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Friday, July 29, 2011

So A Bear Walks into A Party...

Another week has gone by. For some of us, the passing of days has been a painful process akin to slogging through a boot-sucking marsh, while for others the days have slid by as if on ice.

If only we knew what the weekend held! Is this the weekend we finally clean that fridge out? Match up that pile of socks? Drink a bottle of cough syrup just to see what all the fuss is about?

Quickly, people, to the iPod! For my iPod, set on “shuffle” and played during my morning’s commute, holds the pseudo-answers to all my faux-problems.

Shhh. Let’s listen:

Ask Her for Adderall by The Hold Steady
L.O.V. by Fitz & The Tantrums
Don’t Sit Down ‘Cause I’ve Moved Your Chair by Arctic Monkeys
Get Up by Heiruspecs
Jungle Love by The Steve Miller Band
Better Way by Ben Harper
Walking in Rhythm by The Blackbyrds
Demolition Man by The Police
Kick Drum Heart by The Avett Brothers

What’s it all mean? Prescription drugs should take care of what ails you. Don’t sit down, get up. That jungle love? Gotta be a better way. Walking in rhythm after that demolition man? Follow your kick drum heart.

Sigh.

And now, as alluded to the other day, the story of Mary and the bear.

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” she says.

“Rahr?”

“Sorry,” Mary says. “It’s nothing personal. We just don’t allow bears in the living room.”

And it was true. Mary and Jon don't normally allow bears, but over there, hogging the stereo, there was no bout a doubt it, as my father likes to say. That guy was definitely a bear; and frankly, he’d pretty much worn out his welcome.

I mean, a whole hour’s worth of Zeppelin?

MAN. Just what year did this guy go to sleep, anyway?

“ROWR!” shouts the bear. “RRRRar ar arrr rawr.”

“Oh, I hear ya, buddy,” she says, “I fell off a bar stool once and they practically threw me into the parking lot.” She comes as close as she can to putting her arm around him, tries to steer him toward the door. “This is not that, so don’t get the wrong idea. I mean, hell, I don’t care how much you’ve had to drink, either, but you see that guy over there?”

Mary points across the party to Jon, who is busy drawing a diagram of the firing sequence for a 2004 Saturn on an eviscerated paper bag.

“Rahr?” the bear says cautiously.

“Welllll,” she says, bobbing her head and grimacing slightly, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but Jon’s not down with people and animals drinking from the same cup, if ya know what I mean.”

“Rahr rahr-rahr,” the bear points out.

Mary holds up her hands. “The dog’s different,” she says. “T-Bone lives with us.”

“ROWR!”

“I am not!,” she shouts, her Irish up. “I got a wild side just like everyone else! But this is for your own good, buddy! Time to go!”

And with that, she reaches into her jacket, pulls out one of those plastic, bear-shaped honey dispensers.

“ROWR!” The bear rears up on his hind legs, opens his mouth and "ROWR"s loudly. The party stops, momentarily, all faces on the bear.

How was Mary to have known that the bears find those honey containers offensive?

“ROWR! RAAAHR AAR!” The bear heads toward the fridge, no doubt to snag yet another of the pale ales he’s been stealing from me all night.

“Mary?” Jon calls.

She waves him off, irritably. “I got this,” she says. “You just go back to drawing whatever…” she trails off as she heads into the kitchen.

“Br’er Bear, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” She lights a cigarette, blows the hit toward the bear. They hate that, you know. “You start heading toward the exit or I’ll be forced to put some cigarette-cherry shaped dents in that nice spring-time coat you’re workin’ on.”

The bear looks down at his belly, looks back up. “Rahr rahr-rahr rahr?”

“Sure,” Mary says. She turns to me. “You don’t care, do ya? If he takes one for the road?”

I shake my head wearily.

MAN but I hate when bears come to parties.

37 comments:

George said...

If they're a happy drunk I don't mind them so much.

Glen said...

bloody bears - they get everywhere. We had an Impala come to a BBQ once and absolutely killed the mood.

I hate Impalas

Pearl said...

George, I think it depends on the time of year...

Glen, you know, come to think of it, don't think I've ever seen an impala at a party. Now why do you suppose that is?

Simply Suthern said...

Seems maybe your honey fermented a bit. LOL

Hospitable Scots Bachelor said...

I'm hoping it's the week-end that I meet the "love of my life". Send out a good thought for me Pearl!!!

Rob-bear said...

If that's how you feel, I guess I won't be coming to any of your parties. We Bears know when we're not welcome.
Of course, that won't stop us from coming in and causing havoc, if we feel like it. I can do that pretty quickly, if I set my mind to it.
Come to think of it, now that I've got your address, I may just come and CRASH your next get-together.
ROWR! Raa AAR! Growl. Snarl! GRRRR?

