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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

We Like The Cars, The Cars That Go Boom...

A re-worked re-post, in honor of summer and open windows everywhere...

I awoke the other night, fuzzy visions in my head of a large two-legged reptile, possibly of Japanese extraction, stomping down the middle of Jefferson and heading in my direction.

Boom! Boom! Boom!

Awfully rhythmic for a reptile, thought I.

It was as I gained reluctant consciousness that I realized this was not imminent doom but the stereo system of someone who, loudly and proudly, was keen to demonstrate how little he thought of conventional sleep patterns.

I laugh at your sleepy-time mattress-ness!

These jacked-up nincompoops don’t come around often enough to cause me to update my dreams to include moving out of the city – there are, after all, problems wherever you go – but it does cause me to think vengeful thoughts.

I lie in bed fantasizing about how I will single-handedly stop these scoffers of social contracts and the methods that I will employ.

I envision large buckets of cold water flung towards their cars from the slingshot I shall have installed on the roof of my house. Mild, yes; but I like to start slow. If we leap directly to the fantasy where I spring out from behind large-ish bushes, flinging ninja stars, we’ve painted ourselves into a retribution corner.

Alternatively, I see myself jumping into my car, lights off, trailing them to their own homes. Once there, I give them some time to fall asleep, whereupon I scale the side of their building (ropes? suction cups? I haven’t worked this out yet), and then slip their hands into bowls of warm water.

Wake me up, will you? There you go: you peed yourself. I hope you're happy.

I hope you’ve learned your lesson.

There’s also the one where I just give in completely and set up a lawn chair in the middle of the street and hold up score cards, rating the soon-to-be-deaf based on choice of artist, stereo system, and whether or not it rattles the vehicle’s undercarriage.

For now, however, I judge it best to just go back to sleep.

I’m saving my devious mind for bigger things.

32 comments:

Drake Sigar said...

I remember the last time once of those jackasses came round my neighborhood – I ran at it, transformed my arms into crowbars and hooked them on the back, slowly climbing up the speeding car with malevolent intenti- oh wait that was a scene from Terminator 2. But my point still stands. It’s one thing to go on online forums screaming “LUDACRIS 4 LIFE”, but actually forcing it into the ears of random pedestrians should be a hanging offense.

Pearl said...

Drake, that is hilarious and now I love my blog even more. :-)

Daisy said...

These inconsiderate nincompoops seem to be everywhere! What really irks me are the stores that advertise these deafening systems of noise. We have a noise bylaw, but it's practically unenforceable in this instance. It is a real concern when one of these jackasses is on the road with me. Their noise makes it impossible to hear other traffic, including emergency vehicles. I watched one block a fire engine once, totally unaware of the lights and sirens. I was wishing the engine would drive right over him, but hope they recorded the lisence and he got a hefty fine.

Sorry to bable on! This is one of my strongest peeves of todays' society!

Ponita in Real Life said...

Ah, but by the time these guys are 40, they will all be stone deaf. Too late to realize the foolishness of their obnoxious stupidity!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Gosh that's a fabulous post!!! I can't tell you how much I loved that one. You're delicious, Pearl!

Leenie said...

Yes, Ponita, and when they're 40 and deaf they will be standing in front of us at Subway Sandwiches (ala Cheeseboy's Blog) backing up the line because they don't understand the difference between white, wheat or wrap. Payback for messing with our sleep, but now even more annoying.

Loving the vision of Pearl flinging ninja stars.

Belle said...

Nothing is more annoying than having to listen to someone else's music; except sleeping and waking up to it.
The police in our town don't let anyone get away with it. If anyone complains they show up right away. Canada is freakish about noise. Your neighbors will tar and feather you.

Just try to get the police to do anything about a break-in or hit and run of your car though. They tell you to suck it up.

Suitcase said...

I think you deserve MAJOR kudos for the "cars that go boom" reference, but damn you for getting that stuck in my head. "We're Tigra and Bunny and we like the boom."

Pearl said...

Daisy, I’m with you! This and vandalism. Large bits of another post based on the cowardly and yet egocentric graffiti in Our Fair City are busily writing themselves in my head as we speak…

Ponita, and then, no doubt, they’ll sit next to me at the bar yelling “What?! What’s that?!”

Susan, I’m glad you liked it. :-) Made me laugh a bit, too!

Leenie, right! I’m afraid I’ll end up in an old folks’ home with some of them and have to listen to their TVs all day…

Pearl said...

Belle, the Canadian are an interesting lot. :-) I have relatives in Saskatchewan and I SO enjoy their perspectives...

Suitcase! :-) Glad you liked that.

hocam said...

Love the picture of you sitting in the lawn chair scoring them. I bet their faces would be a picture! Love the way your mind works :-)

Douglas said...

I am in awe. Not over your great writing skills and clever word play (I'm just insanely jealous of those) but the idea of slingshots and buckets of water. There are so many softish substances that could be used instead of water but you kept it clean. Plus, it allowed room for escalation (which is what they call climbing up the side of a house using suction cups. I kneel at your feet. I would have considered something other than water but, then, I have a septic tank.

On a side note, have you noticed these fools never play Mantovani or the Boston Pops?

