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Thursday, August 11, 2011

Where is Marlon Perkins When You Need Him? or Anyone Else Need to Use the Ladies'?

There are a number of things that I know for sure, and this is one of them.

In some bars, the women’s bathroom is no place for the unwary, but with a few helpful pointers, you'll be back to your table and shouting at your friends in no time.

First thing to remember? Odds are good that everyone in said bathroom is drunk.

Second thing to remember? Because they are drunk, any issues the occupants of aforementioned bathroom have with themselves, their liquor, their boyfriends, people who use words like “aforementioned” or people who look just like you are likely to come out.

Let me give you an example.

It’s somewhere around midnight when you enter the bathroom of your local drinking establishment, and you are one cheerful, friendly SOB. The unsteady and unsmiling woman staring at herself in the mirror over one of the two sinks in the room closes one eye so as to get a more accurate look at you and says bitterly, “Well, don’t you look pleased with yourself”.

Do you:
A. Confide that you’ve recently lost 10 pounds.
B. Tell her to mind her own business.
C. Tell her the men’s bathroom is down the hall.
D. Get out fast and don’t look back.

The answer is D: get out fast and don’t look back.

But wait! you exclaim. I haven’t washed my hands!

This is true. You’ve not washed your hands. I suggest you either hit up any woman with a purse for the Purell she’s surely carrying or keep your fingers out of your mouth for the rest of the evening because you, my friend, may have just encountered a Swamp Heifer.

And she is one thoroughly dangerous and unpredictable beast.

Don’t let the title fool you. The "Swamp Heifer" inhabits all regions of the world, not just the swamps, and she doesn’t always have the girth – or the intellect – of a heifer.

But what, exactly, are we looking for when watching for the wild Swamp Heifer?

  • Confusing but true, Swamp Heifers are either dramatically overweight or pathetically under-weight and often travel in pairs. Like the tiny African birds that live on the backs of the much larger hippopotamus, the smaller Swamp Heifers often do the bidding of the larger ones and, presumably, keep them free of ticks.
  • A Swamp Heifer is always drunk.
  • A Swamp Heifer does not have a discriminating palate insofar as her drinks are concerned. Just keep ‘em cheap and ‘em keep coming.
  • A Swamp Heifer’s clothing will eventually come off during the course of the night, whether it appears to be on purpose or not. This includes pants that fall enough in the back to reveal a thong (also known as a “whale tail”), a shirt’s shoulder that falls down to reveal more skin than is palatable, or shoes that are removed and left under a table somewhere so she can dance barefoot.
  • A Swamp Heifer’s dancing style consists primarily of raising one arm above her head and shouting “Wooooooooooooooooo!” This is usually accompanied by pseudo-stripper moves that have nothing to do with the beat and everything to do with her plans for the evening/future employment aspirations.
  • A Swamp Heifer is always loud. Whether ordering another drink, screaming “I love this song! It’s about me!’ or announcing at ear-splitting decibels that she’s “gotta pee”, there’s no concern that a Swamp Heifer will go unnoticed.
  • Swamp Heifers are often missing teeth. Whether as a result of meth use or a lack of dental insurance, it’s hard to say, but it seems to have no effect on her ability to attract her male counterpart…
  • A Swamp Heifer is looking to get laid or fight. No man, no line into the bathroom is safe. A Swamp Heifer without a boyfriend is on the prowl and will be giving away lap-dances right after her next shot. A Swamp Heifer with a boyfriend is a jealous woman who assumes the worst at all times. As a matter of fact, the man you stood next to at the bar for a full two minutes while you ordered a beer, the one you didn’t notice? That was her man, and she’s going to be coming at you later in the evening.
Which brings us back to the bathrooms…

And, now that I think about it, one of the reasons that women sometimes travel in pairs.



52 comments:

Bodacious Boomer said...

Swamp Heifer! I love that; and it's sooo true.

Pearl said...

Bodacious, they're everywhere!

Shelly (La Tejana) said...

Swamp Heifers- that sounds like a reality show to me-

Joshua said...

And when guys are at the bar and drunk, they talk loudly, yell, and fight. I guess it's a good thing I drink alone at home.

That doesn't sound right...

Pearl said...

Shelly, I think it already is but it's called Jersey Shore...

Joshua, it's okay. You're among friends here. :-)

Leenie said...

And THAT is why I carry Purell in my purse.

Pearl said...

Leenie, that's why we likes ya. You're always thinking. :-)

haphazardlife said...

Swamp Heifer! Whale tail!

That's freaking brilliant, and hysterically funny.

And, less hilariously, oh, so true.

George said...

The swamp heifer heard never seems to thin out, they are every place I go.

Pearl said...

haphazard, I cannot take credit for the Swamp Heifer. :-) The term was coined by my friend Kathy's father, Paul.

George, true! In some places, I'm afraid the herd is actually getting larger...

Scarlet Blue said...

Oh, I think we have them in the UK as well... they have corn beef textured thighs over here.
I wish they'd wear tights.
Sx

Audubon Ron said...

It may be that my only real achievement in life at age 55 is I never contracted not one STD.

Vinny C said...

Visiting the local bar is like a trip to a wildlife preserve. Except the animals in the bar are a bit scarier.

jenny_o said...

Excellent description of a species we could do without!

I would venture that Swamp Heifers are hatched in high school bathrooms. At a young age they don't even need to drink to be obnoxious and offensive.

Urgh. I remember one. I found another bathroom for the rest of that year.

savannah said...

THIS is why i've stopped going to bars, sugar! i'm old and have no patience and i ain't doin time for beatin a heifer about the head for actin a fool! and also, the wine is better at my house! :) xoxoxoxo

powdergirl said...

