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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

When You Realize that You Let the Money Go for the Wrong Reasons

Having chosen the Kansas Jayhawks to win this year’s NCAA Basketball Championship – and having watched their stunning loss to Virginia Commonwealth – Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers), is now flat broke.

“I thould never have wagered it all.”

I’ve walked into the kitchen, pre-dawn, to find her sitting at the kitchen table, blowing cigarette smoke out an open window. Seeing me, she nervously stubs the cigarette out.

From here I can see that she is using yet another of her souvenir ashtrays, this one shaped like Clearwater County (Headwaters of the Mighty Mississippi!).

How many times do I have to ask her not to smoke in the house?

But wait. Where are my manners? You remember Dolly Gee Squeakers, don’t you? When we last caught up with her, she was in this very spot, working on her March Madness basketball picks. A cross-eyed, Siamese mix with a penchant for Virginia Slims, WWE Smackdowns, and karaoke, Dolly has been with us for almost four years now.

And speaking of her karaoke, if you ever get a chance to run up to the Vegas Lounge on a Thursday night, you’ll want to get an early seat: her version of Peggy Lee’s “Fever” is legendary.

“Trouble?” I say. I don’t really have time in the morning to be of much help, but I like to give the impression of being there for the kitties.

“Me?” she says quietly. “No. I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“You don’t happen to have a couple buckth, do you?”

I frown. The look of worry on her face is touching, but since lending quite a large sum to someone who no longer returns my phone calls, I’ve adopted a strict hell-no policy on money-lending.

“No, sorry,” I say.

Her attention is momentarily diverted to a handful of sparrows alighting on the roof next door, and her jaw bounces as she chatters with desire, her bright blue eyes on them as they hop from shingle to shingle.


She turns. “Hmm?”

“You gonna be okay?”

“Hmm,” she says. Her eyes wander back to the sparrows, who flee in a burst of winged chaos. From her stool on the second floor, Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers, sighs.

“I’ve been a fool,” she says.

I stand still, mentally calculating the time left before I absolutely must leave for the bus. “How so?”

She shakes her head. “I let mythelf get dithtracted by the thingth I love. I thould’ve gone with my original method of determining who wath gonna win: big animalth beating thmaller animalth. Of courth Virginia’th Ramth were gonna beat the Jayhawkth.”

She fixes her blue eyes on me. “Theep are much bigger than birdth.”

A handful of birds land on the roof next door and hop down to the gutter, where they splash. She turns away from me to watch. “I jutht love the birdieth, you know?”

I consider my own recent money-losing venture. “We’re all suckers for something, aren’t we?” I say.

But Dolly is done talking. Her eyes on the birds, I watch her absentmindedly light up another cigarette, toss the spent match into the ashtray.

We’re all suckers for something.


powdergirl said...

Yeth, yeth we are : )

The Simple Dude said...

Dolly Gee and I have a lot in common, bracket wise. But frankly I am surprised she didn't take the Kentucky WILDCATS to win it all.

(can I get a rim shot?)


Pearl said...

powdergirl, :-)

Simple Dude, right?! I really should know more about basketball before I try to write this stuff. :-)

Simply Suthern said...

Theres a lot of talking heads out there wondering if they know anything about Basketball after this final four mix.

Dolly better learn ya dont bet money because your tummy says MMMMMMMMMMMM!!

becca said...

i don't know much about sports but i like the theory of the bigger animal beating the little one seems like a good thought.

Big Fat Gini said...

The only thing I know about March Madness is that interferes with my grandmother's soaps and she's usually ticked off over it. Good thing I'm not a betting woman...

Pearl said...

Simply, Dolly's a simple puss. :-)

becca, any time I'm asked to make "picks" I either go with the best-looking uniforms or by which names crack me up the most. For instance, I will always choose Tuberculosis (TB=Tampa Bay) to win...

BFG, you know more than I do!!

Oilfield Trash said...

Dolly I feel your pain. I actually thought of you as I watch the Jayhawks choke.

And my bracket was gone on the first weekend so I know how you feel.

Glen said...

I’m not sure Dolly and I would get on.
I feel our opinions would clash
If she walked into my bar wanting to sing classics she would be left wanting. I’d shake my head and insist that she sings “Meeeeeeeednight – not a thound from the pavement-ah”

Dolly would fix me a disgusted stare and accuse me of not being very original.
“OKAY” I’d say, “how about a bit of Tom Jones?”
“No way José – you’ll sing ‘What’s New Pussycat’ and like it!”

