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Monday, June 25, 2012

I Can Hardly Wait to See What Happens Next


There are things that fall outside of our personal expectations.

You know, the stuff that happens to other people in other places but certainly not to us.

Well, to you, maybe. But certainly not to me!

What's that? What kinds of things? Oh, I don't know... Coffee breath, warts, wrinkles, undignified medical conditions, legal and illegal things that shall remain nameless.

Scary things.

The kinds of things that come with living to adulthood.

If you are like me – and I see no reason to believe that you are not – you, too, assumed that these things would never happen to you, not necessarily because you didn’t deserve them but because somehow we were different.

How deluded we've been, you and I.

These are in no particular order.

Seriously.

Stretch Marks: This one surprised me. Silly, when I think about it, since I was a good seven months pregnant when I first saw them… Caught the full picture in a three-way mirror at Sears whilst looking for something – anything! – that would fit. I burst into tears and came out of the room asking my boyfriend, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He knew exactly what I was talking about. “I figured you had enough problems,” he said.

Cellulite: Ah. Another condition I thought would not happen to me. People with cellulite are fat, aren’t they? Or lazy? Or – what was I thinking, anyway? I don’t remember, but I never expected to have dimples on my butt. Oh, well. No use in fussing about it. Others may think of it as “hail damage”, but I prefer to think of it as Braille for the blind boyfriends I’ve yet to meet. I’m sure they’ll thank me.

Gingivitis: Any time you go to the dentist and they suggest that you have work done in either two sessions (half a mouth at a time) or four sessions (quarter sections of the mouth at a time), you know you’re in for Big Fun. Having dental work done in shifts is the kind of suggestions you’ll hear when your dentist diagnoses gingivitis.

All I can say is: Listerine, kids. Listerine.

Practical Shoes: Despite the continued ability to run in three-inch heels, I’ve found that I have become more interested in comfort and practicality than how great those heels make my legs look. I now wear my beautiful heels only at work, not while getting there. I leave that bit of foolishness to the youngsters.

Carry on, Next Generation! Corns and bunions await you!

Loss of Love for the Horror Movie: This I place squarely on the shoulders of the movie industry. I love a good horror movie. Come on! I dare you! Freak me out! But the movies lately? Pails full of blood hurtled toward the camera or repeated filmed examples of sadism do not make things scary. I can’t remember the last truly scary movie I saw, although I have seen a number that just made me leave the room in disgust.

Beans and Other Gas-Producing Vegetables: Earlier in life I had assumed that this was a joke. I’ve come to find out that it’s not. You can take my word for it or you can learn it for yourself. The lesson I’ve learned? A bowl of chili for lunch prior to a late-afternoon yoga session is a bad idea.

Looking at this list, I think I've found the common link in these things; and here it is: the whispered stories of stretch marks and cellulite are true.

The generation ahead of us – what do they know that we don’t?



Ooh. There’s a horror movie for you: “I Know What’s Going to Happen To You”.

Now that’s scary.

53 comments:

vanilla said...

teehee! We know, Pearl, but if we told you it might kill you prematurely. The anticipation, the suspense...

sausage said...

The bane of the fortysomethings.
We are the reason that the 'Don Drapers' of the world exist.
I might need to take a bath next to my wife in an orange grove soon!!!
if you know what I am sayin'
cheers, Sasuage...

joeh said...

well done!

Do not allow braille reading after a bowl of chili!

Funny stuff...it was supposed to be funny...right?

KLo said...

This made me laugh and then nod in commiseration. It also made me wonder the last time I saw a really good horror movie ... and I can't. Well, "The Human Centipede" scared me, but primarily the idea that someone had the audacity to make it and that so many people wanted to watch it ...

Simply Suthern said...

I spose there are worse things with long names to worry about but ear hair that grows like kudzu is my bane. I wonder if they make quieter weedeaters for trimming?

Lynn said...

Ha! Hail damage - I like that and will use it from now on.

My mother tried to tell me that wearing extremely high heels for hours and hours would ruin my feet. Should have listened. :)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

For a small fee I can fill you in on some of the joys that await but, you know that old saying "ignorance is bliss"....it really is.

