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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

And Yet She Looks Perfectly Normal

“Acme Grommets and Sprockets, Pearl speaking.”

“Um, yes, I’d like to order a half-dozen grommets, and I'd like to set up a payment plan? Also I am wondering if I can get them delivered individually, preferably by a man in a loin cloth? If he could bring butterscotch pudding with him – the real stuff, too, not the instant – that would be great.”

“Mary, who gave you this number?”

“You did.”

I mutter a small, rather defenseless curse word.

“Well, now that we’re here, what up, girlfriend?”

She laughs. Neither of us has an ounce of ability in the urban slang department. We’ve jointly decided that listening to either of us say things like “you go, girl” or receiving any written communication from us using “U”, “R”, “B” or deliberate misspellings is the equivalent of my father once asking me if I “was taking the pot”, a genuine and drug-related question from him in the early 80s.

“Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”

Oh, we’re funny, Mary and I.

“I’m walking T-Bone.”

T-Bone, a largish dog who would like to sit in your lap, is briefly overheard barking at what sound to be a crowd of much smaller dogs.

“Trouble?” I ask.

There is the sound of Mary grunting. “Yes. Dagnabit, T-Bone!” There is more grunting. Mary is either pulling T-Bone away from a pack of wild Chihuahuas or pushing something large and unyielding down the street.

“OK,” she says. “That’s better.”

“Where are you going?”

There is the briefest of pauses. Mary is getting ready to lie.

“No where.”

And then we both laugh. Mary is the worst liar you’ve ever met.

“No, really,” I say.

“Goan tagit ah bekkin doanit.” Mary is deliberately mumbling.

“I’m sorry, what’s that?”

She sighs heavily. “A bacon donut! I’m going to get a bacon donut!! Are you happy now?”

She is smiling. I can hear her smiling. I am smiling, too. “What kind of morning do you have to be having before you walk the couple miles it will take you to get to the shop that sells bacon donuts?”

“Pretty crappy,” she admits. There is the briefest of pauses, and when she resumes speaking, her voice is serious. “Oh, Holy Hannah,” she says, disgusted. Her tone of voice suggests that what has just happened is another crappy thing in a long line of crappy things.

“What’s the matter?”

“I think I’ve lost my phone. It’s always in my right pocket because the left one has a hole in it and it’s not there…” She trails off.

“The phone?” I ask. “Like, the phone you’re talking on right now?”

There is complete silence.

“Pearl, is it possible that I’m mentally retarded?”

“Entirely,” I say. “Oops. I gotta run. Give me a call when you find your phone.”

“Shaddap,” she says, pleasantly.

“Have a good day, Mary.”

“You, too, Pearl.”


Anonymous said...

I love your conversations with Mary.

- Jazz

Hilary said...

Oh my.. I have a friend just like Mary. It might even be me.


Ali said...

Back up! A bacon donut? That sounds glorious! Do they make them in the turkey bacon variety? My kids might actually eat that.

The Simple Dude said...

Ok, we're both in Minneapolis so you have to tell me where to get a bacon donut. I'm off work today and would probably drive across town to get one right now.

Yeah, it's like that.

The Simple Dude

Oilfield Trash said...

Wow, sometimes friends are the best source of entertainment.

On a side note about street slang. I found a website last night which had translated the book of Genesis into Ebonics. I almost tore open my side laughing at it.

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

I don't know if I love conversations with Mary, or Dolly the gambling cat better.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I am just totally cracking up. Seriously??? She told you on the phone that she thought she'd lost her phone???

That is so stinkin' funny!!! :-D

I would totally do that.

My purse is like a black hole that sucks in the detritus of my life and I can NEVER find my phone, or my keys, or my lip gloss, or my Altoids when I need them. I freak out with great regularity, positive I have lost my wallet. But I haven't. It's in the depths of my purse.

Someday, my purse is going to suck my arm off.

laughingmom said...

