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Thursday, February 17, 2011

And This is How I Know My Friends Love Me

Many of the benefits to getting older lie in the realizations made, the if-this-then-that state of affairs that go unnoticed when we are young and busy chasing our own (and others’) tails.

One recent realization has left me scratching my head, frowning in a way destined to further furrow my brow, wishing, actually, that I’d not made the connection that I am now about to inflict on you, and that realization is that I am, apparently, a relaxing influence on some of my friends.

Relaxing: this is how I like to think of it. The reality, truth to tell, is a bit more disturbing than that.

It’s not too late to stop reading, you know.

Ring-ring. Ring-ring.

Uh-oh. Now it is.

Ring-ring! Ring-ring!

“Hey!” I love that phones tell you who is calling before you answer it.

“Hey.”

Silence.

“What do you want?” My phone manner is legendary. In a performance review a number of years ago, my boss, who I loved dearly, told me, “The only negative comment I can make regarding your performance is that you sometimes come off as brusque. You need to work on being fuzzier.”

I reconsider having been what may have come off as “brusque” and rephrase so as to be in the fuzzy category. “What do you want, sweetheart?”

“Oh, nothing.”

Nothing? “Where are you? Sounds like you’re in a tin can. Are you in a tin can?”

There is laughter. “I just thought I’d call, see what’s up.”

Still with the same echo-y sound. I shut my eyes. I find this helps me think.

“You called me at work, wondering what I was doing?”

“Mm-hmm.”

I frown, then self-consciously try to rub said frown out of my forehead with my free hand. “Well,” I say, “Once again, my genius has been recognized. They’ve given me a summer house in Tuscany in lieu of a raise this year and two coupons for a free bagel with purchase of a coffee. Oh, and that statue I posed for last quarter will be unveiled after the dinner –“

And that’s when it hits me, as clear as the good ice cubes.

“Hey!” I shout.

“What?” There is laughter, then poorly muffled laughter, on the other end.

“Are you in the bathroom?! Seriously! Are you in the bathroom right now?!”

Attempts to muffle the laughter are abandoned. “What’s wrong with that? Your voice relaxes me.”

“Aeeeeggghhhh!” I am smiling. “OK. I’m hanging up now.”

Chuckles from the other end. “Nice talking to you!”

“Yeah,” I say. “Don’t forget to wash your hands.”

Click.



My jobs are many, my rewards few.

44 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

My wife calls me at work and asks what I am doing all the time. Working I reply. Oh, she says. Twice a day at times.

She also has a knack of calling and having me paged while i'm using the facilities.

I can actually say i've never dialed out while on the pot.

Pearl said...

Simply, the question re: what I'm doing at work has always baffled me. I think we ask "what are you doing" more as white noise, 90% of the time, than anything else...

Lana Banana said...

RRRRRRROOOOOOOFFFFFFFLLLLLLL . . . if i pass out and die because i can't breathe, i'm blaming it all on you!

"your voice relaxes me"?

RIOTOUS.

Oilfield Trash said...

This was flipping hilarious.

You had me at "your voice relaxes me".

laughingmom said...

Too Funny!!! - If you are that relaxing of an influence, maybe your friends should call during Pap smears too!

Must admit I thought of me this a.m. as I was TOTing - yes, Texting on Toilet...

ICKY said...

I will openly and freely admit that about 97.6 % of the times that I call you, Im in the bathroom.
Theres something so relaxing about talking to you. Sometimes when Im not in the bathroom and Im talking to you on the phone.....I need to find one.
I think you should embrace your relaxing/laxitative properties.
Uh-oh.......I have to go now !

haphazardlife said...

Oh. My. GOD!!!

They... uh.... words fail me.

- Jazz

George said...

I work with someone who, no matter how he tries, always sounds gruff on the phone. We razz him constantly over this.

Bossy Betty said...

You've always had that laxative effect on me! Think of it as one of your attributes.

I gotta go now. Really, I gotta go.....

Pearl said...

Lana, it’s a naturally occurring attribute.

OT, I’m glad. I told a friend I was going to write this and while she thought it was hilarious she was concerned about what people would think…

Laughingmom, maybe on top of my day job, my serving job, and my cleaning job I could add “vocally induced laxative provider”!!

Icky, I have the same problem when I’m talking to my mother. :-)

Jazz, you’ve lost respect for me, haven’t you? Wait a minute. You DID have respect for me, right?

George, I tend to be very direct, in real life and at work. At work especially, I’m paid by the hour, so feel pressured to work, work, work. I did agree with that boss that I needed to be a bit fuzzier and have changed my frightening ways. :-)

Bossy Betty, then my job here is done!

mapstew said...

Pearl, the sure cure for constipation, call 555........!

(What's with all the bathroom posts today?) :¬)

xxx

Sweet Cheeks said...