Vicus Scurra said...

My stretch marks have an entirely different cause.

"and I see no reason to believe that you are not" just brilliant.

TexWisGirl said...

aging ain't for sissies...

Camille said...

Did you know I recently found a couple of inch long, wirey hairs growing out of the top of my right ear? You didn't? Well, of course not because you live so far away. But I ask you - why didn't any of my friends or family hand me the clue phone sooner?

I always thought such an indignity would be reserved for elderly Grampy's and Sasquatch. Wrong again.

Becky C. said...

Scary movies - they're few and far between. Last one I saw? Paranormal Activity. Yeah, I know you've already seen it, but just in case... Watch it alone, at night... or not!

Silliyak said...

I didn't know women farted. I thought it was just dogs near women who farted. My wife does not fart. She HAS occasionally stepped on a frog, but never farted.

Buttons said...

Word of advice always look around and assume it was someone else's fart and play dumb.
You make me laugh thanks for that. B

Teresa Evangeline said...

My God, woman. Thank you for making me laugh about cellulite and stretch marks. It reminds me of how much better I felt (and I know I shouldn't admit this) when I saw on the cover of a tabloid (not inside it mind you) a photo of one of television's Desperate Housewives wearing clothes that revealed almost stovepipe legs (How Minnesotan is that?) and dimples, lots of dimples around her knees. I slept better that night.

BTW: Don't go in the basement.

Shelly said...

I could add to the list:

The despicable things that happen to you when you laugh really hard

Realizing you are at *that* age when long hair is not sexy, but only freaky

The snap crackle pop you hear when you are working out on the weight machines is no longer from your cereal

A bank robber termed "elderly" on the news is actually a little younger than you.

jenny_o said...

Aaaaaand, I'd like to add to Shelley's list:

1. to her first, I would add - or sneeze, cough, or slip on ice
2. to her second, I would add - and hair starts receding, even for us ladies. Yes, the bangs cover it up ... for awhile ...
3. to her third, I would add - and eventually the snap crackle pop turns into "grind" (not sure what the next step is, but I think it involves lots of pain and possibly a meeting with a surgeon)
4. to her last, I would add - and the obituaries gradually start to include too many people your own age or younger

The bright side is, if we're around to note and complain about these things, it is still a good day :)

esbboston said...

You could refer to 'it'
where you sit
as 'hail damaged aged hams
of a dame'.
But what do I know.

Joyful Things said...

This is what happens next -

You need 'readers', longer arms or a friend to read what's on the menu.

You need to stay away from crowded rooms, pay attention or read lips "WHAT?" WHAT DID SHE SAY?"

You need to remember (ha!) to take the tissues out of your sleeves BEFORE you take your sweater off in public.

I could go on but small bits at a time are the least painful.

Douglas said...

But, Pearl, chili for lunch before a late afternoon yoga session prevents crowding of your personal space. Just remember to giggle daintily before saying "Wow! I didn't expect that!"

esbboston said...

A Plural: Bingo Wings

Suzy said...

After menopause? This list becomes the things you miss. Trust me on that one.

Eva Gallant said...

I'd like to say, "Cheer up, it could be worse." but the truth is, it continues to get worse as you get older!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You failed to mention aggressive facial hair growth. That alone scares the hell out of me--and my husband.

Bodacious Boomer said...

You can run in three" heels? I am beyond impressed. I have trouble not falling in flip-flops.

Susan in the Boonies said...

This makes me laugh in a knowing, rueful, "been there/farted that" kind of way.

And FYI: I never, ever use the "f" word. (The one I just used.)

If you tell my kids I said that I WILL DENY.

Roses said...

Add to that: facial hair.

No, I wasn't expecting to be sporting a moustache my son would envy at 15.

I'm very put out by it.

fishducky said...

There ARE some good things that come with getting older. For instance, I've found that my leg & underarm hair has stopped growing, so I no longer have to shave. This gives me time to care for my new-found moustache & beard!

Joanne said...

Don't quit now, or you'll never know if it's true of not.

NotesFromAbroad said...

