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Thursday, June 23, 2011

Don’t be Silly, It Only SOUNDS Sexist

Mary’s relationship is going swimmingly; and there are milestones to prove it.

“I don’t know,” she says. “Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve been super-impressed with Jon lately.”

I am listening and working at the same time. “Go on,” I whisper into my headset.

“Well,” she says, “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think he might be paying attention to what I’m saying.”

There is a pause as the importance of this sinks in.

Jon has many wonderful qualities. He’s smart. He’s funny. He's easy on the eyes. He can take apart, fix, build, and operate any machine or engine presented to him.

He cannot, however, wash dishes, make a sandwich, or recall if they’ve RSVPed to a bike rally or a christening.

“You mean to say,” I hazard, “that he appears to be listening?”

“No, no,” she says. I can almost hear her shaking her head in wonderment. “I mean I said something the other day and not only were his eyes on me when I said it, he asked a follow-up question.”

There is silence.

“Did you check his pupils?”

“He seemed to be conscious and aware of his surroundings.”

I stop. “We need to mark this occasion. It’s the first time you’ve seen this behavior, right?”

We may be on the phone, but I know Mary is nodding. “It’s like when the baby rolls from his stomach to his back for the first time,” she says.

“That’s what I’m thinking!”

Mary laughs. “I’m gonna get a lock of his hair, paste it into a book.”

“They’re precious at this stage, aren’t they?”

She laughs again. “Do you think it would be tacky for me to save his teeth? He had one pulled about a month ago – I wonder if the dentist still has it?”

I shake my head. “I don’t think the dentist is holding on to Jon’s bad teeth.”

“Ya never know,” she offers.

I shake my head again but decide to play along, see how far it will go. “Sure,” I grin. “What the hell. Give the dentist a call.”

“Psssss.” She’s dismissing me now. “We’re talking milestones here! Next thing you know he’ll know where his shoes are.”

“Or where you keep the bread,” I offer.

“He'll express an interest in folding laundry!”

There is silence.

“I’ve gone too far, haven’t I?” she says.

“Baby steps,” I say.

39 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

Only "Sounds" Sexist???
Maybe if you are just discussing Jon.

However, Me thinks me detected a bit of Male inclusiveness in that “They’re precious at this stage, aren’t they?” comment.

Watch your step there Missy or I'll have Willie start leaving the seat up.

Pearl said...

Simply, :-) Yeah. Ya got me.

C... said...

Those moments are rare indeed. ;)

haphazardlife said...

Wow that's impressive. Mine once asked me what he could do to help and I asked him to clean the toilet. Then he asks where the toilet brush is!!!

Surprisingly enough it was beside the toilet where it had been living since BEFORE I MOVED IN!

Pearl said...

I swear I know someone who's husband once yelled, from the kitchen, "Where's the milk?" He was looking in the fridge but couldn't find it...

Glen said...

It sounds like he might be going through a phase. Don't worry, it will pass - just feed him beer.

I tried listening once, I can't say it struck me as being all that worthwhile.

Audubon Ron said...

Jon met a woman on the internet. Sorry.

Eva Gallant said...

Oh that is too funny! Although I must say Mr. Eva knows how to do his laundry. He had to learn or wear dirty clothes.

Joyful Things said...

I am trying to raise my boys to not be that helpless man standing the the kitchen with his arms hanging by his sides like there is a great weight attached to them. Similar to the look I get when I'm trying to fill the windshield washer fluid. Is that container for windshield washer fluid or transmission oil?

mybabyjohn said...

They know precisely where everything is and they know exactly what and how to do things but they have a plan devised by the first cave man whose wife handed him a "honey do " list....Here is the plan...act stupid and really mess up the job..then you won't be asked to do it again. Works every time. And yes....this is a sexist remark. Most men won't be able to get past the fist three letters so no fear at being caught. lol have a great day

Oilfield Trash said...

Hilarious.

Leenie said...

Folding laundry?? Yeah, that's going too far.

Esther Montgomery said...

Sounds suspicious to me. Why is he listening?

Esther

jenny_o said...

I'm lucky to have a husband who can do just about anything and do it well. In fact, sometimes better than I do it.

