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Sunday, July 29, 2012

I Might Be Useless

The server was down at work the other day; and since both our computers and our phones are intertwined in some black-magicked Information Technology-fashion (I don’t want to get too technical here) there was a substantial lull in my day.

It got me thinking…

When I first started working, right after the first World War – the War to End All Wars, we called it – the office was a markedly different place than it is today. Copies were made by the monks kept in the back room, communications were made by carrier pigeon (they’re extinct now, you know), and you were allowed to smoke at your desk. It’s true! You were also allowed to smoke in theaters, on airplanes, in bars and restaurants, in hospitals, in court – in other words, everywhere. I have pictures of aunts holding newborns with cigarettes dangling from their lips.

But I digress.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a fan of progress. Big fan of portable music, of mobile phones, of movies you can buy and watch whenever you like. Why, you used to have to wait until Thanksgiving to see the Wizard of Oz! Now you can see it any time you like and as many times as you like.

But when that stuff stops working, that’s when you notice just how much you’ve relied on it – and how little you really know about how it works.

The TV’s not working – NOW what do I do? I pushed the button on the remote – hard – but it still doesn’t work. What should I do? Should I push the button again?

I dropped my cell phone in the toilet and lost every phone number I had. Collecting all those numbers again?  That’ll take forever. Would it be wrong to just get all new friends?

The server’s down at work and there’s nothing I can do that doesn’t require my accessing something via computer – and that’s when I ask myself: why aren’t I doing something real, like throwing pots or breeding dogs?

My clothes come from stores, my meat comes on Styrofoam wrapped in plastic, and the information I, an end-user, need to be productive is housed mysteriously in a black box.

How did I let this get so out of control?

But what can I do? I’m a cog. A small, undistinguished cog in a large, distinguished machine.

My first thought: rebel. I must rebel.

I’ve got to fight the power. But how?

Going forward, I will continue to buy my clothes in stores; but I will do all my own alterations. I’ve stapled fallen hems before, and by God, I can do it again.

Going forward, I will continue to buy my meat from places where it comes in Styrofoam and wrapped in plastic, primarily because I live in the city and don’t know anyone who raises their own meat.

City rabbits and raccoons are harder to catch than you’d think…

Going forward, I will continue to go to my job, where I will continue to work, on a computer, as I always have, powerless when it stops working…

Working? Wait a minute. That’s it. I’m going at this all wrong! Back to the land! That’s what I need to do. Like my forefathers, I’ll eke out an existence by the sweat of my brow. I’ll sell the house, buy a couple hundred acres on a river, get some cows and some goats, do my own butchering, make my own butter, dip my own candles, raise a passel of kitties.

Subsistence farming, man. That’s where it’s at.

Yeah. No. Not gonna happen.

My rebelling sucks.


84829942-3a88-11e0-83da-000bcdcb5194 said...

Why American men should boycott American women


I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

Tens of millions of American men have had their lives completely destroyed by American women through the following crimes:

1. False rape accusations (it has been proven that up to 80 percent of rape accusations are FALSE)

2. False domestic violence (DV) charges (same as above)

3. Financial destruction of men in divorce courts through alimony and support payments (women get up to 95 percent of their ex-husband's income and savings, as well as the house, car, etc)

4. Emotional destruction of men by ex-wives who have stolen their children from them and forbidden the fathers from having custody or contact with their own children

5. Divorced dads who commit suicide as a result

Not one single American woman has EVER condemned their fellow American women for committing these crimes against men. Silence means consent. Therefore, American women support and enjoy destroying men's lives and causing men to commit suicide. Apparently, American women think it is okay to be a criminal, just as long as you are a woman. Therefore, is it any surprise that a huge percent of American men no longer want anything to do with American women, other than using them for easy sex and then throwing them away?

A few more reasons to stay away from American women?

-25 percent of American women take psychiatric drugs for mental illnesses.
-25 percent of women under the age of 30 have at least one STD.
-85 percent of divorces in America are INITIATED by women, thus women are responsible for the vast majority of divorces.
-70 percent of criminals in America were raised by single mothers, thus feminism is responsible for most crime in America.
-The majority of child molestation, child abuse, and child murder in America is done by WOMEN.

Over 50 percent of American women are single, without a boyfriend or husband; so the fact is most American men no longer want to marry American women. Let these worthless American women grow old living alone with their 10 cats.


Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Well, I had a comment all worked out until I saw the first comment, above, there, Mr. BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN! He has just provided you with a post, my Pearl! Hope he comments on my blog - I need an idea for next week. Come on over, mr BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN! Cut and paste your comment on my page! I double-dawg dare ya!
lol - oh, Pearl. The crackheads abound.

Buttons said...

OK That spam comment above ---- me off and I am not even American OK don't hate me I do know and read Americans:).

You crack me up Pearl and I do have a couple of cute cows for sale they may like apartment living but I am not sure your neighbours would appreciate the nice cow patties but what a great blog post that would make. Great post.
Down with spam comments!!!! B

TexWisGirl said...

oh, mr. boycott. i detest him, so...

liked your whole life-altering post. :) passel of cats fits right in with mr. boycott's message...

