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Thursday, February 16, 2012

I'm Not Buying That Cat Sake Anymore

A re-post, for those of you who've not much background on Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys). This is one of the first full-blown stories I wrote about her, back in 2008 I believe it was, and is based on my own experience with a woman who told me to "go back to where I came from". Enjoy!


Saturday was Liza Bean Bitey’s birthday. My son spent much of Friday night abusing me for knowing such a thing – I should’ve never sent her a birthday card! – but how could I have not? She wrote it on the calendar months ago.

So we set our differences aside, Liza Bean and I, and went out for sushi. You know, you get a couple of glasses of sake in her, and that cat is hilarious!

Of course, there’s a fine line between enough sake and too much, but before the fist fight, we had a great time.

Wait – if you don’t have thumbs, is it still considered a “fist”?

We over-ordered, naturally. We both adore sushi, and it had been so long, with the scariness of the stock markets, the upcoming election in the U.S., etc., but how often does a kitty turn three?

Exactly.

What a great evening. By tacit agreement, no mention was made of the late-night calls from Kuala Lumpur or of the strange notebook (all in French, for some reason) I found hidden in the basement. If Liza is a spy or a smuggler of some sort, we both felt it prudent to pretend to forget, if only for the evening. Why ruin a good time?

Liza can’t hold her liquor, though. Oh, she thinks she can, but she started to slur her words half-way through the first bottle and in short order had her head in her paws, bemoaning the state of airline security.

“Take off your shoes,” she muttered. “Yeah, right.” She fixes her bright green eyes on me. “Do I look like I’m wearin’ shoes to you?”

She shakes her head in disgust and the bell on her dress collar – the one with the pink faux-diamonds on it – jingles merrily.

It is at this time that the man at the table next to us determines that our conversation, such as it is, is his business.

“Hey,” he says to Liza Bean, leaning into the space between the tables. “If you don’t like it, why don’t you go back to where you came from?”

“What?” Liza says, focusing on him. She frowns, looks at me, then back at him. “What did you just say?”

The man pauses. Hadn’t the cat seemed to have an accent just moments ago? He decides to stand his ground.

“You heard me,” he says. “If you don’t like it, you should go back to where you came from.”

Liza sits up on her back legs, placing both paws on the table in front of her. The end of her tail twitches dangerously.

“Back to where I came from?” she purrs. “You want me to go back to Brainerd, is that it? Maybe you” – and she jabs the gracefully curved claw of her right paw toward the man – “want to go back to Brainerd, too?”

And with that, she leaps.

What ensues is a melee of yowling and shouting, the sound of breaking glass and overturned chairs as restaurant patrons scramble out of the way of the belligerent man with a drunken, hissing cat clinging to his shoulders, clawing at his head.

I stand, down the last of the sake, and motion to our server for the check.

The police were called, of course; and I was forced to use the money I’d been saving for a flat-screen TV to bail her out.

I could've let her sit until Monday, but it was, after all, her birthday.

There’s another restaurant we can’t go to anymore.

Oh, well. Happy Birthday, Liza Bean Bitey.

40 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Lesson learned....keep your claws sharp and stand up for yourself. Good on ya Liza Bean. If I'd been there I would have held him down for you.

Sausage Fingers said...

Yikes...the list of eateries is getting shorter and shorter. Good luck.
If I had a dollar for every time some hillbilly told me to go back where I came from I would be able to buy you that TV, now my answer to the statement is this - go back to where I came from! well I just came from your mommas....well you know the rest
Cheers, Sausage...

Pearl said...

Delores, agreed. Silence in the face of stupidity is unwarranted.

Sausage, isn't it amazing, when people say that? Oddly enough, the person who said it to me picked the only natural-born American at a table full of Russian and Ukrainians. I was absolutely furious, but the rest of the table found it hilarious.

Glen said...

funny, of course, but more interesting to see just how much your writing style has developed, grown and polished since then.
You were good then - and you've only got better

esbboston said...

When I saw your blog post title I was confused, thinking, hmm, isn't sake made by fermenting and distilling rice?

Tom G. said...

Clearly you both need to start frequenting a better class of establishment.

Mr. Charleston said...

I think I once dated Liza Bean in high school. We got thrown out of a restaurant that night to. Or was it a saloon? Can't remember. But boy I sure remember the rest of the evening, especially the sun coming up in the morning on the beach.

Thanks for coming by my place Pearl. Don't be a stranger now, you heah?

Pearl said...

Glen, I was thinking the same thing. :-) When I go back that far, I see all kinds of ways my writing has changed.

esb, yes. Yes, it is.

