Hey! I'm Woikin' Heah!

T calls. “I’m bored.”

“So you called me, 1400 miles away, to alleviate your boredom?”

“Yes,” he says from around what sound to be a mouthful of potato chips. His voice takes on an imperious air. “Amuse me.”

“How’s this?” I say, doing absolutely nothing.

“That’s nice,” he says, “but try to put your back into it.”

“What about this?” I say, still doing nothing.

T, long-time friend, part-time nemesis and full-time thorn-in-my-side, moved to Paradise (apparently it’s in Florida) well over a year ago.

“I’ve seen better.”

He sighs, heavily.

Paradise, apparently, has gotten boring.

“So what are you going to do today?”

He sighs again. “I dunno. Do what I do every day I’m not working, I guess. Go work out, go swimming, maybe do some laundry.”

I start laughing. “Whatta youse? From New Joisey now?”

He stops chewing. Accusations of being from New Jersey are serious business, particularly in light of how many of them there are in Florida.

You may not be aware of this, but New Jersey-ites are a boisterous people.

“Heeeey,” he says. “What are you talking about?”

“You just told me you’re going to GLT! Isn’t that what they do on that show, Jersey Shore? Gym, Laundry, Tan?”

There is a pause on the other end.

“I don’t know why I call you,” he says, mock hurt.

“Because I take your calls?”

“Hmm,” he says. The potato chips re-enter the picture.

I chuckle. “You’re probably going to want to drink until you puke later, maybe get naked in a hot tub and fall down a flight of stairs.”

“For someone who claims to not watch the show, you know a lot about it.”

I shrug. “I like the weekly clips of reality-show stupidity. They’re good for my ego.”

“You never got drunk and fell down a flight of steps?”

“Nope,” I say, smiling. “And without proof, there ain’t a jury that’ll convict me.”

T munches thoughtfully. “Sometimes it all comes down to witnesses.”

“True dat,” I say.

He stops chewing. “I suppose I’ll let you get back to work,” he sighs. “I just needed someone to talk to.”

“I’m your witness,” I say.

He smiles, a sound that comes over the phone via his voice. “Sometimes that’s all you need.”