R. Jacob said...

I would like to volunteer to look after all the American women he wants to boycott. No pushing ladies, this American male wants you!
This has been a public service announcement...
any takers?

Douglas said...

You wrote:
I have pictures of aunts holding newborns with cigarettes dangling from their lips

Now, I know (in my stony little heart) that you want to imply that the aunts had the cigarettes dangling from their lips but I saw babies happily drooling around a Marlboro or two.

Don't mean to criticize... it's not you, it's me (where have you heard that before?).

I think Mr. Boycott was mistreated by an American woman... possibly recently... certainly effectively. I also suspect it was him, not her, at fault.

I have had a similar problem to the one you experienced at work. Since I use Vonage, when the high speed (Ha!) connection is down, I have only my cell phone (which does not work more than sporadically in the house) to call the cable company on.

middle child said...

Oh hell no! The boycot American women guy is back. Idiot.

My initial comment was going to be......Don't tell me you're joining a commune!

Joanne said...

I am so removed from work that I read "the server at work is down" and thought it was you, in black slacks, a crisp white blouse and those new shoes--on the ground.

Geo. said...

I suspect my grandparents were of the last generation to understand all their possessions and we do seem to suffer a disconnection from the products we use now. I don't know what the American Woman has to do with that but I don't blame her.

Ms Sparrow said...

Awww, that poor slob who wants to boycott us must have really been rejected badly. I hope he gets his self-esteem back enough so that he doesn't have to impose himself on some needy imported bride.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Gee whiz Pearl...you just got rid of one capital letter, garble spouting, occasional profanity interjecting crackhead and now you've got another one (no....not me).
Anyway, on to your problem of rebelling. Baby steps Pearl...baby steps. Start getting your information from paper....then move on to strictly a land line phone (you can still get refurbished dial phones that will work you know), then go to the farmers market for your veggies and meats....one thing at a time....snail mail...little things. The job you are, unfortunately, stuck with but you will have your little oasis of rebellion to return home to at night. Or not. Hang in there girl.

vanilla said...

Yeah, you'd make a pretty fickle Luddite.

jenny_o said...

I don't think I'd be any good at the subsistence farming either. Two black thumbs and too faint of heart to do any butchering ... I could trade my kitty-raising and sewing skillz for beef and veggies, maybe :)

Wait, we're not EATING the kitties, are we?!

NotesFromAbroad said...

LOL, I never saw the boycott american women guy before ... someones mama is looking for him.

Pearl... you dropped the phone in the toilet .. weren't you able to fish the numbers out ? or did they just slide down the tubes ?

I get ya on the remote, no matter how hard I push, nothing happens here either .. don't push again, hit the remote. That might help. Hit it hard !

Who would you throw the pots at ? I say that is a great way of releasing frustration, that or just play with the clay and make a funny mask.
Breeding dogs is so easy, they don't even need you !

Somehow I just don't see you as a COG ... you have to try harder to sell me on that one.

There are no city rabbits and raccoons.
Someone is pulling your leg.

We are moving to a country location.
You can come visit. It will cure all your needs for moving to the country, you will go home so freaking glad that you live in the city.

love you ... from a very cold and sunny Buenos Aires, C

Vapid Vixen said...

You're a woman after my own heart. All my alterations include staples, binder clips and on the rare occasion I do use thread, the black sharpie marker to color it in since the only color thread available was light green.

Gene Pool Diva said...

Aw, I want ten acres, 2 dogs and 4 goats, but then I'd also like Mr Bitter Boycott to trip on a threshold and be at the mercy of Nurse Ratchet.

Carrie Lynne said...

I have been watching the series Mad Men on Netflix. It is amazing to see everyone smoking everywhere, just like you have described.

sage said...

I can't believe the boycott guy is still around, he made the same comments a few years ago on my blog. Maybe since folks are boycotting Chick Fil-a and others Starbucks and Target, he thinks he can pick up a few followers... Now, what was it you were talking about... smoking at the desk and carrier pigeons and imprisoned monks?

vanilla said...

You can see that i write my comments before I read the others so that I am not influenced by them. Had I looked, though, I would have been feeling so sorry for mr. boycotter that I probably would have forgotten my comment. Can anyone say "therapy"?

bill lisleman said...

Thanks for reminding us how dependent we have become on technology. I suggest you bring in an old mechanical typewriter for power outages and servers going down. Remember those typed memos that smelled of tobacco?

Janice said...

I dropped my keys in the toilet once, wasn't quick enough to recover them. Caught hell from the bar tender the next night who had been griping about how some bimbo must have clogged up the plumbing with a flushed feminine hygiene product.
And babies with cigarettes dangling from their lips, those were the good old days! And don't I just feel sorry for all the women that boycott american women guy has had contact with over the years. What a putz.
Keep on Pearl. You make me laugh so hard some days.