Pearl said...

SS, oh, I can only hope. ;-)

HSB, I've got my fingers crossed for you!

Rob-Bear, well this is awkward... The Summer Party is just around the corner and primarily held in teh backyard -- what say we let bygones be bygones and you pop in for a bit of mead and some berries? No more Zeppelin, though, please. :-) ROWR!

Tom G. said...

Rahr. Rahr-rahr, rahr? RAHR!

Pearl said...

Tom, Hey! You have to take a plate at a party, you can't just stand there in front of the buffet table!! (And yes, thank you; I DID make the taco dip...)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Okay, first things first, what the heck is in that pale ale you drink and how many have you had? Apparently the bear didn't take quite as many as he should have.
Bears aren't bad at a party..just watch out for the fur balls.

ellen abbott said...

OMG, an hour of Zeppelin? No wonder you booted his ass out. we knew this couple once, he played the guitar (sort of) and when they would get junked up all night it was 'Laaaaarry, play StairwayTo Heaven'. I mean, I like Zeppelin as much as the next guy but Stairway To Heaven all night?

Oilfield Trash said...

Now I have Jungle Love in my head for the weekend.

SeaD said...

HA! That was a good one, Pearl! I love your i-Pod shuffle. Mine doesn't have quite the selection as yours, so I use Pandora when I get tired of my same old tunes. Thank you so much for the morning laugh.

Pearl said...

Delores, they're not that bad -- until they start in with the Zeppelin all night...

ellen, I could personally go the rest of my life without hearing Stairway to Heaven again!

OT,is it driving ya mad, makin' ya crazy (crazy)?

Pearl said...

SeaD, stop by any time! :-) Look out for the bear!

Drake Sigar said...

Why does the bear talk like Frankenstein's monster?

R. Jacob said...

just a darn minute missy, only an hour of Led Zeplin?

Leauxra said...

At least it wasn't an otter. They play Whitney Houston until your ears bleed.

Pearl said...

Drake, I don't know what bears YOU're hangin' out with, but bears in Minnesota really do sound Frankensteinish...

R. Jacob, they have their time, there's no doubt...

Leauxra, is that right? Man, I could NOT handle that! (Makes the bear seem almost reasonable, doesn't it?)

Eva Gallant said...

I want to know: Is there a connection between Jungle Love on your Ipod and the bear at the party??

jenny_o said...

Chortling happily over this post! Love the confused bear. Love it all. And then with the comments. Pearl, your blog is such a bright spot!

Susan in the Boonies said...

While I enjoyed YOUR unwelcome guest story, I do feel that RobBear showing up in the Comments was also an enjoyably awkward moment.

Fun post, Pearl!

Pearl said...

Eva, ooh, food for thought!

Jenny-O, :-) That's all I got for you: a big smile. :-)

Susan, it was, as my mother likes to say, a co-inky-dink. And I do love a good co-inky-dink!

Scarlet Blue said...

Now then, Pearl have you been watching THIS, late at night before going to sleep?
Sx

Bouncin' Barb said...

Bears are moody!!! Love your post and the best song has got to be Jungle Love!!!!

jenny_o said...

Scarlet Blue, funny!!

Joshua said...

CLASSIC! That was great.

And on that note, this shirt...

CarrieBoo said...

Brilliant, Pearl. :D

Pat said...

I love your Dad- no bout a doubt it:)

mrwriteon said...

It's 'unbearable'. Sorry, but it's a slow day in my mind.

Douglas said...

I am appalled at the bearism in your post. Bears are great at parties and hardly ever cause trouble unless someone tries to hog the donuts. I am unhappy to report, however, that I only recognized two bands in your iPod list. I would have preferred some Led Zepplin myself. I saw them in concert... twice, in two days.Or maybe once but I thought it was twice or maybe it was once and I almost got to the concert the second night but the driver took LSD and we got miserably (or was it happily?) lost somewhere in Pasadena.

It was a long time ago... And I wasn't even sure back then.

GYPSYWOMAN said...

oh, what a bear-ry neat story, lady! ;)

aBroad said...

I don't have any problem with the bears, it is those wimmen they bring with them ! Jeez, where do they find them ??

W.C.Camp said...

That bear makes suspiciously similar comments to that of Scooby Do ... could it be? W.C.C.

River said...

One more reason why I don't do parties.

Bushman said...

Pearl I woder where in the heck do you come up with this stuff. I love it. I would have guessed the honey bear would have been easy money on a drunk bear but you know. You should have asked him why I'm the only one who can prevent forest fires. C'mon there are millions of us and he leaves it up to me?

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

The "bear" could easily be a pseudonym for a guy I know. Same vocabulary, same inability to leave on time, etc. But I don't think this guy has an aversion to plastic honey bottles, and he likes the smokes. Must be a different bear.