I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, March 4, 2011

I Coulda Been A Contender

Another workweek comes to a close, as it seems to do every five days or so; and it is with curiosity that we again turn to my iPod, because absolutely everyone knows that my iPod’s shuffled playlist, played during my morning commute, has the power to foretell the weekend.

What? You didn’t know that?

Migra by Santana
Charmer by Kings of Leon
Love Dog by TV on the Radio
Airstream Driver by Gomez
Super Stupid by Funkadelic
Tighten Up by The Black Keys

Looking rather political isn’t it? Might want to get my hair cut, kiss a few babies. You never know when you’ll be called upon to serve.

Except, of course, when it’s time for a conference call. Because we here at Acme Napkins and Grommets believe in keeping in touch, whether you like it or not.

Got something to say? NOT got something to say? It’s all the same to us, because here at Acme Napkins and Grommets, it’s not about getting things done so much as it is cultivating the appearance of getting things done.

Except for you, of course. Or me. You and I, we have things to do.

You know where your big mistake was, don’t you?

Yep. It was the day you did your work and asked for more. It was in the way you said, “I don’t know, but let me find out”. It was when you consistently met your goals and did so while maintaining that gleam in your eye and that smile on your lips. Yes, as drunk as you appeared to be, you with your shiny eyes and your attention to the smallest detail, your performance was top rate, causing you to be handed larger and more complex projects.

You’d think you’d have learned by now, wouldn’t you?

That’s the problem right there. You continue to work at a respectable speed, continue to be held responsible for outcomes, continue to put your best foot forward while stifling the urge to test the tensile strength of the 48th floor windows with your ergonomic chair.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Why do you make us punish you?

Facilities, of course, is against the hurling of office furniture. Trust me on this one. And frankly, who wants to be the “scary” one at work?

Well, actually, you might. You’ll have to trust me on this one as well. There’s nothing like a well flung in/out basket to get someone’s attention. Like the subtle pounding of a forehead on a paper-strewn surface – which no doubt prefaced the flinging of the in/out basket – it says “I’m quite stressed out, yet I remain relatively harmless. Please get me a margarita.”

Well, that’s what I think it says, anyway.

And I always reflect upon this at my next job.

Bruised forehead and scattered in/out box aside, the weekend is here; and just in time. There are floors to scrub, glasses to rim with salt, friends with strange theories to keep one entertained.

My work does not define me: This is my mantra for the weekend.

Happy Friday, everyone.


Oilfield Trash said...

I agree, work should never define us.

laughingmom said...

May your Margarita glass never get empty this weekend!

Joshua said...

What does this playlist say about me, Pearl?

"I Will" - Jonathan Coulton
"Craig" - Stephen Lynch
"Ode to a Superhero" - Weird Al Yankovic
"I'm A Mason Now" - Jonathan Coulton
"I'm on a Boat" - The Lonely Island


Sweet Cheeks said...

Sometimes your iPod scares me. Super Stupid tells me not to make any important decisions until Monday. I obey the iPod....

Pearl said...

Joshua, your iPod is even more eclectic than mine. What I suggest the list is saying is that you concetrate on whether or not you are enjoy doing what you're doing, re-think your desire to buy an accordion, and have the makings of a margarita on-hand, just in case. (Or, if you're a non-drinkin' fella, consider making a nice cherry pie. In lieu of margaritas, I find that a cherry pie is always lovely.)

Joshua said...

Margaritas! Cherry Pie! Okay, I give...you can have this recipe:

1 1/2 ounces silver tequila
1/2 ounce white crème de cacao
1 1/2 ounces brandy
1/2 ounce cream
6 cherries

Lightly stir all ingredients, minus ice, together. Pour over ice. Drink. Repeat. Again. Again.

Bossy Betty said...

I would like to go out to lunch with you, please. Let's see--You are in MN and I am in CA. Want to plan on meeting in Wyoming? I hear there are some cowboys there who will buy us drinks.

Sausage Fingers said...

Damn it you have me slavering about margaritas and it's only 11:30. Oh well time to salt that preverbial rim.
Have a bloody good weekend.

Leenie said...

So THAT'S where that bruise on my forehead came from!

Pearl said...

Betty, I was once held captive at a bar in Denver by a cowboy. :-)

Pat Tillett said...

The second mistake is when we let our employer give us laptops and cell phones and pdas and pagers...I't all a conspiracy to keep us cleaning and drinking those margaritas when we are home...

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

Thank the good Lord my work doesn't define me...otherwise I'd cry :)

jenny_o said...

Fridays seem to come faster and faster lately. As do Mondays. And month ends. And new years. Have a great weekend :)

Flea said...

My children do not define me
My children do not define me
My children do not define me


Simply Suthern said...

Sadly I let my work define me. Its my most attractive feature. Like the dog that was bred to herd sheep I was born to work. Lets git'r done.

SeaD said...

Happy Friday Pearl! I would love to share a pitcher(or 3)of margaritas with you. Then you could tell me the story of being held captive in Denver!

Cloudia said...

You are indefinable, Pearl!

Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral



IndigoWrath said...


And your talents don't define what you DO.
They define what you ARE.

Gigi said...

Lately, if my work defined me, I'd be nothing but a bump on a log.

Pour me a margarita, please. I could certainly use one right about now.

Sue said...

I'm so glad I have your ipod to signal the coming weekend...

Karen said...

We have one song that starts our weekend: All The Time In The World - The Subdudes. Great way to end a Friday!

Crazy Sister said...

If I stop listening to Beethoven's 'Storm' piano sonata in the car, maybe this crazy rainy flood season here will ease up...

lisleman said...

Hey salt one for me.
My daughter told me about the Black Keys not long ago. I have downloaded any of their songs but have listened to a few. good stuff

Lazarus said...

Pearl, many things about you and your writing amaze me, but probably nothing moreso than your iPod playlist. You should have your own show on XM/Sirius (whatever they call it these days...)radio. Very cool tunes!

Eva Gallant said...

I'd love to be topping off your margarita and listening to you rant about Acme Grommits and Napkins!

my name is Ian said...

work is a four letter word.

On My Soapbox said...

My work definitely does not define me, as I don't have any. Yet. Oh, and I am that sucker who *always* says, "I don't know, but let me find out". *sigh* I will never learn.

Symdaddy said...

Cool stuff as always Pearlchen!

(Been busy. Did ya miss me?)

ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

Hey Pearl,

I noticed that I was on your blogroll. Thanks! :)

However, I did something really dumb last night--I changed my URL. Big mistake. Just wanted to let you know that the link you have on your blogroll is probably now inactive. However, if you want to add my new link: ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com, you're more than welcome to.