This is so amazing ..
I wear "funky work boots, riding boots, ballet flats" because they are stylish ( truth: I can walk miles in them) ..
I no longer wear heels of any sort for more than the length of from here to the taxi to the door of the restaurant. How about that !

I have no cellulite but I am sure it is lurking.
I have no moustache or beard but ... there is this one hair ..
My husband told me upon hearing my screams, that maybe I should leave it alone, it might be connected to something important. I hit him.

I am soooo lucky I never liked beans.

Put me on Jenny o 's list, my bangs start higher up .. this worries me to no end.

sage said...

I needed a laugh this afternoon and so I said to myself, "I'll go see what Pearl has to say today!" Too funny! Thanks

Laurel's Quill said...

Then there's memory loss, hair loss, and ugly yellow toenails.

KleinsteMotte said...

A dose of BEANO before the chili will get that gas under control for the yoga class!

Pat said...

I get these halenges almost daily and almost always there is a way round them. For intance I only do
solo yoga.
And short if wearing a yashmak I cover up.

Gigi said...

Not just Listerine, kids. You gotta floss too. Trust me.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl!

"A bowl of chili for lunch prior to a late-afternoon yoga session is a bad idea."

Especially if they light mood candles.

Roth x

Jayne Martin said...

The only thing on this list I get a pass on is the stretch marks, because I've never been pregnant. Otherwise, yes... the same yellow brick road to hell.

Casey Freeland said...

I have those wiry hairs coming out of the top of my ear as well. What the heck is that? Who put a hair follicle there, anyway.

Lynda R Young said...

lol, so funny. I so wish I couldn't relate to these.

CarrieBoo said...

Hhahaha! Blinder of a post. Sadly, I can relate to many of these and I haven't even reached 40 yet. (I've always had a thing for beans and I never liked heels... and I don't want to look at my own butt.)

Sioux said...

Yeah, and your breasts become an origami project...You have to fold them in an inticate manner to get them into the bra.

Nessa Roo said...

I've got a big thick whisker that grows out of my chin. I pluck it, it grows back. I'm terribly thankful it's not grey.

kj said...

WhT's wrong with me? I knew it all in advance. Now
I'm working my way back to denial!

Someone once told me by the time you hit fifty you get the face you deserve. Ha! Fhat's been more than enough reason for me to partially behave

:-)

Love
kj

Symdaddy said...

May I just say that your butt dimples are a merely a figment of your imagination. However, if you'd like me to have a look, just to make sure ... hmmm?

Roly Clu said...

Stretch marks I don't have ... I can't see any because I won't look in a mirror.
No butt dimples cos I don't have one to dimple.
I'd look weird in high heels and a suit with a tie.
No such thing as horror movies anymore.
Creases on your face become wrinkles which constantly attract more

ThreeOldKeys said...

ha ha ha hail damage

ouch

NellieVaughn said...

I got cellulite and stretch marks at a very Young age. I noticed them when I was thirteen years old. Oh, how I hated the summer because of them. No bathing suits for me.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

I've never worn high heels, and I don't care what my friends say.

But you missed something.

Hemorrhoids.

R. Jacob said...

For those reasons alone, I rarely admire myself naked in front of the mirror.

That gentleman's lady said...

stop scaring me!

the walking man said...

What the folks were going to tell us and then watch us commit mass suicide in our 30's? Aww hell no. But there is a cure for all of those conditions it is called Pharmaceuticals, organic pharmaceuticals.

River said...

Funnily enough, beans, cabbage etc, don't make me fart, but roast chicken does, and pepsi makes me burp.
I think I have a little cellulite, but can't feel or see it so I'm not worried. I do have 4 kids worth of stretch marks and the apron belly that goes with them.
As for dental work....well! My dentist starts planning house renovations when he sees me coming!
The only other things I have are varicose veins and a little hearing loss, and arthritis. Not too bad at all for my age.

Pat Tillett said...

Yep! It's all breaking down. I have another one for them. All you youngsters out there...Hey! Remember all those muscle and joint sprains you had? They will come back to haunt you later in your life...

The Provision Room said...

It's sort of fun getting old(er), isn't it? :-P