Erk. I could be declared redundant at any time.

Joshua said...

Sorry, what was that? I was distracted by a thing. She must have started the conversation by saying "boobs" so he'd pay attention. Right?

Douglas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Daisy said...

This is funny! It's also making me think of, and appreciate again, those mature, helpful, compassionate, fellows who I've come to know.
:-)

Douglas said...

I take no offense. But you should know that we are quite capable of doing most of the things you ask of us. We choose not to. One of the reasons is that we know you will take care of whatever it is. The other main one is what you mentioned... "They’re precious at this stage, aren’t they?" when we forget ourselves and relent. Who else gets credit for doing once (and rarely) what you do all the time?

Drake Sigar said...

So he’s not so much listening as adapting, like the borg.

Anonymous said...

We were talking about this very thing last night for my mom's birthday dinner! Her hubby admitted flat out that most of the time he just lets her talk and doesn't pay attention, because, "Honey, you just talk so MUCH."

Pearl said...

:-) I am a huge fan of men, and I hope everyone knows this is just silliness. My son knows how to cook, to sew his own buttons, has done his own laundry since 6th grade. :-) But there are some men who just aren't interested. Like I say, I've seen Jon change the brakes on a car in the pouring rain, install tile, fix plumbing, do electrical wiring, and shovel three feet of snow off his roof.

He just can't/won't make a sandwich. :-)

NYEMT said...

When my stepson was about 7 or 8, he helped load the dishwasher one night, and I thanked him, and said, "Hey - nice job, kid; you're almost ready to do your own laundry." The next morning as his mom left for work, his great-aunt came to wait for the bus with him, and he told her, "Aunt Lenore, I have to start doing my own laundry. Before we go, will you show me how to work the washer and dryer?" He's 25 now, and has done his own laundry ever since. Some girl had damn well better come and thank me one of these days. :)

LeeAnn said...

I've led H into such behaviour a time or two. The trick is to randomly sprinkle the words "stripper pole" and "open bar" into whatever you're saying.

Pearl said...

:-) You guys are killing me.

R. Jacob said...

I'm a thinkin'. I would forget about him paying attention. The next comet sighting might happen sooner and be more predictable. It is just something to tell the grandchildren!

Gigi said...

This must be the first documented case of a man actually listening....somebody call the Guinness Book people.

Cake Betch said...

OMG!! Tell her I said CONGRATS! Getting a man to actually listen to you... that's seriously amazing :-D Mine never does.

Ron said...

":-) I am a huge fan of men, and I hope everyone knows this is just silliness."

Yes, I totally understand that this is just silliness, so no worries.

And also happen to think this post is BRILLIANTLY hysterical!

kal said...

That is hilarious. You sure know how to capture the moment. I love reading through your conversations quickly to get a feel for how magical they must be at the time. I envy your ability to spot the exact moment to highlight.

HermanTurnip said...

“It’s like when the baby rolls from his stomach to his back for the first time"

My God, man. Are you somehow spying on me? Has the wife been in contact with you? Reading this is like reading a chapter on my own life. I *swear* I pay attention. I just can't retain details after 20 seconds.

Belle said...

Jon closely resembles my husband. If he has to make his own lunch or breakfast he opens the fridge and sighs, then opens the cupboards and sighs. It is just too much for him.

River said...

The only thing my husband knew how to do is make his own coffee. Which he did about 3 dozen times a day. I didn't dare let him make MY coffee. I preferred something drinkable and hot.

Crystal Pistol said...

I come here to be entertained. You never disappoint. :)

I enjoy your phone convos with friends the most, I think.

That Janie Girl said...

Hilarious - and oh, so true.

Tempo said...

It's not so much that he cant make a sandwich..it's more that he wont..or more likely that he knows if he doesn't Mary will...and don't other peoples sandwiches always taste better anyway?

Laoch of Chicago said...

This is terrifically clever.

Pat said...

That's such gift Pearl - to make us laugh at that behaviour instead of tearing out hair out:)

the walking man said...

It is so nice to already have been recognized as feral and un-trainable.

Gombojav Tribe said...

Thanks for the chuckle!