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Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Wait a Second. How Did the Cat Get my Credit Card?

The cat is sitting at the top of the stairs when I arrive home.

She yawns extravagantly, a show of tiny, pointed teeth and pink, curled tongue.

I climb the steps, narrow my eyes at her.  “What?”

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, stares at a spot over my head, a trait I find disconcerting.  I absentmindedly run my hand over the top of my head, feel for bugs.

There are none.

“Oh, nothing,” she says.

Liza Bean Bitey, a small-pawed, delicately framed puss, a cat who once ran for office under the banner of jobs for all who wanted them and a mouse in every pot, smiles.

Disconcerting, a cat’s smile.

I remove my shoes, hang my coat on the hook.  “What?”

“Well,” she says, “remember that job I had at the Department of Motor Vehicles?”

Air escapes me, a “pssssssss” of a sound that makes the end of the cat’s tail twitch. 

“Do I remember?” I muse.  “Hmm.  You mean those three months of work you were fired from for creating a driver’s license for yourself under the name of “Bubble Anne Squeak”?

The cat clears her throat. “It’s called a Reduction In Force,” she says, testily.  “I wasn’t fired.  I was RIFed.”

“I’ll RIF you,” I say.

She tilts her head, gazes at me affectionately.  “That was almost funny, Pearl, do you know that?”

I reach down, scratch between her ears, and she closes her eyes briefly, the tiniest of smiles on her little black lips.

I straighten up.  “So,” I say.  “Sitting at the top of the stairs.  In wait.”

She fixes her bright green eyes on me.  “I may have used your credit card.”

I stare at her.

“More than once.”

I continue to stare at her.  I blink twice.

“Oh, come now,” she says irritably.  “It’s not like I didn’t get you something, too.”

I can’t help but smile.  “You bought me a gift with my own money?”

“Yes,” she says, purring.  “Who’s your favorite kitty?”

I frown.  Suddenly, it seems rather quiet in the house. 

“Where’s Dolly?”

Liza Bean’s eyebrows inch up in what I’m sure she feels is an innocent fashion.  “Sorry.  What’s that?”

“Dolly Gee Squeakers?  Formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers?  Where is she?”

“Ahh.”  Liza Bean stands up, digs both front paws into the carpeting.  Chest down, tail to the ceiling she stretches lavishly.  “I had to lock her out on the porch.”

I stare at her. 

She dismisses me with a wave of a tidy paw.  “March Madness,” she says.  “Do you realize her basketball picks are based on whether one mascot is bigger than another?”  She shakes her head.  “You’d think she would’ve learned after last year’s wallet-cleaning.”

Liza Bean leaps to the comfort of an easy chair.  “Silly cat,” she murmurs.

And with that, Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, lays down, curls up, and falls asleep.


Simply Suthern said...

Well, She did get you something too. Hope it was nice.

Dee Ready said...

As a real cat lover--I live with three right now (Ellie, a brindle; Maggie, a long-haired calico: and Matthew, an exuberant tiger)--I so love your lisa bean bitey posts.
I've had a book published ("A Cat's Life: Dulcy's Story). It's a lovely story I'm told by others, but Dulcy never had--and I think I've never had--your sense of the ridiculous!


Shelly said...

"I absentmindedly run my hand over the top of my head, feel for bugs."

Oh, gosh, you are good. Still laughing!

Pearl said...

Simply, she IS thoughtful that way...

Dee Ready, I've seen that on your site and have thought more than once to buy it. :-) And I do enjoy the ridiculous, so I'm glad that's apparent!

Pearl said...

Shelly, :-)

Anonymous said...

Poor Dolly, banished to the porch. Go let her in quick before the madam wakes from her nap. So uh....ahem...what did she buy with your credit card?

Pearl said...

Delores, we'll have to wait and see. Hard to tell with a cat and their quirky senses of humor -- could be anything from Pat Boone's albums covering heavy metal songs to a cashmere throw...

Leenie said...

Oh, she knows where you sleep. Better find a more secure place to stash those cards and watch out for waking up with a feeling of suffocation and a weight on your chest.

Nezzy said...

Heeehehhe, banished to the porch you say? Credit card fraud is indeed a punishable crime!

I needed this great laugh I've had here this morinin'... what a fabulous write!

God bless and have yourself a sunshiny kinda day!!! :o)

R. Jacob said...

At least she lets you know what she has done, just before the delivery man shows.

bill lisleman said...

I can picture that cat staring at spot just above your head. Pearl you should stop wearing that tiara.
Have you seen the cat and the paper jam on youtube? (it needs the sound on)

Roses said...

Fingers crossed it's pretty and sparkly!

Anonymous said...

This reminds me that I need to figure out how to set myself a reminder to hide credit cards from The Girl in 6 years or so.

Camille said...

Shrimp - I'm sure the card was used to have shrimp delivered to your door...the good ones.

Daisy said...

Reading, it's so easy for me to picture Miss Lisa, black lips curling into a smile - and what a smile it is! I do hope whatever she bought for you with your own credit card, is nice!

jenny_o said...

I suspect Liza Bean bought you something she will be only too happy to borrow from you before you get a chance to use it :)

vanilla said...

Well, she is looking out for your best interests. No b-ball pools.

L-Kat said...

I'd be interested to see her March Madness picks!

laughingmom said...

Is she watching late night infomercials? That's a dangerous combination of cat with credit and "as seen on tv!"

esbboston said...

I felt your story was complete in the in way. Oh, Cats & Credit Cards!

fishducky said...

I sincerely hope she bought you something mice--I mean NICE!!

PS--Read Dee's book--it's wonderful!!

The Elephant's Child said...

Well. Don't leave us dangling. What gift with a sting in it's tail did she purchase for you?

Glen said...

cats are complete buggers - fact

Gigi said...

Oooh! I can't wait to see what special surprise the delivery man brings.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Honestly, I fear for your safety in regard to that cat, and with every Liza Bean Tale, my fear only grows.

Promise me next time, you WON'T bail her out of jail.

River said...

But...but...what did she buy you? I have to know! You can't keep me suspended...err, in suspense like this!

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Now that's a cat's tale if I ever heard one, a real finger Bitey...Pearl, you gotta know how good your conversations are with that cool cat! ":)
I really admire your style and ability to escape the scathing logic of Lisa Bean Bitey!

Jo-Anne's Rambling said...

So did she buy something useful or what come do tell or don't you know yet hope it isn't something that comes as a nasty shock.......lol

Cats they just can't be trusted...lol

Laoch of Chicago said...

A feline deserves all good things.

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

It's a wonderful world where cats talk instead of snub a body and where they actually are adept at online shopping using ANYBODY'S credit cards. I have trouble doing that!!!

the walking man said...

You do know Pearl, cats are not that hard to stew?

Argent said...

I'mm all agog to know what she used the credit card for - and what she bought you with your own money.

Pat said...

I can't decide which is the most adorable.
Do you have a favourite? Dolly or Liza?
Whisper - I won't tell.

Charlotte said...

Cats are worse than most children. But as a cat owner, I know they are just as easy to love.