Paula Wooters said...

Living off the fat of the land? Nah... ain't gonna happen! Better not quit the day job yet... even if the server's down and you can't smoke at your desk.

Eva Gallant said...

About dropping your phone in the toilet....that's the risk you take when you set it on vibrate and put it in your panties!

Macy said...

Dur Pearl, you can never go back to the land you know - not unless you can figure out a way to keep generating enough electricity to power your PC and keep your blog going...

CarrieBoo said...

I know, I always think I'd like a simpler, more natural existence, but I guess it really wouldn't be simpler in the end, just harder work. If they could just invent something cheap and simple to deal with dog poop, I'd be set.

esbboston said...

Everyone knows that Carrier Penguins are not eXtinct.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl!

"Would it be wrong to just get all new friends?"

Heh. Every friend I've ever has eventually makes a phone-in-the-toilet excuse. Clearly, I meet a lot of unlucky folk.

Roth x

Gigi said...

I must admit the idea of living simpler has appealed to me a time or two. But then reality snaps me back right quick.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Your server's down?

Don't panic!

Go back to the basics.

Play solitaire with real cards.

Mama Zen said...

Rebelling sounds like work!

Jocelyn said...

I'm not sure you need to make all new friends, with the loss of their phone numbers, but you do need to stop calling them, which will be infinitely more easy now than before the toilet tragedy.

Be sure you inform all the American females in your friendship circle, when you see them face-to-face, that you can't speak to them or take them to bed or marry them anymore because you've recently received some passionate advice regarding their questionable quality.

Do continue to take to bed your Thai and Canadian and Brazilian galpals, however. They're fine.

HermanTurnip said...

A group of kittens is called a "kindle".

I wonder a group of Kindles or a group of Nooks is called?

Pat Tillett said...

Hey! The fact that you thought about it carries some weight here. I give you 50% credit towards actually doing those things. For me, I don't EVER want to have to slog my way through cow crap again, and be pissed on by cows again, or any other of the million unpleasant things that can, and do happen on farms. I'm a city boy now.
You are darn funny, you...

Mark In Mayenne said...

Dear Pearl, it's easy to start raising your own meat, start with something small like guinea pigs and move up from there :)

Tempo said...

Like Douglas I had visions of babies with fags carelessly dabbing their aunts with the lit end of a ciggy. (I was going to use the word fag as it used to be short for cigarette..now I'm not sure what I'm allowed to use it for)

Pat said...

I can't tell you the comfort I get these days from flattening out the cardboard, rinsing out the plastic milk bottles, washing the glass bottles and jars and also the tins - with the odd laceration. These all go into their proper bins and the food waste in a disposable bag also in the correct container.
Then I can sleep at nights,

River said...

Pearl, Pearl, Pearl...if the TV remote doesn't work, you need to change the batteries!!
Anything else not working? Plug it into its charger.
Server at work down? Put your feet up and read a book.
Or get pencil and paper and write some blog post ideas.

jabblog said...

If I had to rely on my wits to survive I'd fade away pretty quickly. Still, where there's life there's hope and you can always hope that someone, somewhere knows what to do . . .

Hannah Denski said...

Ah, Pearl, whatever makes you happy! : )))

I know you don't do awards... and I award you anyway - but no further action is needed!

This is only for your info http://hannah-denski.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/my-awards.html


Linda O'Connell said...

I'm thinking you may want to start another hippie movement. I'm also thinking the blathering guy is back on his meds and is now writing more coherently.

Al Penwasser said...

Subsistence farming?
I have a few tomatoes, some green beans, and what I suspect are peppers.
Looks like another "Red Robin" night.
I remember back when "the server isn't working" meant you had to get your OWN coffee and doughnuts.

Al Penwasser said...

Nice SPAM.
NO WAY I boycott American women!!!! I'm married to an American woman and I like having her around. Without American women, I'd have to fly to Europe...or Asia.
Or be gay.
PENWASSER DISCLAIMER: Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

The spam moron is a misogynist that has nothing better to do. Technology should allow computer touch-pads that "are working" according to the computer--to actually work.
Good idea, get some cows, goats and chickens--grow some potatoes too. Don't forget to grow some rutabagas and parsnips to throw at the misogynist up top there. ":)

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, I forgot, open the back of the TV remote and just "spin" the batteries in place. If that doesn't work, change the batteries. ":) If that doesn't work, visit


haphazardlife said...

You do suck at rebelling, but it makes for good blog posts.

That spammer? Funny funny boy. But I'm glad to know that as a Canadian I'm ok, though I've been known to be immature, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. Highly unchaste was the most fun.

Amy said...

Does one need to own heavy woolen socks in order to live off the land in Minnesota? Just a hunch.

Diane said...

Sorry. I hate to say this, but I'm going to have to go elsewhere for my rebellion.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Fear not, my Pearl. I think as long as there's money to be made, the trolls will keep the infrastructure up and running, and fools like you and me will continue to have access to technology.