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Friday, February 4, 2011

Vandalism!, or Free Tibet (with the Purchase of a Large Coffee)

Deep from the frozen bowels of a dyspeptic winter, a lone commuter staggers toward the bus stop. From between a woolen scarf and a hat pulled down as low as possible, a reddish nose peeks out. If you listen closely, you can hear said commuter muttering something about perseverance and determination.

And that commuter, ladies and gentlemen, was none other than Justin Bieber*.

The week has been a bust, frankly. But what about the weekend? Will that be a bust as well? If only there was some way of knowing!

But there is.

In light of my belief that my shuffled playlist, heard on my commute into the city on a Friday morning, holds some mystical implications for the weekend, I bring to you, absolutely mostly-live and, I might add, fully paid for, the mighty oracle that is the iPod:

Jump in the Pool by Friendly Fires
High Clouds and a Chance of Wayne by Wayne Bergeron
Totally Nude by The Wallets
Ain’t No Friend of Mine by Mason Jennings
Everybody’s Got Something to Hide (‘cept for Me and my Monkey) by The Beatles
Step It Up by The Bamboos
I Want Some More by Dan Auerbach

And there you have it. And now that you have it, I’m thinking a stiff round of antibiotics oughta take care of it…

What’s that? You don’t have any antibiotics? Shoot – I can front you a pill or bit of ointment. Honestly, between the pink eye and the ear infection, I think can come up with something.

Pink eye. Pfft. What adult gets that? What next? Thrush? Cradle Cap?

Speaking of Cradle Cap, I gave myself a case of Vandal-Fighters Thumb this morning.

My stance on vandalism is well known in these parts: I’m against it. And there, in my three-sided, glass bus enclosure, a moron and a green felt tip pen collided in a semi-literate display of self-satisfaction.

First there was a phone number listed below the phrase “For Free Heab”. Heab? Free heab? Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re out this weekend and someone suggests the possibility of free heab, I suggest you proceed with caution.

Free heab may lead to free biseases.

I’ve rubbed it out, of course; and I have the green thumb to prove it.

I also rubbed out Taylor loves – well, we’ll never know who Taylor loves, now. Both Taylor and the object of her affection have been rubbed off the bus shelter, the memory of which lies only with Taylor and my stained thumb. The script was hard to read, anyway, a convoluted series of squiggles and dots. Judging by the penmanship, however, Taylor is young and will no doubt proclaim her love for future beaux in similarly public ways.

And I will be here, sacrificing my thumb nail and skin color to do it.


* I don't know what that means other than maybe being sick of his haircut...

35 comments:

Dave King said...

Not all of those are known to me - but I'm learning and I've made a note or two.

Grant said...

Totally nude is a good sign.

Gary Baker said...

Like the genius punk rocker who tattooed KCUF into his forehead using the mirror.

Speaking of mirror writing: is it possible to write a sentence using only palindromes? Wow, Bob ... err ...
forget it.

Christine Gram said...

I guess that's the only kind of green thumb you'll be getting these days...

rock on

Su said...

Way to sacrifice your thumb for the good of your community. They should totally recognize you at some "community leaders" banquet.

And I'm not planning to be totally nude at any time this weekend (except while showering, of course) unless it gets warmer.

Symdaddy said...

You haven't seen the one advertising your blog then?

Written in red, but maybe it was far too high for you to reach!

Jhon Baker said...

I avoid free heab - and pink eye? well, last year I got hit with a double case - both freaking eyes - let it go for so long they thought my eye sight would be damaged - not so. I mended but hated the eye drops.

Douglas said...

It is good to know that you are feeling better. I mean you wouldn't be on that bus unless you were feeling better, right? Though I always thought it was much wiser to stay home when you felt well and go to work when you were already miserable.

Did it ever cross your mind that "Taylor" might have been male?

Flea said...

Pearl, chamomile tea bags on the eyelids for pink eye. Steep, let cool, place on eyelids ten minutes. Wonderfully soothing, reduces the swelling considerably, heal faster.

Eva Gallant said...

Pink eye...no fun! The free heab might have helped, though; you never know!

Will Burke said...

Whooo Beatles! Who the hell were those others? Now I feel old.

Simply Suthern said...