Pearl said...

hocam, I still think I may do that. :-) Not in the street, of course, as I'm not sure that some of these jokers can really drive, but maybe off to the side? :-)

Douglas, for a while, the City of Minneapolis played opera over speakers on the corners of Hennepin Avenue and it actually deterred the groups of sullen, baggy-bottomed loiterers...

WrathofDawn said...

My next door neighbours are on a corner lot, so the back of their back yard is on the side of mine. They have a shed which is at the back of their yard and as far from their house as possible, in which they have a stereo system that their sons use to play "music." LOUD MUSIC.

Unfortunately, the back of their yard, as far from their house as possible, places it right next to the end of my house where my bedroom is...

Can you feel my joy? C'mon, people! Sing it with me... Boom! Boom! Boom!

Laurie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laurie said...

I only have this problem on saturday nights, when I stay in because I have to work while my friends go out having fun. Those are the moments I really hate humanity...They don't just wake you up, they even remember you what a sad workaholic you are, and they're having fun while you're mad at home hating them.

A couple of weeks ago there was one who played the Spice Girls. Now, seriously? I can't even believe you really like them, mate!

Pity I live on the sixth floor, I can't even throw a bucketful of water to them (yeah, like I'd actually do it, if I could...I'm too nice)

//As always, my computer got crazy and send the comment before I had done writing it. I'm awfully sorry, and now I have something else to be mad about :P //

jenny_o said...

I just love this post, Pearl. Random loud thumping godawful tuneless what-passes-for-music being inflicted on people who don't want to hear it is one of the few things that will make me wish I lacked social skills too :) Gol'darnit it's so hard to get even when you have a conscience. The bowl of warm water as payback is simply perfect! (if only it didn't involve break and enter)

Ponita in Real Life said...

Probably a good time to start a hearing aid business, don't you think?!?!

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! Suction cups, fer sure. And warm but not too warm; they'll piss like a racehorse. Indigo x

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I love your lawn chair idea. I bet you could get a team of blogger judges representing every country.
xoRobyn

Pearl said...

WrathofDawn, hmm. This poses a dilemma, doesn’t it? Would it be wrong to lob expired fruits and vegetables at them? Part of me thinks “yes”, but the other part, the part with a half-way decent aim…

Laurie, the Spice Girls! Tell me it’s not true, it’s not really really true! :-)

Jenny-o, I don’t have the nerve for a real breaking-and-entering, but isn’t it wonderful, thinking of slipping their hands in a bowl of nice warm water?!

Ponita, I think you’re on to something there…

IndigoWrath, I’m enjoying the thoughts of them having to wash their bedding… Shhhh. Let me enjoy my childishness!

RawknRobyn, I’m enjoying this. I think there may even be extra points for those Latin America-style polkas that go booming through every now and then. Super-loud accordion always cracks me up.

lisleman said...

if you go out and start scoring please be careful and take plenty of picture - what a off-the-wall/out-of-the-box idea.
Years ago in an apartment complex far removed, I sought revenge by waking up before dawn, pointing my speakers toward the target of revenge, cranking up the volume and pushing the on button. Thanks for bringing back that memory.

Gigi said...

I hate, hate, hate these people. I have warned my son, once he started driving, that I'd better never hear the music before I see the car. And that it's rude to boot - no one wants to hear whatever you might be enjoying.

On My Soapbox said...

Every time I hear these nimrods, I hope their windows blow out. What cracks me up is when you hear them coming, but then realize it's someone trying (and failing) to look cool in a minivan or station wagon....

Clipped Wings said...

Funny post. Love it when one of those cars drives by and everything on the walls rattle. A little different noise, but just as unlivable, was one Thanksgiving when the family next door had a mexican band playing on their deck for a family dinner outside. Husband and I couldn't hear what each other was saying at our own turkey dinner, and we moved it all in the livingroom for some peace. If course, I guess we could have just sat out on our deck eating our meal and enjoying their music. Happy dreaming hopefully of something more pleasant tonight.

Antares Cryptos said...

In those sleep-deprived, still not quite out of dream state moments, they go "Boom!!!"

HermanTurnip said...

You and me both.

I had a recent dream where I track down people who have no sense of social decorum, break into their boom cars and fill them with stray cats and colorful pit balls from Chuck-E-Cheese. I'm not sure what this dream is trying to tell me...

Cloudia said...

this is why I don't keep a gun - I'd use it!



Aloha from Waikiki


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Macy said...

From the scale of the problem, it sounds like this is the time to buy shares in the Hearing Aid industry.

Karen Lange said...

Hi Pearl, Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting. So nice to meet you!

Hope you get a better night's sleep tonight! :)

Take care,
Karen

lisleman said...

Ok Pearl - I linked this post up on LLL at A Few Clowns Short
thanks

Traci said...

I remember that song! Last night I slept at work (as glorified camper bathroom chaperone.) It's amazing how your mind translates what's happening outside of your dream. I dreamed that I was in a model town (like in Beetlejuice) and when someone touched my foot to wake me up, in my dream my foot wasn't involved. It was like I was stopped but a huge force from walking and going where I was going, it was weird.

I like your ideas of what to do to deal with Boom Boom cars. Like Home Alone!