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Monday, April 16, 2012

So A Bear Walks Into A Party...

And now, as previously alluded to, the story of Mary and the bear.

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” she says.

“Rahr?”

“Sorry,” Mary says. “It’s nothing personal. We just don’t allow bears in the living room.”

And it was true. Mary and Jon don't normally allow bears in the house at all, but over there, hogging the stereo, there was no bout a doubt it, as my father likes to say. That guy was definitely a bear; and frankly, he’d pretty much worn out his welcome.

I mean, a whole hour’s worth of Zeppelin?

MAN. Just what year did this guy go to sleep, anyway?

“ROWR!” shouts the bear. “RRRRar ar arrr rawr.”

“Oh, I hear ya, buddy,” she says, “I fell off a bar stool once and they practically threw me into the parking lot.” She comes as close as she can to putting her arm around him, tries to steer him toward the door. “This is not that, so don’t get the wrong idea. I mean, hell, I don’t care how much you’ve had to drink, either, but you see that guy over there?”

Mary points across the party to Jon, who is busy drawing a diagram of the firing sequence for a 2004 Saturn on an eviscerated paper bag.

“Rahr?” the bear says cautiously.

“Welllll,” she says, bobbing her head and grimacing slightly, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but Jon’s not down with people and animals drinking from the same cup, if ya know what I mean.”

“Rahr rahr-rahr,” the bear points out.

Mary holds up her hands. “The dog’s different,” she says. “T-Bone lives with us.”

“ROWR!”

“I am not!,” she shouts, her Irish up. “I got a wild side just like everyone else! But this is for your own good, buddy! Time to go!”

And with that, she reaches into her jacket, pulls out one of those plastic, bear-shaped honey dispensers.

“ROWR!” The bear rears up on his hind legs, opens his mouth and "ROWR"s loudly. The party stops, momentarily, all faces on the bear.

How was Mary to have known that the bears find those honey containers offensive?

“ROWR! RAAAHR AAR!” The bear heads toward the fridge, no doubt to snag yet another of the pale ales he’s been stealing from me all night.

“Mary?” Jon calls.

She waves him off, irritably. “I got this,” she says. “You just go back to drawing whatever…” she trails off as she heads into the kitchen.

“Br’er Bear, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” She grabs my pack of cigarettes off the table, lights it and blows the hit toward the bear. They hate that, you know. “You start heading toward the exit or I’ll be forced to put some cigarette-cherry shaped dents in that nice spring-time coat you’re workin’ on.”

The bear looks down at his belly, how fine his new coat is coming in, looks back up. “Rahr rahr-rahr rahr?”

“Sure,” Mary says. She turns to me. “You don’t care, do ya? If he takes one for the road?”

I shake my head wearily and hold out a pack of Camel Lights.

MAN but I hate when bears come to parties.

36 comments:

Shelly said...

If I'm ever stranded in the wilderness or at a wild party, it's Mary I want by my side.

I think she deserves to wear a cape of some kind-

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Unwanted guests, I just hate when they show up. I never had a bear, but there have been a few boars.

R. Jacob said...

Mention that the fridge is empty and most bears will stagger home!

Simply Suthern said...

With all those R's in the Rahr's and Rowr's ya know it wernt a Boston Bruin.

But aint they lucky there wernt a bearskin rug on the floor?

Pat said...

I didn't realise they actually come into the house.
It must be difficult to get rid of them without being rude or hurtful.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

there's a bear in every crowd...good thing Mary knows how to get rid of them

Leenie said...

Good info! Next time we go to Yellowstone Park I'm taking plastic bear-shaped honey dispensers to ward off Yogi and Boo Boo. Heavens knows bear spray doesn't work. I sprayed it all over my kids and the bears still thought they were food.

Eva Gallant said...

Lucky that Mary knows how to deal with bears!

esbboston said...

Sometimes Cooper makes bear type growls, well, more like growls combined with a yawn, and he sounds more polar bear-ish probably because he is half husky.

Silliyak said...

I can't bear when that happens...

The Jules said...

It's more embarrassing when they find your party so dull they actually start hibernating early.

Very eloquent ursine, by the way.

Lynn said...

I love this story - you captured my attention right away. :)

New follower!

Douglas said...

Did you ask the age-old question about where bears go?

fishducky said...

I had an elephant come to one of my parties, but he was so quiet & shy no one even noticed he was there........

NotesFromAbroad said...

The best parties are when all the cats and dogs come .. at the same time. Wow. No conversation lulls there !

jenny_o said...

First I thought it was a metaphor, then I thought, no, maybe it's an allegory ... then I wondered if it was a fable ... finally I decided it was just plain fun :)

Love all the expressive "Rawr"'s!

Pearl said...

I have to admit that I'm a little crabby today (different animal altogether) and am loving the comments. :-)

Pearl

Susan Kane said...

Pearl. You are one crazy lady writer. Love it.

bruce said...

somebody said camels...kinda miss those guys...

the perfume of a Zippo...the comforting red glow, the puffy grayish cloud of smokie treat goodness...the friendship forged from them always being there...even at three in the morning, when the beer is gone... them camels... they stayed...

totally get the not inviting bears to parties thing...

they just never know when to leave...

camels however, just miss them fiercely...

sexnfries said...

I like bears, but think unwise to have them in your house. They should be at a friendly distance so you can poke them with a stick and run like a crazy ass squirrel all the way home

Crystal Pistol said...

I would never be brave enough to face up to a bear. Mary is very very brave.

My husband is a good bear fighter-offer. It's always good to have one of those on your team. :)

Nezzy said...

'Nothin like a bear to bring the party down! Heeehehehe!!!

Great story sweetie!!!

God bless and have yourself a glorious day!!! :o)

Glen said...

you think you hate when they show up ?- I'm a Salmon.

Al Penwasser said...

This was TOO FUNNY! Now I know that, whenever I see a sign on the highway which says, "Bear Right," I won't be picking any of them up. They sound tough as hell to get rid of.

Ms Sparrow said...

Between your electrical appliances and party-crashing wildlife, you live in a dangerous world!

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

You've outdone yourself with this story, and THAT is saying something! Good stuff, lady.

Jono said...

I don't know about down there, but up here after a party they leave a mess and never clean it up. The ravens aren't much better.

Gigi said...

Next party I throw I want Mary to come down.....I know of a few that need her "bear removal" skills to get rid of.

The Elephant's Child said...

Every home should have a Mary.

bill lisleman said...

"eviscerated paper bag" - love the phrase. Would it work with a Fedex box? eviscerated Fedex box?
So what brought the bear in? Fish tacos? Blueberry pancakes?

Bodacious Boomer said...

Maybe it just depends on exactly which bear comes to the party. The ones that come to ours are always the life the party.

Symdaddy said...

Is that the party you wouldn't let me into, saying "No one wants to see your elephant impression"!

I think I met that bear out on the street!

He thumbed a lift then Left cigarette burns all over my car's upholstery!

I'm sending Mary the bill!

Snaggle Tooth said...

Very clever n amusing! I have known some bears like that... but they hated parties!
Thanks for visiting ESR

River said...

I knew there was a reason I don't do parties.
Bears.
Yep, that's the reason.

That gentleman's lady said...

Who'd have know, Bears smoke :)

PS - I sent you an email last night, don't know if the address linked to your blog is the correct one but it's there!

NellieVaughn said...

I've never had a bear guest, but I a boa constrictor once crashed my party. They're okay. You hardly notice them. They are very quiet and shy. All in all, a good experience.