At this point Dolly would be losing patience but I would hold steady. There would be a bit of a stand off.
Dolly would offer me Love-shack and I’d offer her Love-cats.

We would get nowhere. I would not be prepared to relax my rules about animals singing only relevant songs on my stage. Why would I allow such frivolity in my high class Karaoke bar?

At last, Dolly would fix me a tired look, shrug her shoulders and tell me my bar is crap anyway, before heading off to KFC.

I’d shrug my shoulders and pass the mike to Big Bird so that he can hum ‘The Birdie Song’, choking back the humiliated tears of indignity that were being forced upon him (he would have asked for Christina’s ‘Beautiful’), while I laugh and occasionally throw birdseed at him.

There is no place in my heart for talented pets.

Cake Betch said...

I have a feeling Dolly is going to be okay. Those birds are always going to come back around eventually.

Pearl said...

OT, Oh, I really like that. :-)

Glen, well done, sir! :-) Dolly is a forgiving and somewhat forgetful cat, however, and would no doubt be back in a couple days.

Pearl said...

Cake Betch, I think a touch of tuna would set her right. She has a delightfully short memory.

Bossy Betty said...

A little catnip and the pain goes away....

vanilla said...

So, then. Dolly would say my Bulldogs are in trouble because theepth are bigger than dogth?

But tenacity, Kitty, tenacity!

kittenthunder said...

Those birds in the gutter...they'll never let you down.

Pearl said...

Bossy, oh, she'll be hittin' the nip, I can almost guarantee it. Either that or that dang piece of yarn she keeps hauling out.

vanilla, I'm afraid tho.

kittenthunder, Dolly could stare at the birdies for HOURS.

Day 2 Day Living said...

Poor Dolly! She just wants to have a little fun with the flying birds!
However her thought process on big animals beating little animals is spot on!

Kelley said...

I am just laughing out loud that Dolly had so much to say! Dolly is so wise!

lisleman said...

I wonder how many picks are made based on the mascots. I've bet on ponies based on their names.
Hey lady you're going to be a hit in the cartoon world. You just watch.

Douglas said...

Does Dolly Gee have any stock market picks she wants to share?

Eva Gallant said...

At least Dolly G. uses an ashtray! Our cat Zerox had a total disregard for such niceties and burned a large hole in the arm of his recliner!

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Oh,Dolly is so beautiful! Beauty AND brains! So rare to find both. She'll bounce back quickly from her despair, I am sure.

Friko said...

Your blog really shouldn't be allowed.
Are there any records on the number of people who have died laughing?

As for Dolly, hasn't she heard that you get cancer from smoking?

The Jules said...

Cats liking basketball. It's ridiculous and far-fetched Pearl.

Everyone knows they're addicted to Lacrosse.

laughingmom said...

Dolly Gee should have picked VCU - Go RAMS!!!

Linda O'Connell said...

By golly Miss Dolly, you sure know how to have fun!

Belle said...

I'm not allowed to smoke in the house either! I also bet on my favorites instead of who might win. (fantasy golf)

Susan in the Boonies said...

Poor Dolly!! There'th one born every minute.


Crystal Pistol said...

Brilliant! I particularly enjoy the part where Dolly realizes she's been a fool. The hard moments in life will evolve her into The Cat she was always meant to be. Keep on keepin' on, Dolly.

hoodyhoo said...

"Theep are bigger than birdth." That cat is DEEP.

Mother Mayhem said...

Dolly Dearest... I'm not one to bet, but you should root for the Kentucky Wildcats. ;o)

I bleed BLUE, you see. :o)

You bear a striking resemblance to my kitty Fuzz-Fuzz the Surly. May he rest in peace.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I think it's safer to bet on the lottery than on the NCAA playoffs.

Pat said...

Does she bring you prethenth of the birdth she loveth?

ThreeOldKeys said...

My senior cat does not care for basketball anymore. Too bad; he sure knows how to dribble. Yeah, yeah, he's a bench warmer too. And foul trouble? Don't get me started.

He stopped making picks a few years ago and now prefers March Apathy.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! She's still smoking in the house? After you QUIT?! Evil, every last feline one of them. Did you suggest menthols to her? Indigo.