if they recognize your handwriting? ":)

Craver Vii said...

Hiya Pearl! For the last few weeks, I've been on an Antarctic expedition with no electricity, so I haven't been around. I have SO missed your sense of humor!!

(sheepishly) ...No, I haven't really been to the South Pole, but the part about missing your wit is undeniably true.

NellieVaughn said...

Sadness in that space where they tell me the heart is located. I bet this is what it would feel like to break up with someone that I still love, but have to let go so that he can pursue his dreams, or some junk that I am not kind enough to consider doing.

Susan in the Boonies said...

What a shame to lose Fi. They grow up so fast!

Semper Fi!