Perhaps you could sew Mary's pocket for her...

Pearl said...

Jazz, Mary has been a personal muse/confidante/thorn-in-my-side for many, many years and never fails to bring me up.

Hilary, thank you so much! That’s a great compliment!

Ali, I don’t think so, but what’s to stop you from creating your own?! Yum!!

The Simple Dude: http://yoyodonuts.com/ It’s in Minnetonka!

Oilfield, you know, I personally love how a language changes, I just hope it doesn’t stifle communication/take the place of words with more nuance.

Pearl said...

Yandie, there’s no reason to ever have to choose. :-)

Susan, yes, really. :-) Just REMEMBERING that conversation is making me smile.

Laughingmom, I need to sew her a hands-free phone helmet so that she has TWO hands free to search for her phone (while telling me about it).

savannah said...

damn, sugar! just reading the words bacon donut gave me heartburn! *sigh* xoxoxo

jabblog said...

Everyone would like to have a friend like Mary:-)

Pearl said...

savannah, imaginary heartburn = imaginary increase in pants size!

Jabblog, if Mary wasn't real I'd have to make her up. :-) She's my favorite.

Bossy Betty said...

I has just occurred to me that I might be the Mary of the West Coast set.

Courtney said...

Excellent. There's an old Rosie O'Donnell standup special where she talks about her dad calling her a "pot-taker."

Nancy said...

Is Mary by any chance menopausal? Or pre-? I lost my mind when I went through that and never found it again.

jenny_o said...

I can sympathize with Mary, being on the absent-minded end of things myself, but it's still hilarious! Thank you for the laughs every day; I don't know how you do it.

George said...

Good Gawd that is funny!

Big Fat Gini said...

Everyone deserves a bacon doughnut. In fact, if I knew where they sold them, I'd have a dozen in front of me.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Make it a bacon MAPLE doughnut and I'm with you. The proofreader in my refuses to spell it "donut" though. It's just wrong. Lord knows I'm a slave to my law abiding ways. Sniff.

Goddamn. A bacon d-nut.

The phone thing? Could totally happen to me.

KSK said...

So funny!!! I just found you through my blog stalking!
Bacon Donut.... The perfect gift idea for my husband! :)


Roses said...

Mary is awesome. What a great friend. Supportive and blogfodder, what more could you ask for?

Mrsblogalot said...

I love the "you know I'm writing this down" label!

And I love the way you write Pearl. Truly. I smiled the whole way through.

Pearl said...

Betty, being The Mary is a good thing!

Courtney, Mary and I have many such jokes between ourselves!

Nancy, could be! Now that I think about it, quite a few of my friends probably fall in the “peri” category!

Jenny, when you know people like Mary, it pretty much writes itself.

George, I thought so!!

BFG, I am reserving my calories for a good old fashioned and bendy sugar cookie. Man do I have a weakness for those things…

Oooh, Vegetable Assassin, it actually IS a maple and bacon doughnut. :-) Dough-nut.

KSK, the men folk do seem to enjoy them! (And glad to meet you!)

Roses, like I say, if there weren’t really a Mary I would have to make one up. :-)

Pearl said...

Mrsblogalot, thank you. :-) I am so glad that the things that make me laugh make others laugh as well! Glad to know I'm not alone!

Leenie said...

Always, always a smile guaranteed from stopping by PWYL... you go girl-hehe. I want some of those grommets and the loin cloth guy, but the pudding has to be dark chocolate.

Grant said...

Bacon donuts? Someone is copying from me. I just invented the concept of the glazed meat donut when I cut a hamburger patty down to size to it would fit on an English muffin.

Pearl said...

Leenie, and you, as well! You also "go"! :-)

Grant, horrible thing, iddin it? :-)

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

A bacon donut served with a side of butterscotch pudding...you're speaking my jive talk, baby.

Pearl said...

Green Girl, mmmm! I hadn't thought of that, but they do go together, don't they?

powdergirl said...