Not quite the same, but in Churchill I met the ultimate in terrifying SH's. Two massive, like 300 lbs, aboriginal women. They were hot knifing hash, off butcher knives, over a tiger torch, while seated on the restroom floor.
The bar I foolishly worked in had a strict no drugs policy, we staff were to intervene immediately that we even thought anyone had any kinda illegal narcs.
I declined to intervene. I even declined to pee, though I damn near pee'd my pants anyway.

I like how your take on this subject. I do not care for the Swamp Heifer.

Simply Suthern said...

They need a brand that can be seen only under the black light at the entrance so they can be cut from the rest of the herd.

Ruthibelle said...

lmao. My goodness, but you HAVE got this one pegged!!! Accurate to the last letter, I say!

R. Jacob said...

The whale tale? how about the tramp stamp tattoo! This might be why I don't go out that much any more at night.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

It would be funnier if it wasn't so close to real life. Never leave home without your cattle prod.

Bossy Betty said...

Who you callin' a Swamp Heifer? Well, don't you look pleased with yourself?

jabblog said...

You're revealing a whole new world to me, Pearl;-)
Grubby thongs are the worst - and that's just the part that's visible.

jabblog said...

ps: I think I have the strongest bladder in the world - I NEVER use public lavatories.

vanilla said...

Having never had cause to use the women's room, I could personally not comment. Beautiful, however, validates this, says there is a lot of truth in it. And we both got a good laugh.

Douglas said...

I have never met a Swamp Heifer in a bar... though I have managed to wake up next to one from time to time in my youth. Are they like a reverse werewolf?

Betty Davis said...

Which just goes to show you are never too old to learn something new. I now have added Swamp Heifer and Whale tail to my "I didn't know that list"

Doubting Thomas said...

Swamp Heifer... excellent! I think my ex-wife a closeted one. She did have all of her teeth, though. Guard your appendages - they're biters!

Jhon Baker said...

I've encountered this swamp heifer before and I agree - RUN!

Casey Freeland said...

Wow, I hope you got her number, because she sounds awe-sum! Nevermind, I'll just go to the bar tonight and introduce myself. Whatta find!

Great post, as always.

Cheers,

Casey

Nessa Roo said...

I wonder if I am a swamp heifer? Surely not. I've never, ever WOOOWWWooOOO-ed in my life.

Eva Gallant said...

Absolute brilliance, Pearl! You have the Swamp Heifer down to a T! What a great post!

Bouncin' Barb said...

OMG, This is hysterical. I now know I've met the Swamp Heifer before and never knew it. Thankfully, I escaped unscathed!!!!

Crystal Pistol said...

You're Jersey Shore comment slays me! So true! The worst part is they barely understand the the concept of contraception so they just keep BREEDING!

You are a funny chick.

Roses said...

And she gets laid?

Now that's just not fair.

Yeah, I hate public lavs in bars. The floor is always wet and there's toilet paper strewn everywhere. ugh.

PS. Unfortunately, I've also made her acquaintance before.

Little Miss Sarcastic said...

Another enlightening life lesson, Peal!

I believe the Swap Heifer trait is genetic. I went to school with a few and met their parents.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

My, Pearl, but you seem to be spending a lot of time in bars lately.

I know, I know. You are just there to observe.

Leslie said...

Ah...you should write the bar-population version of "Queen Bees and Wannabes"...

Pat Tillett said...

I think they hang around with an opposite, to try and not attract their friends "type." But then again, any type is their type. I admit to having run afoul of a couple of these ladies in a previous life.

Gigi said...

Pearl, you kill me! You paint a very vivid, and accurate, description. Unfortunately, they seem to be EVERYWHERE lately and not just at the bar.

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

I'm still laughing. You paint such a vivid picture of the dreaded Swamp Heifer!

Mamma has spoken said...

Hence why I don't drink in public any more....

Vapid Vixen said...

Oh god! They've infiltrated Salt Lake City as well. At least now the wretched beasts have a name.

Lazarus said...

Finally Pearl, some real insights about the Ladies Room from a woman, much appreciated! And I had never heard of the "whale tail" before but it's a perfect fit, thanks for the new phrase, I'll be using it soon, I'm sure. Loved this post!

HermanTurnip said...

Let me guess. Is their mating call "I'm soooo drunk!"?

Jimmy said...

I would normally advise a quick head butt to the bridge of the nose by way of a response, however ladies having more decorum it may be better to hold on until you get home for a wee.

W.C.Camp said...

Wow these sound just like the congregation members of my church?? Voodoo is just not as wholesome and fun as it used to be but at least the dancing sounds the same!! W.C.C.

Sarah Has Moxie said...

Hey Pearl, did you happen to grab my shoes before leaving last night? I think I left them under the table somewhere ;)

God I miss you! :)
Sarah

Pat said...

According to our news bulletins they are prevalent in some of our inner cities. Alas:(

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Round these parts, the Swamp Heifers sometimes drink with their daughters - the Swamp Heifer Jrs.
Klassy! With a K! lol. Great post.

Susan in the Boonies said...

A woman liquored up and ready to rumble is not who I want peering at me malevolently in the bathroom of a bar.

I think you've hit on the reason we women tend to travel in pairs.

Safety first!

(But really, as funny as your post is in one way, it makes me sad in another way.)

Macy said...

Super scarey Pearl - and here's the bad news, entire inner cities can get jammed with them come closing time....

Kelley said...

I am laughing out loud over here! Love, love, love it! And who needs to wash their hands? Germs rule!