Tom, the weird thing is that both places are actually high-end, not cheap in the least. That's what made the original experience so strange.

Mr. Charleston, she still refers to you. :-)

esbboston said...

I agree with Glen. Your writing has improved, I would guess eXactly 1.37 percent. But isn't that below the rate of inflation, so what would the net effect?

Mom of 12 said...

So awesome that you were published!
Maybe someday it will be me.
Sandy

Laraine Eddington said...

That's why I never pick fights with drunk cats.

Linda Sue said...

Not only do I LOVE YOU I absolutely LURF you1 Your writing totally makes getting through the day a lark! Slicing my thumb ( hidden knife in the the suds) tripping over the pooch - making him cry (something about his broken paw),accidently murdering a sleeping husband (oops!)...these things don't even get me down having read your wonderful blog...I am set to lark through the rest of my life- thank you,Dear Pearl of girl!

Pearl said...

esb, you're hired!!

Mom of 12, self-publication is a beautiful thing. :-)

Laraine, or cats, period! :-) Little buggers.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

You know, having BEEN to Brainerd a couple of times myself, I can see why Liza would not really be content there, what with her being a well connected social being and all. But I can totally see why she'd take a kill there. I mean have you seen all that open space up there? Have you?

Pearl said...

Linda Sue, how wonderful!! (Well, not the sliced thumb, or the broken dog paw, or the accidental homicide... Hmmm...)

I'm so glad you like it. :-)

Pearl said...

VA, I actually lived in Brainerd for almost a full year, as a child. Had I stayed in that town, my life would've been dramatically different. The one town, in all the moves that we made, that I truly disliked -- and the only place where I was actually bullied. Yeesh.

bill lisleman said...

Best cat fight story I've read in a long time. Truthfully it might be the first cat fight story I've read. Could this be a new genre?

JeannetteLS said...

I'm in love ... sigh... Smiley is taken. How can I not love any cat who fights back at stupidity? AND has a jaunty bell on her dress collar.
It's okay. I shall muddle on alone...

Susan in the Boonies said...

I've told you before:

you are far, far too lenient with that cat.

This will not end well.

Mark my words.

fishducky said...

Tom G. said...
Clearly you both need to start frequenting a better class of establishment.

What I'm wondering is, would they let Liza Bean in???

esbboston said...

&^)

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

This is hilarious, AGAIN. You write so well! I do hope you visit Incoming Bytes sometime. Maybe some of that writing genius will rub off! ":) ~R

Ms Sparrow said...

After reading about Liza Bean's birthday, I sat down with my geriatric cat, Tweedy and asked her, "How come you never do anything that I can blog about?" She flicked her tail in annoyance and said haughtily, "It's low class to say 'How come', it's more proper to say 'Why'." Then she elevated one hind leg and started cleaning her bottom. Sigh... I can never win an argument with that cat!

jenny_o said...

The question I would ask is: If Liza Bean had been with you when YOU were told to go back to where you came from, would she have launched herself and her many pointy ends at THAT person? That would be something worth knowing too :)

Steve Bailey said...

I dont know bout the rest of you... but that cat sounds lovely....
And exciting....
And in need of medication?

Linda O'Connell said...

Cats and dumbasses, you can't tame them. I like cats.

Eva Gallant said...

Thanks for reposting this. I didn't start blogging until 2009, so I hadn't read this! Hilarious, once again!

Jenn Jilks said...

Nothing better than laughter, with cats, sushi and sake!
Cheers from Cottage Country!

jabblog said...

Perhaps Liza Bean would be better off sipping white wine?

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

I am totally intrigued with how your mind works, Pearl. You come up with the best spin on stories. I can completely visualize you and Liza in a sushi restaurant.
Rosemary

Daisy said...

"... a drunken, hissing cat"! Images abound!! :-D

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Naturally one wonders, if Liza Bean gets too drunk and throws up, does she throw up hair balls or something else?

The Elephant's Child said...

Liza Bean rocks. And I suspect the felines who share/control my life have been taking lessons.

esbboston said...

Brainerd of Fargo the movie?

Belle said...

Did you also scratch up the woman who told you to "go back where you came from,"?

HermanTurnip said...

This is the reason why I fell in love with your blog. I can now enter the weekend with a smile on my face....

Pat said...

Do you think - maybe she's mellowing a bit these days?

R. Jacob said...

I like the fact that you finished the sake and then called for the check! Waste not.
I think it could be called a cat fight, even though there was only one cat?
I knew there had to be a beginning to the cat tale.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

All your posts are great, but the ones about Liza Bean are da bomb. What an imagination!

Kristy said...

My kind of girl and my kind of evening. Loved it!