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Sunday, July 10, 2011

My Theory on Age, Weight Gain in Women, and the Health Benefits of Swimming

Oh, you’re gonna love this because, well, let’s see now, I’ve been working on it for a good 30, 45 minutes and I’m pretty sure I’ve got it nailed.

You ready?

Here it is.

The reason women so easily gain weight as they get older – and no, I’m not talking about me! or you, for that matter! – is that once they reach a certain age, the Tribe, whoever the Tribe may be, realizes that said woman is no longer bearing children, has slowed down a bit, and has accumulated enough knowledge so as to be a pain in the hairy backside of whoever is running this here outfit.

At some point, she will be lured out toward the frozen coast, where she will be set adrift on an awaiting chunk of ice..

The extra poundage? It’s to give her a fighting chance of getting off that iceberg.

All of this occurred to me on the bus the other morning when a rude, lanky young man pushed past me with all the indolent sneering of one who has yet to contemplate his own mortality.

He’s not aware of it, but I suspect that in the back of his tiny, wrinkled brain, there is an ice floe with my name on it.

It’s just a theory.

Now if you’ll excuse me – and should anyone need me – I will be hiding in the elevator bank, lying in wait for the pink-cheeked young things working their way up the corporate ladder.

They’re younger than I am, but they’re soft and they’re naive.

And I’ve been training for this for years.

Because before they lure me toward the open water?

I’m gonna get their lunch.

48 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

You go girl!! Don't forget to check out the fridge in the cafeteria where they store their lunches.

Pearl said...

Delores, making a note now... :-)

Leslie said...

I dislike "lol". So I'll say it this way: I laughed. Out loud.

I too have cross-hairs on the pink, young-things. Wisdom before beauty, I always say.

Also? Sometimes I try to remind my body...with the spoken word...that we're done bearing children. We don't need to store fat anymore. So far, it hasn't listened.

Drake Sigar said...

Don’t be so paranoid, that almost never happens these days.

Daisy said...

They might be full of rude self-confidence, but we are smarter, more experienced, and know what really matters ... like lunch. Calls to mind that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes ... TOWANDA!!!!

Kavi said...

A man pushed you in a bus ? In your bus ? How in the name of God did that happen ?

But i like your theory ! :)

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I love this so hard.
Discovery Health has a new show called "Are you Fitter than a Senior". It pits what they call in 5ks 'Master Class' (aka 55+) athletes against twentysomethings. The commercials are hilarious.
The Master Class is not to be trifled with. In every 5k I ever did, half of the top 25 came from them. I think it takes that long to learn to pace yourself correctly.

Dazee Dreamer said...

I like your way of thinking. :)

savannah said...

you know, many a sweet young thing has tripped as they've pushed/walked/teetered on stilettos past me...must be my RLS that keeps putting my old fat foot out in front of them, sugar! xxoxoox

IndigoWrath said...

Try to get some wet-thumbed wedgies in, too.

Not that I need to tell you.

Oilfield Trash said...

That is actually a pretty good theory.

GYPSYWOMAN said...

as you know, dear lady, there are far more ways than one to skin a cat - especially those soft pinkie naive ones - you go, girl!

Susan in the Boonies said...

In Crone vs. Maiden, my money is on the Pearl of Great Price. She's One Mean Mother.

I'll hold your purse, while you take care of business.

Scoochie on over on that ice floe, Pearl. As long as we're both out here, let's build a fire and have a short-lived partay.

Consciously Sedated said...

My ever-expanding ass thanks you. I think I might work on a few extra pounds just for added security. That way, when all those icebergs melt, I'll have a little extra buoyancy for good measure:)

Mamma has spoken said...

The thing I notice about the younger workers at my school is they eat nothing but healthy crap making stealing their lunches not that appealing :o( But funny thing is, just have the rumor that there are doughnuts in the teacher's lounge and they are the first to run up there, pushing anyone and everyone including kids out of their way ;o)

powdergirl said...

Hah! Pearl you made me think of the time an older(I was 20) Inuit man in Churchill told me he loved me but that I: Wouldn't last many winters on the trap line so I could never be his woman.
Of course I was devastated, but it wasn't meant to be, I suppose.
I'd have been on the ice flow well before my time.
Also I always tell my kids that it will be many years to come before they can out-mean or out-trick me, and by the time that happens, they'll have forgotten what is is to win, rendering them basically, my minions for life : D And yeah, they get the joke, their humors have been perfectly distorted by their Mother since birth. Keep snatching those lunches!

Eva Gallant said...

Hah! My sons have been telling me that the ice floe is in my future! Thank God I unknowingly have accumulated that extra fat! I have a shot at making it to Hawaii!

