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Thursday, April 7, 2011

What the Cleaning Ladies are Talking About, or What's More Powerful than Bleach?

I pick her up after work. No time today: I change out of my office clothes, grab my cleaning supplies, and hit rush hour traffic in time to sit motionless between intermittent bouts of speed.

Everyone should relax between jobs.

She jumps into the car as I roll up.

“You ready to clean?”

“I am ready to shake a rag, I’ll tell you what!”

We do this, sometimes, Mary and I, clean houses. It keeps us in touch with our humble roots, gives us the satisfaction of meaningful labor with immediate results.

But mostly, it gives us a chance to look at other people’s furniture.

The iPod plugged in, we wind our way through the streets of Edina looking for tonight’s house.

“I ate the most wonderful thing today.”

I turn to stare at her as long as one can while still driving. When someone throws out a statement like that, it’s best to let them finish unaided.

“A donut,” she says, a smile playing lightly on her lips.

“A donut,” I say.

“A maple and bacon donut.”

I turn to stare again.

“I know! I know!” If you wait long enough, Mary will chastise herself with no effort on your part at all. “What can you do to make a donut even more fattening? Bacon!”

“Was it good?”

“It was better than good,” she says dreamily. “It was like getting away with something.” She stares out the side window as her voice resumes its normal tone. “Of course, afterwards I felt the need to atone, so I took a brisk walk.”

“That would have to have been a pretty brisk walk, a bacon-and-maple donut…”

“Shhh,” she says, raising an index finger to her lips. “I’m thinking about donuts.”

For the rest of the evening, Mary wandered by me, vacuum or rag in hand, only to mutter the words “bacon donuts” out of the side of her mouth.

And I was left to ponder the powers of salt, sugar, and fat.

40 comments:

Scarlet Blue said...

Well, she didn't have chips with it... so not so bad.
Sx

Willoughby said...

Mmmmmmmm, donuts..........

IndigoWrath said...

Man, where can I get me a box of piping-hot bacon and maple donuts? *drools*

Pearl said...

Scarlet, both of Mary's parents were from Belfast. Trust me when I tell you that potatoes figure into her menus (and she's a very respectable cook!).

Willoughby, made the evening drool-rific, as I didn't have time for dinner between one job and the other!

Indigo, what, your part of the planet isn't drenched in donut variations? Between that and the cupcake wave currently washing over the U.S., it's a wonder we don't get fat! :-)

Simply Suthern said...

Almost anything can be made better by adding bacon or bacon grease except maybe Cholesterol and Krispy Kreme donuts.

I aint saying they dont belong in the same meal just not intertwined in the same bite.

Then again I aint tried it so I spose I should look into it as soon as I get my hands on some Nitro pills as an emergency back up.

Silliyak said...

Has Homer Simpson been notified?

Pat said...

Well the cleaning will burn off the extra calories.
BTW I leaned today that instead of expensive cleaners, pouring coke down the loo gets it sparkling clean - but you have to leave it a while so I haven't tried it yet. I don't want to give anyone a nasty shock.

Leenie said...

Fingers in my ears. lalalalalalalalal---dang! I can still virtually smell them. MMMMmmmmmm.

jenny_o said...

Never had maple and bacon doughnuts but I've had maple flavoured everything else. That's just how we do it in Canada. It's practically a requirement of citizenship. I mean, look at our flag, for starters :)

Oilfield Trash said...

A maple and bacon donut, ah hell looks like I am going to have to eat that.

Joshua said...

Sorry, but you lost me at bacon.

Ponita in Real Life said...

I've not seen a maple and bacon donut up here, but whenever I have pancakes or french toast, with a side of bacon, I always dip the bacon in the maple syrup. Yum!!!

Boxer said...

My arteries closed up a little bit more just reading this.

Gary Baker said...

I'm with Boxer. Also, my dog looked at me and tilted her head at the sound of my arteries hardening as I read.

Jimmy said...

Wonderfully written Pearl, you just keep getting better. Bravo.

Cake Betch said...

A super powerful trifecta right there... sugar, fat, and salt.

Cheeseboy said...

I like bacon. I like donuts. But together, that sounds pretty awful. Of course, I haven't tried it and like Mikey, I'll try anything.

Note to self: Try bacon donut.

Drake Sigar said...

The particles of a meat and sugary combination can only have two possible outcomes. One – The mixture becomes so anti-logical that it destabilizes the space time continuum and subsequently destroys the universe. Two – it tastes really, really awesome.

Pat Tillett said...

The only thing that could make that better, would be to dip it in ranch dressing!
Seriously, I want a maple bacon donut...NOW!

TALON said...

How could you not love a donut that lingers like that?

Bacon makes everything better :)

Eva Gallant said...

I have never had a bacon maple doughnut. I'm not big on donuts, but I suppose I would give it a try out of curiousity. I've never seen one, though.

Kal said...

Like the great Homer Simpson said - "Donuts, is there anything they CAN'T do?"

vanilla said...

ooom. salivating.

Jhon Baker said...

I would need it to be creme filled.

Gigi said...

Well seeing as Krispy Kreme is headquartered here - I suppose it's only a matter of time before that pops up on the menu - if it hasn't already. I tend to go out of my way so as NOT to pass a Krispy Kreme shop with the Hot light on so as to avoid temptation - I may have to pop in tomorrow to see if it's available.

Amanda said...

I may be one of the few people in the known universe who doesn't like donuts. They're just so unfulfilling.

my name is Ian said...

maple bacon doughnut, sounds good to me

Jodie Kash said...

“It was like getting away with something.”

Classic.

There's a little bake shop in Boulder, (Colorado) that does a bacon cupcake; maple cake, MILK chocolate (represent!!) frosting, bacon bits mixed in both, topped with a good pork chew. It is heaven.

I'll buy you one when you get to Pearl Street. HEY! Pearl Street. I just got that. http://www.boulderdowntown.com/visit/history-of-pearl-street

Cloudia said...

takes me back to MY cleaning days!

I can small the damp mop in the back of the car...



Warm Aloha from Waikiki


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ellen abbott said...

the mighty triumvirate.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Sweet. Salty. Fatty.

Baby.

Oh, baby.

24 Corners said...

Been on my list of things to try for a long time...I think a 'chocolate bacon donut' will be the first..they have em here you know! Perfect thing to eat right before summer bikini weather (ha)!
xo J~

the walking man said...

There is a place in NYC will batter dip that bacon maple donut and deep fry it for her if she wants. I understand they will deep fry anything you bring in except a partner or spouse.

hoodyhoo said...

dear gawd, gimmee one! Dozen. No, hundred.

Brian Miller said...

great minds think alike eh? bacon donuts...that is like double sin-tastic...

Nancy said...

Hee! I'm imagining your friend sidling up to you every few minutes and muttering "bacon donut." Definitely a great start to my Friday. :)

jules said...

I love that you clean houses for fun with your friend. Really that is as genious as the bacon donut.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

We have a fantasy here about going to Voodoo Donuts for the bacon donuts.

June said...

I understand that some ice cream chain now offers a bacon sundae.
Why are Americans fat?

Colie said...

Everything is better with bacon! I think you've inspired me to take up house cleaning as a second job...less risk of getting arrested for peeking in people's windows to check out their stuff!!!!