Hi Peary Whirly,
I've done that one as well Mary, only I wasn't talking to a close friend, I was talking to my employer. On the phone he issued me : / (employer issued phone's are called "leashes."

I love those little conversations that give you a quick laugh in the midst of an other wise unfunny day.

Work day text from a friend:

Friend: Is it still against the law the kill people?

Me: If its not, inform me ASAP.

And then you know its not only your day thats sucking ditch water : )

Eva Gallant said...

I can totally relate to Mary. I've spent time looking for my glasses that were on my face the whole time!

Pearl said...

powdergirl! How is Canada? Are you thoroughly disgusted with the lack of Spring yet? Enjoyed your text exchange. Looks like we've got another Pearl/Mary combination up north!

Eva, I've not had that yet, but it is not unusual for me to walk into a room, stand in front of a particular object (fridge, dresser, shelf) and wonder, 'now what did I come here for?' Good fun!

Cheeseboy said...

I want to hear more about this bacon donut. Is that what Willis died from?

From the sound of it, you could definitely participate in one of those rap battles with Eminem and the like.

Gigi said...

Without a doubt Mary and I would be hilarious together since I regularly lose things that are currently in hand. Case in point, I got in the car and began the frantic search for the car keys. As I was beginning to panic, I located them. In the ignition. Where I had put them when I got into the car......

Clipped Wings said...

Bacon donuts? I need the address NOW! Love the post.

Douglas said...

Two things:

Have you seen my glasses? I cannot read blogs without them.


I do not believe in bacon donuts. Unless it is a rye bacon donut. In which case, I'd like a dozen.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious - and touching too!

I'll write you a comment once I've found my keyboard... ;-)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You two are hilarious. I'm glad you helped her find her phone.

I haven't tried a bacon donut, but I ate a bacon chocolate bar the other day. Heavenly!


Tempo said...

..but where were you taking that pot?
How are you at writing recipes Pearl? I think if you wrote down how to make the mythical bacon donuts I could probably get my favorite bakery to make it for me..

ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

Bacon donuts???? Sounds quite...disgusting. I think one time I was looking for my iPod for a while before I realized I was listening to it...I blame it on old age. 25.

Pat said...

I have the same problem with my glasses.

Cricket said...

Laugh-out-loud funny. I think we all have our Mary moments, though. Like the time I picked up my glasses, then before I put them on, started looking for them again. Needless to say, when I found them... already in my hand, it was um... an awkward and uncomfortable feeling. :-P

Congratulations on your potw.

Anonymous said...

tell Mary not to feel bad... calling someone on your phone to tell them you lost your phone is the losing your glasses because they're on top of your head of the New Millenium. And a bekkin doanit will fix ANYTHING.

Gaston Studio said...

ROFLOL! And congrats on your POTW!!

a Broad said...

This would be funnier if it were not so close to the truth here, where I live .. where I try to remember things.. like what day is it ?
besos ...

Sandra said...

I love this conversation. Isn't it fun to have a friend, or friends, who totally "get" you and have the same sense of humor? Congrats on POTW. :)

Scarlet Blue said...

I'm English with an Eastenders accent... imagine what it sounds like when I say: Go girlfriend.... and, sadly, I have been known to.

vanilla said...

I M KR KN Up. I've lost my glasses on my head and my pen in my left hand, but I've yet to lose my phone whilst talkin' on it.

Out on the prairie said...

This is why i have caller ID so I can be ready for calls like this.Funny tale.

Reb said...

Sound like something I may have done! Congrats on the POTW.

Frank Baron said...

As Son #1 would say: "I lol-d."


Linda said...

I have a friend who was out running some errands and tried to call her husband at home. She grew totally frustrated when the calls wouldn't go through. Then, when she got home, she realized that she had been calling the number of the phone she was using instead of the one at home. Thanks for the laugh. Mary sounds...interesting. :)