Jimmy said...

Haha! Brilliant Pearl, you certainly reached my feminine side.

Leenie said...

HaHa! You may be right about the thoughts of those on the lower rungs of the ladder but Shieldmaiden96 is right too. Pace yourself, give them a wet thumb in the wedge and smile.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Beware, young woman! The sneaky ones put extra-poundage generator powder into their lunches. That mayo with the slightly "off" taste that you thought was their mom using up the stuff in the fridge that's way past sell-by date? Just saying...

Jhon Baker said...

pink young things are too full of themselves and wrapped up in their own little pathetic lives to be interesting.

aBroad said...

This is why wearing "biker boots" is a good idea for women of a certain age.
It confuses the pink young things and also adds to the effect when one makes threatening gestures or scowely faces..

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Too funny. How come we all didn't have that figured out and start embracing the fatside????
Rosemary

Jeanne said...

Eat a PB&J for me....

Gigi said...

Thanks for the heads-up, Pearl. Going off my diet in a big way now!

jenny_o said...

And here I thought by the title that you were going to wax at length about the buoyancy of fat in women which allows us to swim more easily and gain those health benefits. Shoot! That would have been a good circular argument!

On the other hand, you made a good point about survival on the ice floes. Fat is a multi-tasker, it seems.

BECKY said...

OMG, so funny! I haven't stopped by in quite a long time, why....I don't know, but I'll definitely do so more often!!

TIMMYTHEROBOT said...

sounds like a solid theory to me

The Fine Life said...

I'm in agreement with ShieldMaiden96. There is a lot of peace in knowing how to pace yourself. My 20-something self would disagree, which is how I know it is true!

Setting the DVR for Fitter Than a Senior!

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

the pink cheeked young things may know how to scamper up the ladder...but the more experienced, slightly crow footed elders know which rungs may cause a fall... and down will come baby, stilettos and all...

Scrubby Bear said...

I love your posts!! Amazing insight in all of them
+folllowed! http://yearningandlearning.blogspot.com/

The Elephant's Child said...

Love it. And whilst swimming this cantakerous crone is happy to catch up to the nubile young things and bite their feet. Or lie in wait and ditto.

Belle said...

I knew there had to be a reason I keep gaining weight! Thank you Pearl, I'll hang on to my old parka.

Joyful Things said...

No matter what, there will always be someone thinner, younger, thinner, prettier, richer, thinner, smarter and rosier cheeked. And to that I say, 'bastards!'

WrathofDawn said...

If your theory is correct, I should survive a sojourn on an iceberg for a minimum of 47 years. For the win!

Leenie said...

Came back to read all the comments and I swear this is where the funniest, most clever people hang out! Laughing and sending thanks to Pearl and all her friends.

HermanTurnip said...

I've hear it said that Friday is the best time to...err..."purloin" unattended lunches in the corporate fridge. Friday is the day that the fridge is cleaned, and such thefts can easily be blamed on the cleaning staff.

Of course, this is just gossip and hearsay. Not that I'd *ever* have anything to do with any missing lunches...

Crystal Pistol said...

I say that rude, lanky young man who pushed past you with all the indolent sneering of one who has yet to contemplate his own mortality needs a good solid spanking on his hairy backside.

That would teach him a thing or two.

Miss Scarlet said...

I’m gonna get their lunch.

It has already been alluded to in this comment box... but worth saying again: these young people eat nothing but lettuce, so it's worth eating a bar of chocolate in front of them just to watch them dribble.
Sx

Pat said...

It's their feet I worry about. Can you imagine what they are going to be like at 45 after teetering about on those monstrous tortuous heels for years?

Tempo said...

Hmm, set adrift in an aging Honda?..

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Bah! Give them 15 years and a couple kids under their belt and those PYT's will be right behind us.
Peri-M's, Represent!!

Dawn in DC said...

My tribe wouldn't send me out to an iceberg. I'm the only one who knows how to work the kitchen. Srsly.

Gaston Studio said...

This so reminds me of the dialogue of Cathy Bates in the parking lot in the movie, "Fried Green Tomatoes" when she said: "I'm older and got more insurance!"

Miranda Hardy said...

My chunk of ice drifted long ago. Those bastards!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Lankies and Pinks have no place in my world! Rise up!!

Pat Tillett said...

While you're at it, get those free lunches the company puts in the fridge each day...
I'd be ordering my drinks without ice!

lafemmeroar said...

What a comforting thought ... finally .. my fat will work for me. And yes, the good thing about aging is that the "pink-cheeked young things working their way up the corporate ladder" are too green to properly strategize. Many of them are working up the "wrong pole."