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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

And Once They’re Blindfolded There’s That Cold Spaghetti and Peeled Grape Gag I Could Use…

I call Mary, freaking out ever so slightly.

“Heh-ro?”

“Mary?”

“Heeeeey! How’re ya?”

I pause, squint with concentration. “You realize your speech is slurred, right?”

It’s not quite noon, and Mary is unabashedly goofy. “I wenna the dennis this mornin’ and I’m shoddup fulla novocaine.” She laughs. “Hey, come ‘ere once! Pearl! Pearl! I ha’ no feelin’ in my tongue or my nose!”

We’re on the phone and I still shake my head.

Mary laughs, embraces her current state. “Hey, I don’ thin’ – I jus’ realize’ I can’ feel mos’ uh my face. My face done been –“ and here her tongue really struggles – “anesthesized.” There’s a muffled sound, as if she is running the phone over something. “OK, I’m ba’,” she says.

“Where’d you go?”

“I was afrai’ I wudden be able-a feel my eyes, but I ca’.”

“Oh, good,” I say. “I hate when my eyes go numb.”

“Are you makin’ fun uh me?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, goo’,” she says. “So wha’ up, G?”

“I’m throwing a bachelorette party for Amy Saturday and I’ve only got one game planned.”

“Wha’ game?”

“The rice and safety pin game.”

“Ooh,” she says appreciatively. “Thass a goo’ one.”

“I know, but there should be at least one more, right?”

There is a pause as we both consider another game. Oddly enough, I can hear Mary smiling.

“What?”

“Hey, have you consi’ered not havin’ any games at all and serving twice the liquor?”

There is silence. I am intrigued. “Go on,” I say.

“Meet ‘em at the front door with a shot of tequila an’ a blin’fol’. Tell ‘em it’s par’ of a game to be revealed la’er.”

“Hmm,” I say.

“Think o’ the time you’ll save! With the gues’s blin’fol’ed, you won’ have-a clean your house! Winning!”

“That’s a pretty good idea.”

Mary chuckles. “Huh? Huh?! Who’s your frien’?”

I can breathe easier. “Thanks, Mary.”

“Hey,” she says. “It’s jus’ par’ a wha’ I do.”

34 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

Pearl you crack me up!!!!

When I grow up I want to be able to write like you.

Pearl said...

OT, Ohhhh! :-) Do you know how GREAT that just made me feel?!! :-) Emoticons for everyone!!

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

Too funny! I'd go to that bachelorette, in a heart beat.

Pearl said...

Yandie, if we lived closer to each other, I've no doubt that we'd be friends. :-)

Leenie said...

I always wonder how the dentist can let you out the door in that numbed condition but you get pulled over and arrested for DUI when you go out of a bar like that????????

You did the novocaine dialect jus raht. (Slup).

Pearl said...

Leenie, Mary's face might've been numb, but generally speaking her mind never is. :-) Generally speaking.

jenny_o said...

I've had the partly numb eyeball or eye socket, not sure which, but it was weird regardless. Love that party game; must remember for the next time there's unexpected company. hehe

Excellent rendition of impaired speech :) Takes a good ear, that!

Glen said...

There is something in that for sure - actually keep them blindfolded and tell them that you will only serve them a drink if they say the exact word you have already chosen. They must work it out by themselves.

Then after you have led them all to the plastic covered chairs you have prepared, silently leg it out to the pub for a couple of hours, on your return shout Well done to the first answer shouted out and pass them a drink before telling them times up and showing them the door.

I haven't been asked to host many parties to be fair.

Pearl said...

jenny-o, dentist-impaired speech is in the Drunkish family, where I am fluent. :-)

glen, that's a FINE idea! :-) They're all such nice girls, too. I just know they'd do as they are told.

Daisy said...

LOL! I'd love to come to that party!

Douglas said...

Bachlorette party? Find a homeless guy, pay him $20 to do a strip.


Best if that entertainment comes well after the 10th shot of Tequila... and maybe keep the blindfolds on.

jabblog said...

Excellent, as ever:-)

Pearl said...

Douglas, it ain't that kind of a party! Drinking, eating, and going out afterward, yes. PAYING a guy to take his clothes off?! Nah. We can get that for free. :-)

Daisy, my hope is that the party is as silly as we are...

vanilla said...

That'll be a party, all right, if planned by you and Mary. What a pair.

SeaD said...

My kind of party, Pearl! And you are my kinda writer. ;-D

Doubting Thomas said...

I LOVE how you have a friend that can have such awesome conversations all doped up! Mine just whine a lot about the pain and take a nap. ;)

Pearl said...

jabblog, thank you! :-)

vanilla, and Mary won't even be there, as she doesn't really know the bride. But parties with Mary are always good humor because, and I quote, We Know How To Party.

SeaD, thank you! Everyone's so nice to me -- wait. A doctor hasn't called you about me or anything, right??

Doubting Thomas, I think Mary and I both tend to be just happy people in general. I mean, I know times are hard and money's tight, but that doesn't mean we can't have a laugh about it, does it?

laughingmom said...

Oh Pearl, your post just makes me smile! Fantastic!!
I think that theme for the shower could work for most any party - except a baby shower where the mom to be has to abstain.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Mary's next job: Semi-numb efficiency expert.

How painless and how easy life will become.

Brandy Rose said...

I got video of me the last time I got out of the dentist's office.

Got any baby shower ideas? Minus the drinking since its soooo unfair that I can't right now?

Gigi said...

And this? This sounds like my kind of baby shower!! I love Mary. And you. Y'all are my kind of people.


(I'm cautiously optimistic that Blogger is really working as I type this.....)

hocam said...

Oh I love this. The worst part of having a party is the cleaning up. Might try this out myself.

Pat said...

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor:)

Silliyak said...

Foot tapping...and your ipod?

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Just hosted a bridal shower. No games. I shoulda gone the double the liquor route. But 80 year old aunt Lois probably wouldn't have made it home.

a Broad said...

This just confirms why I love Mary and you ..
How many times has my nose been numb ... I don't even wanna know.

Gigi said...

Now I KNOW I responded earlier.....damn Blogger for messing with my mind!

injaynesworld said...

I have to agree. I would always prefer drinking over playing games. Unless they're drinking games, of course. ;)

Eva Gallant said...

Pearl, yours is the only blog I took the time to read again today, because I'm exhausted from spending time at the hospital and of course worrying. I always know I can count on your posts to lift my spirits!

W.C.Camp said...

I think you need that novocaine for your party and skip the liquor all together! It seems to work very well! W.C.C.

Macy said...

Laughed out loud, no I did,I really did, on the knock on benefits of blindfolds for guests. Would try it myself, but small dogs might get squished underfoot.

Sarah Has Moxie said...

God I love Mary when she's on post-dentist meds. And every other time, too, of course, but especially when she can't feel her eyes. We should all have a good friend like her...oh wait, I do! :)

Miss you!
Sarah

Keith said...

This made me laugh out loud.

On My Soapbox said...

Hmmm, I think this is on par with drunk dialing! It's better than meeting someone for lunch and drooling all over yourself (and not knowing about it), though.