I have a friend that only calls me from her bathroom. She claims it's because it's the only quiet time she has in her house without screaming children. I don't know if I believe that now, after Icky's words of wisdom.

=]

jabblog said...

At least you don't send people to sleep or bore them so that their eyes glaze over . . . sob . . .

Happy Frog and I said...

This post is great! I have to watch being brusque too. But I don't think my voice has ever helped anyone relax in the bathroom. Though you have got me thinking now!

Eva Gallant said...

That was hilarious! I love it!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Pearl's Voice and A Good Cup of Coffee:

Relaxing...and Expeditious

Betty Davis said...

And to think I used to worry about people hearing me tinkling. The world is changing too fast for me.

Douglas said...

You had me at "chasing our (and others') tails."

I was relaxed, I was serene, I was zzzzzzzz...

Belle said...

My grandson always asks what I am doing when he calls. It doesn't matter what I say (I'm cooking dinner) he then says, "Can you pick me up right now?"

Snappy Di said...

LOL... love those tinny phone calls...

DI

The Jules said...

Can you come and clean my chair?

becca said...

my hubby won't even answer a phone if he can avoid it

KleinsteMotte said...

Crazy stuff but more and more phones are everywhere. Privacy does not seem to matter any more.

Nezzy said...

Hilarious post girl...ya just gotta love those bathroom calls!!! heeheehhe!!!

God bless ya and have a beautiful day!!! :o)

NotaSupermom said...

When someone else answers their phone in another stall of a public bathroom, I like to flush. Twice.

powdergirl said...

Hah, I used to work with a guy named Bruce, best working relationship I ever had, we laughed and laughed our way through many a very stressful day. The Boss Man used to call him or me at noon, daily, and ask, So, what are you doing?", which made Bruce's Irish eyes blaze every time. We split to run our own crews but we had to consult on work stuff a coupla times on most days, so lots of phone contact. Once in a while I'd call him when I knew he was really busy and up to his ass in snapping alligators, I'd ask, "Sooo, what are you doing?" And we'd laugh.

Thanks for the memories : )

savannah said...

t least he doesn't call and say, "i need some toilet paper!" you've made me laugh, sugar! i needed this! xoxoxo

a Broad said...

When I lived and worked in Los Angeles, a boss told me that " I gave good phone " ... God bless me, at the time I thought that was so great. Now I would like to plant my boot up his ....
I would love to call you Pearlie Girl and just sit and giggle with you.

Gigi said...

Ummm, and what's your phone number again? You know, just in case......

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

I can not STAND when people talk to me from the bathroom. I find that so skeevy. Blehhhh. Tell him to read a newspaper next time like everyone else :)

lisleman said...

wow you should start a sideline business. You must have a calm voice.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

A free bagel with the purchase of just one coffee (and a plane ticket to Tuscany)? Oh, you were probably just kidding. Oops, I got excited for you. Sorry Pearl. I guess you're back to calming the potty-goers.
xoRobyn

desk49 said...

I didn't quit reading
Their your friends
different I'd say

Kipp said...

Pearl - In appreciation for your generosity and kindness I have given you a shout out over on my blog. (It will post on 2.18.11) Thanks again!

Captain Dumbass said...

Eeeeeew!

Kat said...

After "your voice relaxes me," I could barely even process anymore...Dear God.

HumorSmith said...

I once made a call from the john. To Flushing, NY. Oddly enough.

Symdaddy said...

Oh, Pearl!

That one tickled my fancy!

So much so that decided to write this response with my trousers around my ankle whilst sitting on the ..., well, 'thing' (you won't get any British toilet humour out of me).

Now, I can get this business concluded if you could just give me a call on 0044 2920 .....

hoodyhoo said...

I have rules about who can and cannot talk to me while on the toilet -- basically, it's just Chuckweasel and Dear Sweet Mama. And that's only because they complained that if I was gonna do it to them, they had the right to do it back.

Joshua said...

Pet Peeve. And now I shudder.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

So that's a gift, right? Helping people relax so they can free up their, erhm, systems?

On My Soapbox said...

Oh, that is funny! Not the phone call part, the part about the job review. The same thing has happened to me (more than once)! In emails and on phone calls, I do not do the obligatory "How is the weather there, how is the dog, how are your kids" thing. Since I don't do that, I, too, have been told that I am brusque. The thing is, I don't care how the weather is or how your kids are! These are people I work with. They are not my friends. They are my coworkers. I'm trying to be efficient and actually work. Sheesh.

Maundering mutterer said...

I can do dulcet tones any time, but sometimes my eyes are rolling so much it's a good thing the person on the other end can't see!

jack lamb said...

I laughed sooooooo hard at that one!!!!!!!!! It is so true. Been married 31 years and we still find ways to mess with each other! But that was simply "classic"!