I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Lady at the Bus Stop has her Demands

Should we run into each other today – and stranger things have happened! – you may notice that the tip of the thumbnail on my right hand is black.

Or, you may just notice my sparkling eyes. I have that effect on people.

Then again, odds are just as good that you’ll notice the blackened end of my right thumb, because once again, in an effort to clean up Our Fair City, I’ve soiled myself.

Or something to that effect.

You see, I hate graffiti. Do what you like with your own stuff, but leave my bus stop alone.

That’s right. I said “my bus stop”. It’s mine. Mine! Through eight years of steady patronage, including my fight to actually have the structure put into place and including the daily litter-picking-up service that I provide throughout my neighborhood, it’s mine.

Frankly, the whole neighborhood is mine. Just ask me.

And I’m tired of it being defaced.

So here’s what I want to see happen:

Just because someone’s written/scribbled on something doesn’t mean you have to leave it there. Cover it. Right away. If it’s city property, call 311.

That mail box hanging off the post by a nail. Maybe you re-affix it, put a fresh coat of paint on it? Even that large-mouth bass mailbox you’ve been secretly coveting would be an improvement.

I want people to sweep the sidewalks in front of their houses – not just some of us! All of us. I have a neighbor that takes a knife to the edges of his yard, runs it along where the grass meets the concrete. Talk about nice-looking! Wheee-doggie. I’m not suggesting we all do that, but really, if you do? There should be some sort of tax break, don’t you think?

And window cleaning. What’s happened to window cleaning? I know it’s a drag, but dagnabit people, I want to see my face in your window!

Which reminds me: what I do not want to see in your window is your butt. While I appreciate that you work out – and frankly, it shows! – I don’t want to know that you cook in the nude. You keep that up, you’re gonna burn something that shouldn’t get burned. If you’re not going to have respect for the people walking by, won’t you at least think of the Emergency Room personnel?

I have a list of other demands, but I think you get the picture. Every day, the snow pushes back just a little further; and under that pretty white snow are the cigarette butts, bus transfers, candy wrappers, and, perhaps, even lost gloves of this last season.

Spring is coming. Let’s greet it.

And put some dang pants on.

26 comments:

Mamma has spoken said...

Ah the wonders of living in a big city. Though I'm still not sure how your thumb got black. My warped mind thinks it might have something to do with the butt in the window ;o)

Kate Mohler said...

Hey, this is funny! I've forgotten what the melting snow reveals (since I've been in AZ for 20 years). Thanks for the morning laugh. :-)

Camille said...

Ah Pearlie - forever scraping away graffiti with your dainty right thumbnail - you're special that way. How I wish the winter snow was pushing back over here in NH (she laments as the snow squall swirls outside her very dirty windows) Wishing you a groovy kind of weekend.

Leenie said...

You keep up that crusade, Pearl. You can make a difference even if your corner of the world is just that bus stop and that two story house.

Nothing worse than a pain in the butt, unless it is a butt in a pane.

Has Righty surfaced during more of the glacial melt in your fair city? Or will Stinky have to look for another mate?

furiousBall said...

your eyes do sparkle like MFers

Belle said...

I like that you make an effort to clean your area! Good going! Next time I spray paint my name and number at the bus stop I will think of you.

laughingmom said...

Perhaps whith the thaw you can get a red carpet covered sidewalk along with velvet ropes to keep the undesireables out of your bus stop!You go girl - set us all straight!

bruce said...

such insight and wit. why are you not writing a syndicated column?

loved this.

jabblog said...

Set your standards high and some might follow suit - but don't hold your breath!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I was right there with you until you mentioned sparkling clean windows. I admit it: mine are not. But it's just to protect you from seeing anyone here cooking in the nude. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Jimmy said...

I have an elderly neighbour who stands at the coach park at Glencoe and hands out small sacks of collected refuse back to visiting tourists as they get on the buses. His usual parting line is "We doon wan it neither y'ken?"

I'm sure you won't need a translator on this occasion.

jenny_o said...

I love that you do these things. The world needs more people like you! (way more, apparently)?

Leenie, your comment about the butt in the pane is awesome.

And Jimmy - what do the tourists say when your neighbour hands them the stuff?

Great column, great comments!

jenny_o said...

oops, no question mark needed at the end of that first paragraph

Eva Gallant said...

You are a saint! I hope your busmates and neighbors appreciate you!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hallelujah to that! Pants = peace. There you go. Also, spring can not come fast enough. I'm fed up getting up every morning to brilliant sunshine, blue skies and....minus effing twenty. Deception, mother nature, deception!

Andrew Green said...

But what about Banksy?

Val Thevictorian said...

In the country, they bring the litter to your doorstep. Refrigerator, stove, mattress, portable meth lab, truckload of tree trimmings--we've had them all dumped on our road. We either have to dispose of it ourselves, or wait until the county truck has time to come get it. The sheriff came for the meth lab, though. And promptly.

Oilfield Trash said...

Do they wash the windows in the winter time up there?

Kal said...

This is why I love you. YOU GET IT. You understand that we are living in a civilization. If people can't get with the program there are benches at the zoo that you can make your home. Eventually they will enclose you and you will become a smelly exhibit. Just keep my street beautiful. There was a story from a nearby town about how police figured out that a house on a quiet street was a crack house...it was the nicest one there. It's wasn't because there were people coming in and out at all hours but because their yard was so nice that the neighbors felt something was going on and they called the cops. Now I would be more than happy to move those kids to our street. Five houses down from us that hillbilly still won't move his truck out of his back lawn. I would burn him out but I don't think that would improve things one bit.

Tempo said...

Clean Up Australia Day here today Pearl, so your post today is of particular interest to us here. I guess having your world buried by pristine ice and snow helps to bring things into sharp focus as the snow retreats. But here it's kinda the same year round so we dont notice the butts, bottle tops etc that blow about until the first rains of winter flush them down the drain...until they wash up on the beach next spring..

The Writing Instinct said...

I 'cleaned up Australia" today as well (waving to fellow Aussie!)...but I also had to clean up our medical practice that had somehow attracted some vandals texter marker causing him to scribble his mess all over it. I understand your pain.

Dr. Cynicism said...

The problem with your proposal is that it would require people to care. People don't seem to do that anymore these days. Sad days.

John McElveen said...

AMEN!!! We are fighting a battle to fund Mass Transit in Columbia. I live in another County--but am willing to pay for hard working people....ummmmm

oh yeah-- TO BE ABLE TO GET TO & FROM WORK!!!!!!

And Keep it clean!

WTG Pearl! You Little.......

Hugs,

John

Jhon Baker said...

I would cook in the nude - though I don't, only because I don't cook - also, I would wear a large apron and probably some underwear, also pants as I don't like my legs to get cold. Oh, oh, and a shirt - I hate burns on my upper arms - and I have to wear shoes as I can't even stand balanced without them, also socks - because I don't like shoes without socks - never have, so yeah, I would totally cook in the nude.

gayle said...

You are right we should all do our part!!

Window Cleaning Orange County said...

I agree dat today women are no less dan men in anytihng be it a gud or a bad.