Ladies and gentlemen, the end of the week arriveth, and the excitement is palpable. Will the downstairs neighbors continue in their scrumptious offerings of home-made treats? Will the cat upstairs ever stop screaming? Will my supply of tequila hold out?
And what about Naomi?
For answers to this and much, much more, let us consult the iPod, shall we?
As I do every Friday, I cling to the idea that the morning’s playlist during my commute has prophetic portents.
Welcome, one and all, to today’s episode of Bring Me a Rock, a mid-level office-drone game designed to mesmerize, stun, and/or transfix the lucky player into a state of bloodshot hypnosis.
Which, if you ask me, is the only way to work full-time.
What’s that? You want to play, too? Oh, you adorably foolish little worker bee. Come. Sit here, next to me. No, no, no; there’s no need to bring your brain. Let’s set that in my lunch bag, next to the jello there. Your brain isn’t green, is it? Good. Then there will be no chance that we’ll mix those two up later…
You’re going to need some things. Firstly, and foremostly, you’re going to need a spreadsheet. Let’s use mine, shall we? See how there are 3000-some lines? We’re going to sort it: first by work group, then by sales rep, then we’re going to cross-reference it by toothpick vs. floss preference.
And now, we’re going to run through it, line by line, looking for mis-matched information.
Scroll! Scroll, my pretties!
Wheee! The data just flies by! We’re going to have this done in just a -- Hold on there. What was that? Back up.
Nope. Sorry. My mistake. Scroll on.
Hey. Look away from the screen quick, then look back and blink your eyes open and closed really fast. Isn’t that funny? Spreadsheet strobelight. Don’t let HR catch you doing that, though.
Hey. You keep scrolling through the data, and I’m gonna flick the lights in the office off and on really fast. Do you think anyone would notice if we YouTubed a little Ted Nugent? Seriously, wouldn’t Stranglehold sound really good right now?