College Girl Came home from SChool for the weekend. With the flu, possible pink eye and another affliction I will not lay on you here. Between the coughing and sneezing and Lysol it is a war zone.

Glad you feel good enuff to go to work. To bad you went tho.

Save that green thumb for spring.

becca said...

pink eye is so not fun

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I've been getting ear infections lately--so I hear you--what adult gets EAR infections? I didn't even get them as a KID!

Jerry said...

I got Pink Eye about a year ago. What it means is that you and I are younger than we think we are.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Pearly Girly

You got a good case of the 'stink eye' do you? Well...that sucks. If you feel like sharing it - rub your eye and touch a doorknob. That's how you probably got it. Pay it forward-right?
Just kidding...
Loves Ya~
=]

Sausage Fingers said...

Did the toddy recipe work?

Cheeseboy said...

I wonder if Taylor was the boy or a girl? It would be easier to tell if you didn't wipe off the other name. Or maybe it was a gay couple? We'll never know now, thanks to you.

Love the Friendly Fires.

Roses said...

I could have done without the links to thrush and cadle cap. Thanks. I'm itching my heab as we speak.

Mandy's Kidding said...

Haha. You said "rubbed it out."

Stacy Q said...

I had what I am calling "a cold which migrated to my eyes." I refused to call it pink eye.
Though my eye was pink...

I'm taking a stand here, it was not pink eye (gross!)

Andrew Green said...

Never heard of most of the playlist....
Although The Wallets sound intiriguing.

Kristy said...

Thank you for the kind comment at my site! You're something else. Which is a compliment in my book. Will follow.

Gigi said...

Ah, the dreaded pink eye. Nasty, nasty stuff. My son got it one year and then he and Hubby proceeded to trade it back and forth for a couple of months. Fun stuff.

John McElveen said...

A Totally Nude Bieber....ummm, I'll pass. But Another great post!!!!

J

Pearl said...

Hi, everyone. Sorry I haven't been around much. A number of recent medical problems have really gotten me down lately. Am I even being funny anymore?

Oh, and if you have any ideas that you'd like to see me write on, fire away. I'm just a couple short of a thousand straight posts and am feeling depleted!

Anne Fannie said...

I love your sense of humor!
I had to giggle about the pink eye, I have never gotten pink eye until I had grandkids!
Ann

Sioux Roslawski said...

AND that haircut costs $750 a pop, twice monthly!

Irish Gumbo said...

Rock on, Pearl! Me likey the music.

And here's hoping you don't come down with Dropsy or Chilblains or a case of the Yammering Fantods...

Susan in the Boonies said...

Well, you had me at "Deep from the frozen bowels of a dyspeptic winter". Gosh, that was delish!!! Well, not that I eat frozen bowels, or enjoy dyspepsia, but dang! That there's prime stuff!!!

But then: free heab. Free heab??? I am an innocent. I couldn't figure out what it could be!!! "Free heab brings biseases." Bwahahahahahahahahahaha.

I literally snorted. Which I hardly EVER do.

Thanks, Pearly Girl! You do my heart good!

NotaSupermom said...

This is why I live in the South. Oh,we still have vandalism, but at least the weather's good!

Very funny, Pearl.

On My Soapbox said...

"Free heab", eh? When you see things like that, it's a sign that the world is going in a handbasket even sooner than we thought it would.

Sarah Has Moxie said...

Dear Pearl, I hope you are feeling better soon, and if I was on the same continent as you I would make you soup or get you more of the dreaded eye drops for pink eye.

As for post ideas...I could use suggestions on where to hide out in the office building to get a little quiet time. And perhaps comment on the lack of civility shown in the office coffee room. Philistines.

lots of love--
Sarah

the walking man said...

I got it but I find Vicodin and Valium are much better cures for the disease.

John McElveen said...

pEARL,

pRAYING FOR YOUR HEALTH, AND AS FOR THE fUNNY! jUST RE-READ YOUR LAST POST! i'M STILL LAUGHING! aND LAUGHTER is THE BEST MEDICINE....EXCEPT FOR twm'S PRESCRIPTIONS!

fEEL BETTER SOON!

jOHN

Dang- Caps lock affliction!! It's spreading......